What to say?(2)

SharronB

My 88yo mother moved into assisted living a week ago.  My 90yo passed in March and he had taken care of lots of things in the home.  When he went in the hospital I stepped in to take care of finances, check on her, etc daily.

She has dementia.  I did not realize how bad she was as my Dad did not discuss her medical conditions to me.  He only told me to not get into an argument with her as she would be angry and/or not talk to him.  Most of this he was telling me as he was being admitted into the hospital in early March!

When I spoke to her Dr, after my Dad passed, her Dr told me that she should not be alone.  During the past 3 months, my Mom was not taking her medicines, she was telling me she was lonely, she did not like to be in the house by herself, she did not know what to do with herself, she knew the house was too big for her, and she was scared in the house.

My Mom loves talking to people a lot.  She told me she did not want people coming into her house she did not know.  She was giving out personal info to people on the phone when I walked in, yelled at me for asking who she was talking to and did not know who she was talking to.

 After I toured a few local places, I took her to the AL facility I liked the best.  During the tour, she was stopping and talking to people, she was smiling, a larger unit was available and a male cardinal flies by the window of her unit!  I was thrilled.  She said she liked the place.

As there was a unit available, we started the QUICK process to get her moved. Maybe too quick??

I understand that she's going through MANY changes now and now I have to be patient.  She likes the people at the AL facility and says they are taking good care of her.  I get fabulous reports from the staff regarding her interactions with the residents, and keeping busy - she's barely in her apartment.

The issue is that she tells me during each phone call that she does not belong there because she does not use a walker, cane or wheelchair like "everyone else here does".  Yes, my Mom does not need an aid for walking.  

My father made arrangements many years ago for her to be taken care of when he was gone so we're fortunate for that.  I have told her that, and I've told her that she's not in the house by herself . I've told her that her Dr has said she should not be by herself. 

Any suggestions on what I can say to her or what not to say?

Thanks!

Stuck in the middle

Sounds like things are going really well.  I would probably skip the explanation, which she probably is forgetting as soon as you are off the phone, and tell her "That's OK, you don't have to have a cane to live there."  If she just wants to fit in, you could take her to Walgreen next time you have an outing and let her choose one.  My wife's cane is length-adjustable and is painted with lavender flowers.  Tres chic, in the 70s age group.

Quilting brings calm

My MIL ( no dementia) said she didn’t belong in her independent living and then ASL facilities because she wasn’t ‘old like everyone else here’.  She was 87 when she died,  but she could never admit that she needed to be there just like everyone else, even though she did. 

My Dad refuses to believe he belongs in the ASL they are in, even though the doctor told him he did.  Mom admits she needs to be there, but complains about the old people there( she is 83). 

It seems to be a common thing to say ‘ I don’t belong here because I don’t have x condition that so and so does’.  I agree with Stuck, buy  her a flowered cane.  Point out positives about the place.  Gush over an activity she tells you about. Give it time. 

Emily 123

 She sounds like she's doing really well, and that you made a good decision for her.  I agree that she's probably forgetting the conversation when you hang up. My mom is also probably one of the more mobile people at her dementia oriented AL, and she definitely doesn't see herself as 'one of them'.  It took her about 6 weeks to settle in, and about 3 months to get into a routine.  I would steer our conversations around to what features she really likes about the place, and so now she thinks that we looked at all our AL choices together and she liked this place the best. That makes sense to her, and lets her feel in control, so we're running with it!   When she talks about the other residents I make sure to tell her what great shape she's in and how wonderful it is that she's the 'cream of the crop' and how the staff love that she's active. What about saying something like your dad was worried about her being alone and staying safe so he wanted her to follow through with their plans?  I do think a lot of it for my mom was just the newness of it and now she's gotten used to seeing the same folks everyday in their walkers and wheelchairs.    She definitely is liking the safety net of having a routine there now that she's settled in.