Grieving no matter what

Learn2Care

My father died of COVID in January. He and my mother lived in assisted living.  He had physical disabilities and my mom has dementia. They helped each other immensely and were married 63 years.  At the time of his death, assisted living asked us to hire a sitter 24/7 or move her.  They did not have memory care and did not want to be liable. So, we moved my mom from OH to CA to live with my husband and I.  At the time of my dad's death, she cried and grieved - but not as much as my siblings and I expected.  She seemed to be adjusting to the move and dad's death for 3 months.  Now, over the past 3 weeks, she looks for him every day.  I was telling her that he died and it was so upsetting to her that I called and spoke to a Care Consultant at ALZ.org and they recommended telling a fib.  I came up with one I thought was believable, but it does not help.  My mom misses my dad so much that she cries, no matter what I tell her.  Every day - multiple times a day she asks me to call assisted living because that is where he is and she wants to talk to him and have him come stay with us.  I tell her I call, but he is not there to talk with at the moment. 

Anyone have any suggestions?  If she grieves no matter what I tell her, do I just go back to the truth?  When she wants to speak with him and I give reasons he can't talk, she wants to know how he gets dressed and gets around.  She always helped him do those things.  She keeps repeating that he doesn't have a car and a phone.  She sold the car and she has his phone. The only thing that makes sense to her is that he is at assisted living.  Then she becomes upset with me and won't talk to me at all - until next time she wants to call assisted living.

I have been reading responses about grief on other posts and in some articles. Thank you to those who have shared their experiences.  It is very helpful.

M1

So sorry, I identify but don't have answers. My partner lost a sister six months ago, which is very different from a spouse, but we relive it and rehash it every day. She does accept the death however, which is also a bit different. I don't think I would keep telling her he died though. I think you are on the right track with the fibs. Maybe tell her he's coming as soon as he can? Would that possibly help?

Stuck in the middle

Sounds like she is worried about him and needs to be reassured he's being cared for.  She needs to know he isn't lying in a bed going hungry because she isn't helping him get dressed and fed.  I don't have a real good answer for this, other than you have found that the truth doesn't help.

When my son was three, his mother went to hospital.  I told him she was ill, was in hospital getting well, and would come home when she was well.  That satisfied him.  Maybe you can try some version of that.  She will still miss him, but might not worry so much if she believes nurses are dressing him and helping him.

I am sorry for your loss.  

Cynbar

I agree with Stuck --- reassure her, in the moment, that he is being cared for, that the assisted living is taking care of him. Tell her that you'll arrange for him to join you soon. Keep it simple, then repeat as needed. Another idea is to "recruit" someone you know to pretend to be from the AL --- call that person occasionally and have her reassure your mother.  That worked well for my DH for a long time. You have already found that the truth doesn't work and only upsets her --- she can no longer process it. Eventually, this will likely taper off. Good luck, I know it must be upsetting to see her like this when you are still grieving your dad too.

Learn2Care

Thank you for the suggestion. She seems  to be more confused the last two days, so I just go with whatever she tells me.  Yesterday she had her suitcases out and packed and was waiting on the moving truck. She told me my died was the one who died, but not her husband. So, I think my story will be whatever she needs to hear that day.

Learn2Care

Thank you for your suggestion.  I do need to reassure her he is having all of his needs met and is taken care of.

Jane Smith

I don’t have great suggestions to add to the advice you have already received, I am sorry to say. 

I did want to say welcome to the boards, and I am sorry you need to find yourself here. 

Also please accept my condolences for the loss of your father. 

You have a lot going on. I hope you can find support. The Alzheimer’s Association has a LOT of support groups and most of them are accessible by video and/or phone since Covid-so you can maybe find one that suits your needs and schedule even if it’s in Hawaii or Colorado or Maine!  I also would consider a therapist/counselor, and talking to your doctor about stress and maybe medication if appropriate. 

Very best wishes to you and your family.