Moved my parents today, hoping it works

Suzzin

I managed to convince my dad to sign the paperwork for a "retirement community" that goes from Independent Living through 4 stages of Assisted Living. It's new, it's lovely, it's 3 minutes from my house, and there will be someone there round the clock if something bad happens. Meals, laundry, housekeeping and activities all included. My brother came to town yesterday and took them out to distract them while I moved their stuff from the house to the apartment (with movers, I'm not completely insane!).

My mom has continually refused to go, although she often doesn't recognize her home of 25 years as her home. Today when my brother brought them "home" to the apartment they both begged me to let them go home. My mom was mostly silent (as expected) but my dad was really heartbreaking. He wants to try to make this work for my sake, but it's so hard for him.

I truly think this is a good move for them, they were...fine living in their own home but I was there every day for 3-4 hours plus managing all of their house stuff, finances, food, medical, etc. Oh, and my own family. I know that's nothing compared to what so many of you are doing, but this seemed like a sensible option that gives them, oddly, more independence (no carers at night) and social opportunities.

And yet, my mom is hurt and furious, and my dad is sad and struggling.  Does this get better? Did I make a mistake? We aren't planning to sell the house for a few months so they can still go back there.

M1

Fingers crossed for you Suzzin.  In fact, from an objective standpoint, they WEREN'T fine:  you were having to tread water to keep them where they were.  You did the right thing.  I get that it's hard.  From reading multiple posts, the adjustment is likely to take longer than you will want it to.  But I would encourage you to hang tough.  If they were to move back to their house, can you afford to hire someone to do what you were doing?

If I learn nothing else from this caregiving experience, it will be to be proactive about my own aging.  I'm ready to move to a CCRC already and I'm not near done with what I'm going now, which is trying to keep my partner in place until she dies.  I have all these fantasies about starting over and I am more and more convinced they are just that, fantasies.

Jenflex

Ditto on the good thoughts, Suzzin. I also chuckled when I read the comment about wanting to move now to a CCRC.  I'm in my 50s, and was laughing with my best friend from childhood...we want to move TOMORROW and we will just get old playing euchre together. 

Seriously, though, I want to be eyes-wide-open about this. I NEVER want my daughter to have to go through what I am doing now.

star26

That's a big accomplishment and I know it wasn't easy. It sounds like a great set-up for all involved. Whenever I've moved (happy moves that I've chosen myself) I have felt anxious, sad, and regretful in the beginning. The comfort and security of the known and "home" is suddenly gone. I imagine that these feelings would be multiplied many times for your Dad.  With these major plusses of the new place, I think there's good reason to feel hopeful that his feelings will settle down and he may make some happy discoveries and grow into liking the new arrangements. I noticed a similar change with my Dad during a 3 month respite stay. Ideally, this will reduce your Dad's stress and burden and increase enjoyable times he can spend with your Mom. Your Mom might take his lead eventually.  I think your arrangements of giving it at least a few months sound very good. I don't see any mistakes here!

Quilting brings calm

It will take 3-6 months for them to settle in.  Encourage them to join in the activities and make new friends.  Remind them their old friends are welcome to visit ( unless there are Covid restrictions). If your dad is still driving, remind him your mom is safe there and he can go to the store etc without her( if he’s capable).

King Boo

So, 'works' is a relative term.  Happy doesn't usually factor into this evaluation or no one would get anywhere.  Change is hard, even for cognitively intact older folk.

Your Dad is dealing with a lot of loss issues.  Loss of his wife, loss of 'used to', loss of his house.

This doesn't mean it shouldn't happen.   If you were over there as much as you report, things weren't really 'fine.'   Dad couldn't manage Mom on his own, and possibly himself as well.  The care of a PWD often overshadows the 'well' spouse; many with a sudden death of their parent with dementia are left facing the harsh reality that their other parent isn't as 'intact' as they thought.   Harshedbuzz is an excellent poster who uses the term 'scaffolding' each other.  It can be a very accurate description.

Managing Dad's emotions, loss and feeling he is is not competent is the biggest part of this situation, in my opinion.   Make it ALL ABOUT MOM; not his inability to care for her, or the house was too big, etc.   Same 'fiblets' slightly modified.     "Mom's doctor really feels she needs this supportive living to be her best."   "Mom is going to need doctors a lot more frequently, so easy here, they come to you"  "Mom needs safety, she could escape/fall/burn down the house."               "Of course going back to the house is an option, just not right now.  We need to get Mom help!".

Mom's confused anyway, but it would be helpful to have her out of the apartment during any sundowning, looking for home, etc.  Don't hesitate to use a geriatric psychiatrist if she is anxious, agitated or upset.  Mild medication can be a gamechanger, for both patient and caregiver. 

You did not make a mistake.  The worst that can happen is you decide it was the wrong care community and change facilities.  It is impossible to raise a family and be at your parents as much as you were, or at least very difficult.  And it only gets worse, not better.  Round the clock care comes eventually.  You got them out of there before a crisis, when there are fewer options and choices.   I know it's painful, but you are now in a parent role and must decide and soothe.

Both of them.

harshedbuzz

Suzzin-

Kudos to you for getting the move done. 

IME- limited to placements for dad, and 2 aunts- sometimes the best you can hope for is "settled" or "content" and that is assuming the care level chosen is appropriate. Happy and social may be beyond them. 

A couple of thoughts.

In addition to scaffolding for one another, you were providing substantial services to maintain their household. TBH, it is a little suspect to my ear that you were handling house, finances, food, etc daily indicates that dad was not up to the task of living alone. I imagine you will still manage some of those tasks while delegating the others to staff which your father may not see as a life style improvement.

FWIW, when dad was diagnosed, mom agreed to move closer to me in order to have help but she really struggled giving up her winter home in Florida; she carried on about it as constantly as dad did his loss of driving.  

AL doesn't really offer care for your mom to offer respite for your dad. His life with her will be as it has been only in a smaller place that isn't really home. This isn't an improvement for him.

When I first moved my parents here, I found them a lovely senior apartment but they were used to space- both of their homes had been 2000sqft with large 3 season porches. This gave dad a couple of places to bounce between and places where my mother could clear her head when needed. They were so miserable in the apartment, I ended up finding a townhouse in a 55+ community before the lease was even up. 

Socialization. This can be dicey. It's true that some of these places do the social piece amazingly well. One concern is that is your dad isn't an outgoing joiner, he's unlikely to change. Another concern is that the activities offered may be beyond what is comfortable for a PWD. 

There's a a CCRC near me that has more clubs that a well-funder suburban high school- they have a weather station, visits from the nearby preschool, trips, performance arts, wine tasting, travel, etc. One of the men from mom's support group lived in IL and then AL with his DW who had dementia. He was very social by nature and had a lot of activities in a day, but over time as his wife disease progressed, they became less appropriate for her and she was less included by others. Eventually, he took her to swim and they had lunch together. He was able to hire staff to provide care when he did activities. 

When we moved my older aunt to an AL, she was really more appropriate for MC. She could not participate in conversation or activities in a way her peers expected and was shunned by them in the manner of middle school meangirls. My other aunt went straight to a MCF in the middle stages and settled in beautifully. IMO, the right level of care makes the difference.

My dad has been dead 2 years and my mom now lives alone in a community that is walkable and offers lots of activities and amenities. She has no friends here anymore, so I encourage her to get out and use the pool, gym, take the tai chi her doc prescribed, volunteer to work the clubhouse reception desk but she blows me off. It would be terrific if she found some sort of entertainment that didn't involve me, but realistically I am not hopeful. Short of me scheduling playdates, I don't see it happening and it makes me sad.

That said, it's early days. Perhaps they will settle in at some point in the next 3-6 months. Or perhaps your mom's needs would be better served in a MCF where she'd get dementia-informed care and you dad could visit as a husband and not caregiver. 

HB

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Quilting brings calm

Rereading the authors’ post, I caught the no caregivers at night phrase.  This indicates to me that your parents have moved into the independent living part of the facility.  Don’t be surprised if the facility suggests a move to the assisted living part.   My parents tried an independent living facility for a few weeks before we had to move them back to our home state in an emergency basis. It didn’t work because my mom was too far gone for it even though the facility let them rent an apartment. 

They are now in assisted living and there are resident assistants 24/7 along with nurses on weekdays and medication management. It’s the right level of care for both parents.  None of this was available in independent living. Which was basically an over 55 community with housekeeping and activities. Your mom sounds like she needs assisted living. 

Either way you will still be managing the finances,  some food( they will divide they don’t like all the meal choices at  the facility so they will want groceries), supplies, etc,  

harshedbuzz

Quilting brings calm wrote:

Rereading the authors’ post, I caught the no caregivers at night phrase.  This indicates to me that your parents have moved into the independent living part of the facility.  

It's really hard to say. There is no real hard and fast universal definition of what many of these terms mean. Where I am traditional hospitality model "assisted living" is kind of like an old school college dorm- room & board with meds managed if needed. There is generally someone in the facility overnight, but they aren't doing bed checks and wouldn't come unless summoned in an emergency.

When my aunt was in AL before being turfed, she fell and broke her hip and wrist. We're not sure how long she was down, she'd gotten her morning meds and breakfast and was discovered at bedtime. Residents were free to come and go at will, so there was no concern that she'd not turned up for lunch or dinner the assumption being she fixed herself something or went out. 

Suzzin

Thanks, everyone. We made it through the weekend with some good points, so I am feeling at least a little less stressed. I know it will take a while but I am hopeful (at best) and resigned (at worst) that the change was necessary.  They are starting out in IL, at least for the first few weeks or months. Part of my selling point to my dad was that he would have more "independence", so I want to maintain that for a little while. The facility transitions to 4 levels of AL right in their apartment so they wouldn't have to move to get more care.

Dad has his own cognitive issues, but he could manage in the apartment on his own. He has already brightened a bit when he meets people, and he has found a nice walk out through the gardens and on to the dock that he does several times a day. I'm hoping he will find more people to chat with along his way (that's all part of the facility).

Mom couldn't manage without my dad, so we know this move is a step along the way for her. She alternates between being very sad that she has been forced to move (she is aware that's happened), and cheerful that this week in the  "hotel" for "doctor visits" has gone well and she's eager to get home.

My brother was here this weekend so they had lots of family and excitement for the first few days. I'm hoping to get into a new schedule over the next week, but know that I will be seeing them several times a day for a while. At least it's just 5 minutes away! I can ride my bike!

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Suzzin

The "dock" is actually a raised deck overlooking the water. The water isn't accessible unless someone wants to climb over the fence.

The place is one 5-story building, starts with IL and goes to AL. They don't provide MC per se, but if the person is manageable and doesn't wander then they can have AL take care of it. There are extra charges for each level of AL up to hospice (starting with daily meds, and going up to feeding, transfers, bathing, etc). We know this is likely an interim step for them, but getting them out of their house and used to a place with support seemed like a good start. They are both still with it enough that a nursing home/MC place wouldn't have worked.

I'm hoping that some social stimulation will help counteract the loneliness and boredom of their last few years---they just sat in the house and stared at the TV or slept. Their entire day was focused on when I would go to see them, which is draining (I'm just not that much fun). I'm hoping (lots of hoping here!) that they will meet a few people so that the walks are fun and social, they might go to the daily happy hour/social (right on their floor!) and chat with people, perhaps go to dinner with some people. They have truly been isolated other than a few neighbors who would check in on them. 

MKS II

Hi,

I think that this was a good move and in spite of what you're feeling now just think of how much time you'll have to focus on your family and get some well deserved rest. I have been taking care of my mom since 2017 she's had two major surgeries, suffered and stroke in 2018, and from 2018-2021 I would go to her house prepare meals and meds. My siblings offered spotty support which left my husband and three kids to do most of the work. This year my siblings finally agreed to sell my Mom's house and everyone of them assumed she'd be living with me. No plan of care was set up by my oldest sister who takes care of the finances so I had to bring her home with me. I don't think I'll be able to provide the level of care my mom needs because her dementia has seriously progressed since the covid outbreak.  So I know im saying a lot but just give it a few months to see how things go. I hope your parents will adjust. My kids resent me because I spend all day and evenings caring for my mom. I've missed out on a lot. Take care. 

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Suzzin

I thought I'd post a somewhat optimistic update. They've been in the apartment about two weeks, and seem to be adjusting. I still go every day, but instead of staring at the TV for two hours (Gunsmoke or Bonanza, still can't tell the difference!) we go for walks on the dock, play bocce, stop by the ice cream social, or dad and I go to the fitness center. For the first time in over a year I have seen my mom smile and laugh because she's out with people. She still packs every day to go home, thinks this is a vacation etc but she was packing every day at her home as well. Dad has more understanding that this is likely permanent, but he is trying hard to make it work and I am grateful for that. For the first time in over a year I don't wake up trembling, so something deep inside me is starting to relax.

I know there will come a point where they are tired of playing along and demand to go "home", so I'm taking every calm day as a blessing and storing up for the storm.

Stuck in the middle

Somewhat optimistic?  This is wonderful news!  Let her pack, time to go "home" is "tomorrow."  Your description of their life makes me want to ask if there are any more vacancies.

Thank you so much for sharing your good news.