I feel like my marriage is crumbling…

Alzcaregiver01

My mother in law has advanced Alzheimer’s and was only recently diagnosed. I’m really starting to resent and hate her. I’m sure it makes me sound like a horrible person. She’s never been very nice to me. She had only sons. When I first met her, she paraded another girl during one of our first meeting and told me “this is the daughter I never had.” During my husbands childhood, she had another son from a previous marriage who had been kicked out since he was abusing my husband physically. She would sneak in her son to see her when her husband was away. There were occasions in which he eldest son broke things or things went missing and she would blame it on my husband when he was a child. This would mean that he’d get the belt from his father and she knowingly kept doing it over several years. We also recently found out through DNA that she lied to his older brother (she had three sons) and her husband telling them they were their biological son/father when in fact someone else was the father. She had was dating someone to make my father in law jealous so he would leave his wife for her. Eventually this worked and he did leave his wife and kids for her. She’s also pretended to be a good religious woman since so she can become a pillar in the community. All these things make me hate her, how could she do this to my husband and to do many people? I don’t want to take care of her and can’t stand the sight of seeing her. My husband is a good man, both my parents are disabled and let them stay with us but they are otherwise capable of bathing themselves and taking care of themselves aside from their health problems. His half brother (who I mentioned recently found out his father isn’t his own) can’t stand the sight of seeing her but on top of all of this I recently suffered a miscarriage and have been struggling with the loss and fertility issues. I’ve tried to get my brother in law to deal with this full time and feel like a bad person but all of these things is causing my marriage to fall apart cus I can’t stand the sight of her but kept being told it’s my problem to deal with. I don’t know how or what to feel anymore. It sounds crazy telling strangers but I don’t know who to go to because no one seems to care. I’m sure my marriage is going to end because I’ve just been nothing but angry. What should I do?

Stuck in the middle

I think you should tell your husband what you told us.  Then the two of you can find her another place to live.

Your husband is fortunate to have found you after having such poor parents.  It would be a shame to let his mother ruin what he has.

[Deleted User]

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RanchersWife

I’m sorry for your loss. I know the pain. 

Once we know a little more about your situation we may be able to offer some advice. 

I care for my mil. I agreed to it. My husband is eternally grateful. I stepped up in a way ive never had to before. Before this I was a stay at him mom to 5 boys. I thrived. I cooked, cleaned (average cleaned), taught and raised them to be happy and smart boys. I do not thrive as a caregiver. I thrive as a mother! I consider the day we started this journey as the day I became a real adult. According to my husband, I hung the moon and I’m amazing.  He says he couldn’t do any of this (kids, caregiving, life in general) without me. I feel very appreciated. I feel more appreciated now than I ever have in the last 24 years of marriage.

 Caregiving is hard. Harder for me (emotionally) than for him. He’s very pragmatic. Being appreciated and supported is essential. So, we are a team. One dynamic in our caregiving is that while we do things for my mil, those things are really for the other person. Example : I had had a really long day and didn’t feel well. MIL needed a test for a UTI. I told him I should take her and help her give the urine sample. He insisted he do it. He helped his mother give a clean urine sample at the doctor’s office. That shows the depth of his love for her and for me. He knew I was too tired to drive three hours. These acts of love that we do have to be recognized and appreciated. My attitude is important too. I do not dislike my mil. She’s not my mother and I don’t feel the same way I do about her as I do about my mother. But I respect her and respect the job she did raising my husband. I’m sure your personal dislike for your mil is hard to hide and adds a negative dynamic. I’m not denying your right to dislike her. We all struggle with caregiving no mater if we like or dislike or loved one. I’ve cried daily for weeks at a time. My husband has expressed his concern for me and my mental health at times. I’m not saying that because we make this work it’s a walk in the park. Some of us caregivers have shut off parts of our emotions. I don’t know if it’s healthy or not (probably not). I’ve been doing this for 3.5 years. I don’t feel the same strength of emotion I felt when we were starting. I can’t tell you what you should do. I can tell you what works for us. I do hope that when our journey is over we can maintain our current appreciation of each other’s efforts and that our marriage stays as strong as it is now. My own mother was recently diagnosed with AD and I know I will have my husband’s support when it comes to her care. 

An important question that you and your husband might need to ask each other is “What do you need from me?” That is a hard one. It requires change. If you guys can figure out how to give the other person what they need you may be able to make your marriage work. You may need to be appreciated. You may need to not caregive. You may need help. You may need a break. He may need to not see your dislike. He may need to know you are always doing the care she needs  and not shirking. (I’m tempted to sometimes but that’s really not a moral thing to do and I would never want my husband to think I was negligent. Just like i wouldn’t leave our child in a dirty diaper, the same goes for his mother.) 

Anyway, this has to be a team effort and you both have to be appreciated by the other. I wish you the best.

Hugs. 

eaglemom

Welcome to the message boards. You've got a lot that you are handling. Please call the ALZ Helpline 800-272-3900 and ask to speak with a care coordinator. They should be able to assist you.

eagle

my3sons2.0

I hope you find a way to maintain your marriage and a good facility for your mil. There are plenty of individuals with memory care issues who are not cared for by family in-home. Personally I am honored to care for my mom in her home. But its not for everyone. My husband died suddenly and enexpectedly two and a half years ago and I still wrestle with feelings of regret for the time I will never have the chance to make up to him like I promised. He was incredibly supportive. I am in a current relationship that I don't expect to survive my mom's illness. But I'm more or less ok with that. Its an entirely different experience with this individual than it was with my late husband.