I think I’m loosing it!

LorettaP

DH seems to be doing better, mild cognitive impairment, memory issues are getting worse, however, meds seem to be helping. He is less attentive towards me, contributes little to our conversations, and falls asleep very very early. I miss having a stimulating conversation. Otherwise, he’s doing fairly well overall. It’s me! I need a break and I don’t know why. When he first got sick (5months ago) it was a roller coaster, hallucinations, delusions, etc., but now that’s gone. His family lives a few hours away, and I desperately want them to take him home with them for a night or two so I can just relax at home! I tried asking, but it didn’t have positive results. Having company for a night or two does not bring me relief. Help! Any suggestions?

steved64

Would it be possible for them to come stay with him and you leave for a break?  Make it short to start  That would provide continuity for him which is important.  It may also educate them how much work it really is when you are absent vs. them "just visiting to be company".  Their visits need to be as active helpers.  If family won't assist then you may have to seek hired help, maybe starting with day visits to memory care that might evolve into occasional overnight visits.  Whatever you do, don't forget to take care of you.  Respite is part of that.

I haven't needed any of that yet but probably will some day, and have been looking around to see what facilities there are for when the time comes that I no longer can do it all.

jane8851

Hi Loretta, I can relate. My husband has mid moderate Alzheimer's and my family and his have all backed away from us. He also has had hallucinations and delusions. It's hard and I just want to run away sometimes. But I've found venting on this forum helps. No judgment as we all know what it's really like for the caregivers. I've had to let go of the idea that family will help us and instead relied on a few friends for help. Keep posting, we're here for you.

Ed1937

Loretta, you know when you need a break. If there are no friends around who will help, and family is reluctant, maybe you should look into a respite stay in a facility. You might even want to let his family know that you're looking into that. Maybe they will realize they need to help a little more. I hope you find something that works for you.

French

Hi Loretta,

We perfectly understand you.

In my case, The family helps a little, one brother takes him 8 days once or  twice a year and a friend also does it once a year. As a result I had 3 to 4 weeks breaks per year. It was ok the 2 fist years, but this year, after just 2 months I am again overtired. And with the lockdown we had, his friend couldn’t invite him. So we tried a respite stay in a memory care.

It wasn’t a very good experience for him. 

But as Ed said, it shows that we are not wonderwoman, we do our best but we need respite. And if no solution is found in the family, there will be no other solution than this kind of respite stay. Not sure it will change things... but never know. 

Moreover, it will become more and more complicated to have family members caring for him as they even don’t imagine what must be done (shower, help dressing, brushing teeth...). If they are not implied from the beginning, it will be difficult to have them implying themselves when it will become harder. So yes a plan B is necessary. 

For future, the brother and friend will provide this summer respite, but I already plan one for fall. And I know that it necessary because these helpers won’t be able to continue for long.

I totally agree with you, I told to the other family members that coming home to visit us doesn’t help (it even give me more work). My partner’s father was on a family tour and rent an house with my partner ´s sister one week to the seaside, at less than one hour from here. He asked me when he can come home 2 days after this stay to see his son. I answered I will drive my partner to the seaside with them so that they can see him. I didn’t let another choice. So It was accepted. 

It was only 24 hours, but I get what I wanted. There, My partner slept with his clothes, didn’t shower and change clothes. I think they even didn’t get it.

jfkoc

Queen Elizabeth's favorite mousse;

INGREDIENTS

6 ounces dark chocolate 10 fluid ounces Double Cream 5 egg yolks 5 egg whites 1 teaspoon instant coffee 2 tablespoons Drambuie 1 tablespoon boiling water

METHOD

Melt the chocolate, taking care not to overheat it, in a large bowl. Put the coffee in a small bowl and dissolve in the boiling water. Whisk the egg yolks into the chocolate and then add the dissolved coffee and the Drambuie and mix well. Whip the cream until stiff and peaks hold. Whip the egg whites until stiff and the peaks hold. Fold the cream with a metal spoon into the chocolate mixture followed by the whipped egg whites. Keep folding until there are no white specks of cream or egg white and then pour into a decorative serving dish. Put the mousse into the refrigerator for at least three hours to allow the chocolate to set. The top can now be decorated with rosettes of whipped cream and chocolate curls for table presentation. This mixture makes enough for about eight portions of dessert.

CStrope

jfkoc  thanks for the recipe!  I actually have Drambuie in the house!!!!

Kevcoy

OMG I just had an afternoon I'd rather not go through again.  We went to the grocery store for a couple of items and when we were leaving he saw the Xfinity store in the same shopping center and asked if we could go there to get our cable back.  Another story, but long and short of it is a year and half ago he signed up with Dish for "a great deal" and cut off the cable.  It seems he misses the remote you can talk in to change the channels and wants it back. 

It starts when we pull into the parking area by Xfinity and he says in a stunned voice that there are two cats in the truck and we have to get them out.  Of course there were no cats found after taking everything out of the back seat of the truck.  We go in and the customer service agent (CSA) who was helping was very nice but soon I could tell he wished someone else was helping us.  Some of the things said, 

CSA: What can I help you with?  DH: I want my remote back.  Me trying to explain what happened and why we don't have cable any more.  DH: I can talk, I'm not an idiot.  CSA has blank look on his face.  After about 20 minutes of going around with this we decided I am going to talk to Dish about getting off the contract.

CSA: Is there anything else I can help you with.  (bad idea).  DH: What are those phones?  Can you get us a deal.  As it turned out they could get us a deal and a free new iphone for me since mine is on it's last legs.  CSA: You each can get a new phone.  DH: No mine is fine.  Me: Good.  DH: How come you get a new phone?  I want a new phone.  CSA: Sure we can do that.  DH: That's too small I want a bigger phone.  CSA: The free phone is only on this phone.  DH: OK I'll keep mine.

The CSA then was going over the Simm card to transfer the data from the old phone to the new one and I can't remember my password and was getting more and more flustered.  DH: Are they working on my new phone?  Me: You said you wanted to keep yours.  DH: (Loudly) Fine, it's always about you and what you need, you never care anything for me and what I want. Then turns around and walks out the door.  I ask the CSA if he still wanted the phone could he get it?  CSA: Yes.  I go out and call him back in and start the do you want the phone? Yes but not the small one and we go through the whole thing again.  Then he throws up his arms and says, you two do what ever you need to do, don't worry about me I'll just walk home (in 95 degree weather wearing a black tee shirt) and walks out the door again.  CSA: Is everything alright?  Did I do something to upset him?  Me: No no you were fine, thank you for your help, even though I never figured out my password.  I found him about two blocks away and took him home.

I'm getting to the point I never want to take him out unless it's to the grocery store but then if one case of Bubly is good, six must be better.  So it's six just to avoid an argument.

Buggsroo

@kevcoy

I can really relate to your crazy afternoon at Dish.

I work from home remotely laying out newspapers. It’s a great job but involved and one has to think on their feet, responding to crises etc. That is usually when my husband becomes very difficult, fiddling with the heat/ac. He has poor circulation so is always putting up the heat, whereas I am boiling. Fights break out when I try to straddle my job, his continuous questions and argumentative behaviour. I blow my stack, he retreats, then rinse and repeat so to speak.

I am on blood pressure meds, possibly from the stress of dealing with him.

I prefer to go grocery shopping alone because if he comes, then there are questions, anger if he doesn’t get his way. I get flustered too, then I find I can hardly function at all. 

Welcome to the club where no one wants to be a member.

LorettaP

I so understand when you say you want to run away!

LorettaP

Ed1937 Thanks! That’s a great idea. I’ll look into a respite stay facility. And on a personal note, is that your German Shepherd? I have two! Best dogs ever!

Ed1937

LorettaP wrote: is that your German Shepherd? I have two! Best dogs ever!

Yes, that's ours. Gracie is 8 years old. We've had German Shepherds most of our married life (63 years), so you can probably guess we think they're great too.