Caring for aged parents

dieutm

I’ll listen to discussions on “caring for your parents”. 

Mom 91, lives with my wife and I. She has a mixed VD with ALZ. Confirmed diagnosis about two years ago after a fall.  but looking in past it’s believed to have been going on for many years. 

We have home health aides 2x/wk for her. Recent health issues have forced my wife and I to be more “hands on”. My wife cleanses mom’s open infections and bathes her, etc.

As her POA, I’ve always accompanied her to appointments for more than 10 years. 

The recent events have been difficult emotionally for me particularly. These new events mom does not comprehend and I’m grieved by her state of  decline to more that of a young child, not being able to articulate the real problem or need. It’s painful for me. I’m just writting to her the experiences of others in our situation  

Her assets prevent admission to a nursing home while her lack of income prevent an assistant living facility. 

When I moved her in with us 16 years ago, I built a mother-in-law suite for her so there is autonomy as well as privacy. Would Probably be charged around $4k/mo at a facility. It’s a real nice apt. 

Anyone there??

abc123

Hello! You and your wife definitely have your hands full. Taking care of a parent with dementia full time is a huge responsibility that I am not looking forward to. I help take care of my mother with extended visits to her home and mine. It gives my dad a break. I certainly have a great deal of respect for full time caregivers like you and your wife. I also find my moms decline to be emotionally hard. She is now exactly like a young child.  I haven’t been able to sleep in the past week because of recent situations with both of them. I am torn between having my life or moving to another state to live with them. I truly feel your pain and I am sorry for you and your wife. She must be an incredible lady. 

I wish you well.

abc123

Have you seen a CELA? They can help advise on many issues including her financial situation to help with placement. Good luck to you.

harshedbuzz

Another suggestion to see a CELA in your state to explore strategies to qualify her for Medicaid. 

If she has assets, you would spend them down at the Medicaid facility you choose which should qualify her for a Medicaid bed when she's spent them. This strategy makes her a more attractive resident to facilities and will give you more options to find a place you feel is a good fit. 

If you are looking at skilled nursing, the cost is likely more than $4K/month. Dad's MCF was just over $7000/month and my aunt's SNF was about $12,000- in 2018 when they died. It's likely higher now. 

HB

dieutm

My ignorance, a CELA?  

Mom has a dementia/Alzheimer's doctor specialist. We saw the doc yesterday  

We have a medical group comes once per week: OT, PT, social worker, nurse, etc as well as the home health. 

2x/mo is from state council on aging (a medicare assistance)

dieutm

The assets are not mine to handle. They are in annuities and are designated in her will. 

My sibs are out of state. The oldest sib is the financial POA. 

I’ve looked into daycares, which are about what you describe, $3k/mo. 

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

harshedbuzz

dieutm wrote:

My ignorance, a CELA?  

Mom has a dementia/Alzheimer's doctor specialist. We saw the doc yesterday  

We have a medical group comes once per week: OT, PT, social worker, nurse, etc as well as the home health. 

2x/mo is from state council on aging (a medicare assistance)

Certified Elder Law Attorney.

You can find one here- National Elder Law Foundation (nelf.org)

It's possible annuities could be put into a Trust.

HB