New to board(3)

loveskitties

Glad to find a group that is dealing with the life of caregivers of those with dementia.

My situation is a bit different from most I have seen posted.  My parents are both in their 90's...doing the math I am in my 70's but fortunately have 2 children of my own who are helping as they can.

My parents still live in their own home, without full time help, and can manage the easier daily chores...grocery shopping, cooking, personal care, etc.

The situation is that my dad has dementia, which of course, worsens daily.  My mother is his only full time caregiver, because that is what she wants.  She also takes care of finances, but fortunately has recently allowed my adult son to have a durable power of attorney for finances.

My mother insists that she won't consider placing my father in memory care or other facility as he would not agree to go.  The family sees the impact it is having on her overall well being and is at a loss as to what to do.  My mother sees his care as her responsibility and won't even get part time help in.  

I take them to doctor's appointments, but due to covid restrictions have been unable to attend their meetings with doctor.  I am their medical poa but mother has made it very clear that I can only use it if she is unable to make decisions for her or dad.

Any suggestions, advise or like experiences you can share would be appreciated.

JJAz

Welcome.  For patents in their 90's, watch their situation closely and be ready with options when needed.  If Mom is cognitively and medically capable now, all you can do now is be ready.  But, the situation WILL change at some point, probably soon, and when it does, it's likely to be of a rapid nature.

Emily 123

Hello,

Depending on where he is with his disease, could he go to an adult daycare to give your mom a break? Could be presented as a chance to socialize? It would give her a chance to occasionally catch her breath.  Some local senior services might be able to send a volunteer over to take him out for a walk…

loveskitties

Since I have not had the opportunity to talk directly to his neuro doc, I don't know for sure what stage, but guess about 6.

My dad is not social and would not be content to be dropped off with strangers even for a little while.  He gets very anxious when my mother is not around, even when he knows where she is.  My mother feels that he would not do well in such a setting.

If we had started that process much earlier things might be different.

Of course the covid isolation of the last year has not helped either of them.  For many months they did not leave their home.  

loveskitties

Thank you for your reply.

Things change on a daily basis.  One day may be just horrible for him and the next as ok as it can be given this disease.

I know you are right that things can change very quickly....for either or both of them.

My daughter and I discuss the issues almost daily and try to anticipate what can/should be done.

It doesn't help matters that we are 1 1/2 hrs away.  If we could only get them to a residence closer we could be more involved.  Visiting once a week, is just not enough.

Emily 123

I’m sorry. You must be very frustrated. It really sounds like your mom’s dug her heels in, making it hard for you to do much. The only other thing I can think of would be for her to authorize you to receive healthcare information from the physician, so that you could be in the loop.

star26

If you're not already doing this, you might want to start a check-in system with your Mom, such as a quick call at a specified time every morning or possibly every morning and evening. If she were to fall or become ill and be unable to get help, your Dad may not know what to do. For a while my Dad had a system with his neighbor whereby he'd raise one particular shade every morning and if she ever saw it wasn't raised she would call and then let herself into the house to check on him. I still worried being out of state but this was a little something we could do in a situation I didn't have too much control over.

loveskitties

Thank you for your reply.

Now that covid restrictions have been lowered, I am going to try to be allowed by the neuro doc's office to be present at the appointments.  The next one isn't until July.

I have also considered writing a letter to that doc, expressing my view of the situation for both parents.  The only thing which gives me pause about that is I know my mother would be very upset with me to "go around her" or thinking she is not handling things well.

Don't get me wrong, she has done a super job of picking up responsibilities of what my dad used to do, but on some things she just feels like it is her job, not anyone elses.  I even have to be careful about making any suggestions, least she think me too involved.  However, she is mid-90's and mentally declining herself just due to age.

A rock and a hard place is where I feel I am most of the time, and I just know until there is a crisis that is where I will stay.

loveskitties

Thank you Star26 for your suggestions.  Between my daughter and I we do try to stay in touch but not at a regularly scheduled time.  We just discussed that perhaps mom should have a life alert device just in case she might fall or have other issue.  

While both of our phone numbers are written down for dad, I am not sure that now he would even know what they are or for.

Am sad to say that I don't believe he now recognizes any family relationships...he knows us as familiar friendly faces, but does not know what wife, daughter, granddaughter, etc. mean in connection with those faces.

One of the things he does enjoy is a wifi digital frame which daughter and family gave them for Christmas.  Daughter and granddaughter update it with lots of pics of family.  He has a few favs but doesn't have names to go with them.  When he mentions them as they play when I am there, I try to put them in context, but don't believe that means anything to him.

This is all so sad to watch and be unable to bring any meaningful help to make things better.

Trying to come to grips with the fact that there is "no better".