Do I correct or allow it to be

tdnp

My mother is living with us now and has for the last 6 months after taking a fall.  She is not officially diagnosed with ALZ but there is no doubt that she has it.  Many signs and symptoms as well as "confirmation" from her GP.

This has been a learning experience and will continue to be.  Question that I keep mulling over:

If it is not going to hurt her of be dangerous do I offer correction?

For example: She will wear her coat out to the porch to smoke, its 95+ today.  I have asked her why and she just says that she is always cold.  

 

It seems like everything is an argument or at least could be.  I need help finding out how much I should offer correction.

 

Thanks in advance. 

M1

Hi tdnp.  I think you are on the right track--if it's not a safety issue, let it go.  Otherwise you'd be at it all the time.  I have that conversation with myself multiple times a day.  Multiple, multiple times a day.  I guess you can be glad she's at least going outside to smoke.

harshedbuzz

tdnp wrote:

My mother is living with us now and has for the last 6 months after taking a fall.  She is not officially diagnosed with ALZ but there is no doubt that she has it.  Many signs and symptoms as well as "confirmation" from her GP. 

Did her PCP rule out other conditions that can mimic dementia? This would typically involve bloodwork panels for hormone and vitamin deficiencies which are treatable. S/he probably did, but putting it out there just in case.

 she just says that she is always cold.   

Low levels of thyroid hormone and Thiamine can make a person cold. 

 

It seems like everything is an argument or at least could be.  I need help finding out how much I should offer correction. 

M1 is wise. In 95F weather I'd keep an eye that she doesn't overheat, but it isn't a hill upon which I would shed blood or goodwill. 

 

Thanks in advance. 

Stuck in the middle

If it doesn't hurt anything, why try to change it?  

I don't know how old she is, but she probably is colder than she used to be.  I am 74 and I wear more clothing than I did when I was young.

Tdrinker46

My DH is always cold even in 90 degree weather.  He wears long jeans, polo shirt, and a zip front sweater.  I watch that he isn’t outside too long.  He has always been colder than I am.  I would let her wear what makes her happy, she won’t understand any explanation.

Army SGT 1976

I just joined ALZ.  I find that my husband overdresses for the weather. When I ask him about the amount of clothing he is wearing, he gets attitudinal. And like you, I am only looking out for his welfare. A friend at the VA told me about a quote from the Vietnam War about hamburger hill. "I am not willing to die on this hill". Does it matter in the scheme of things? I also use the phrase "It the house on fire?" These phrases immediately puts issues in perspective. Reasoning is no longer an option, and I would love to know the best things to say. But, if the "house is not on fire", I have been practicing giving supportive comments for the way he does activities. This may not be helpful to you but it takes practice and it is not easy to get correct.

Stuck in the middle

Music helps me sometimes.  I don't have to hear it, I can just run it through my head.  One that I find calming:

Let it be, let it be

Let it be, let it be

Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

Cynbar

It does get easier, learning what you must address and what you can just let go. And one other tip --- make a resolve now not to care what other people think. No one understands how hard a caregiver's role is unless they have lived it. My DH will sometimes insist on unusual clothing combinations and we get some very strange looks when we go out. I'm generally congratulating myself on getting him out the door, but it did bother me. I'm past that now and I am a lot calmer.

jfkoc

Leave her alone unless it is something dangerous and then be careful with your approach.

The4thOne

I agree with what others said.  My mother was the same way, always cold.  You will learn to discern what is really worth correcting, what harm does it.  Don't get caught up on those things that don't hurt.  She is making her own decision for herself - let her.  If she says she is cold, go with it, and just maybe help her coordinate her clothes, help her put on her coat, compliment that this one is cuter or nicer.  If it was 85, and my Mom said she was cold, I would help her coordinate her sweater and thick leggings. We had to have a space heater in Mom's room even when it was 80 degrees. I would tease her about it, 'Ma, it is hotter than fish grease in here!' and she would laugh, so as not to make it a big deal.  Humor still works, don't let her condition rob you of that.  And yet, you still are taking a chance on what may set her off.  You will learn, you can set her off unbeknownst, and you will learn some of the cues.  Hear my heart and pardon my assumption, but don't let this be that hectic..

Lorielle

My sweet mother was diagnosed this past Friday. She was so sad ... and mad. Her mother, 2 aunts, cousin, and uncle all suffered from Alzheimer's. Mother lives with me but I work full time. The doc mentioned 24/7 security and/or supervision. No way that can happen financially yet. I don't know how I'll make that work. Great church and friends!

I have scoured the website and am soooo thankful for all the information. Two questions: 

1. How involved was your person in the early info? Did they WANT to know about the diagnosis? Did they want to LEARN about what's next or what's new?

2. What are newest security ideas? I heard someone has a bracelet? What's the best home security? 

Thanks. I hope to learn so much about this and try to treasure every moment ... although I know there will be plenty of frustration and fear. 

Rescue mom

Lorielle, welcome, glad you found this but sorry you have to be here.

One thing quick—you will get much more response to your questions if you create your own thread. Right now, yours is kind of  “hidden” in an older thread with a different topic. If you look at the top of the thread list, you’ll see a green box that says something like “start new topic” or “create new topic,” or “new question”, something like that. Just click on that, give a summary title, and write your question. It may take a few days, but great help here.

You will likely need help soon, good you have friends and family nearby. You might also check into adult day care programs, which are lifesavers for many here.

Your local Alzheimer’s Association is usually a great resource to help you find needed services, such as day care, elder care attorneys, agencies with trained aides, facilities, etc. They will not recommend one over others, but give a good list of what’s available near you, for your consideration. And it’s free. They’ll also meet with you about what you need, or what may be helpful, for you to be doing. Things like legal documents, and safety/security issues.

Browse through the forums, you’ll see a lot of advice on your questions. My own DH with Alzheimer’s was, I think, unable to fully realize his diagnosis, and had little reaction or curiosity about it…he just says “I forget” and either doesn’t try or walks away from most things (or people, or conversation, etc). Many are not able to “learn” much by the time they are diagnosed, but they may still be scared or upset. But others had more reaction and experiences to share. you can hear from them.

mommyandme (m&m)

We got inexpensive Wyze cameras. They are a life saver, literally.  Mom has 24/7 care now yet we still use them.

Sorry you and yours are going through this!