Tips for transitioning off online routines

DaughterAndMom

Hello,

My Dad is in the middle stage of Alzhemer's. He used to go online to pay bills and review financials but now he has problems understanding what's happening and doesn't remember many details. 

I have tried to take over doing all of the online tasks that he used to do but he forgets and wants to do it himself. He also gets confused when I explain that I will do everything from now on. I understand he also feels like he doesn't want to lose the habit and autonomy.

Any tips on how I can make the situation better?

Thanks.
Connie

harshedbuzz

Connie-

There comes a time when you need to take over. It sound like you are there. Many PWD don't realize how impaired they have become, want to maintain their independence and many are suspicious of those looking to help them.

Sometimes it's best not to ask permission, but to just move ahead without discussion. It might make sense to disappear the laptop as it may be a trigger for anxiety around bill paying and loss of autonomy.

HB

Emily 123

Hi Connie,

I agree with harshedbuzz.  It's so hard to tell with dementia, isn't it?  What triggers the bill paying?  I ask, because if it's either mail or inbox bills arriving, do you think that diverting those to a new address would help?  No trigger = no trying to pay bills?

I set up filters on my mom's email so all the bills go to a fake folder that I clean up intermittently (though I think you can set them to auto-forward).  I changed all the her recovery info to my email and had all the paper bills changed to autopay or at least come to my address.  Once she didn't have all those notifications coming into her inbox she stopped worrying about paying the bills.  She had also set up her POA a while ago and we've told her that we're handling it according to her master plan   Hope this helps-it really depends if your dad is still pretty tethered to date & time...best wishes...

DaughterAndMom

Thanks HB and Emily123. My dad is still pretty aware and I think he would still look for the computer or will get confused if it's missing. 

I will try to reroute his emails to me and setup filters so it eliminates some triggers. 

I have also tried to write out his monthly routine "to-dos" and wrote in caps with my name on it to indicate that I am responsible for it. I have stuck that paper next to his computer so we'll see. I'm not optimistic because he seemed confused when I explained this to him. If it causes more headaches I may rip off the bandaid and remove the desktop altogether. 

Assuming you both have tried the "cold turkey" way, did you come across some resistance? How did you handle it? Did it eventually subside?

Thanks again.

Connie

Emily 123

Hi,

Yes, for my mom it eventually subsided, but it took about 6 months for it to sink in that we were taking care of it.  Your notes can't hurt, might help. I had a notebook for my mom to refer to, but as you know, they have to remember to look at the notes first. 

 You are correct in linking this to a sense of control.   Mom's obsession was having to do her taxes, and we just had to tell her every time for months that they were done. What partly helped was moving her in with me while we waited out covid for AL placement.  The move let me get all her paperwork out of the way and I think a new environment both reduced those cues and also took up a lot of her bandwidth.  She knows her memory is going, but perhaps not the extent of it. 

She had forgotten all her passwords and locked herself out of her computer. I was able to reset the access to that, then reset access to all her accounts, using my contact info. She can still read emails and short articles, and make inferences from what she's read, but I don't think she can compose an email, and she's not shopping online or anything, so with financial reminders out of the way I think we're in a little easier spot than you are with your dad. I just tell her she doesn't need to worry about. She did intercept the mailman from time to time, but if I let her take her bills to her room and then whisked them away it was all good. 

Mom had desktop computer, and even though I tried to remove any extra apps, reminders, etc to keep it simple, it pushed upgrade reminders.  She decided to press the upgrade button, and the upgrade 'bricked' her computer. So that serendipitously took the computer out of commission, and... ''out of sight, out of mind'' (after about 3 weeks). I will say that she had really started to struggle with how every program is now identified by an icon, so it's just as well.  She has an iPad we had bought her a while back, so she can browse, read emails, etc.   She's always loved to play online solitaire on it, and she plays for hours, (the neuropsych says that it's fine). I just have basic apps like youtube, the weather, some games, and I set up her (non-triggering) bookmarks.  Maybe...his computer 'breaks' and move him to something like a tablet or the "Grandpad' if you think he could make the transition?  Good luck!

loveskitties

A couple of thoughts...would he go for "dad, you and I can do those things together"...

if not perhaps just disabling internet access rather than having the computer disappear...then you can tell a fiblet that it is broken and can't access the internet any more.

Perhaps you can get him to use the computer for some games...like solitaire...cheap cd's for those types of games.