My mother broke her hip...I am exhausted.

Lor2014

...and my life is now centered on her care. I'm exhausted. First the ER, then the hospital, now a rehab. With my daily visits, I see that her dementia has progressed significantly, so I found a memory unit to move her to. She asked me, yesterday, if she was my mother. 

This is not how she wanted to go. She has told me that the lucky spouse (my dad) is the one who dies first. She tells me daily that if there was a pill she could take to die, she would take it. She told her doctor. I told her doctor that if I could order a morphine drip, I would order it for her. I don't know if the doctor was happy or sad that I said that. The hospital ordered a cath, and despite the requests to remove it, it's still in so I have my fingers crossed that she can void her bladder when she is transferred to memory care.

So now, I have to empty her apartment at assisted living. See what's there in 3 buckets - take, move, donate. It was incredibly depressing to see the memory care patients - half of them are comatose and 1/4 of them are aimlessly wandering, barely audible and understandable. Thank goodness the staff is so upbeat, as they are trained and used to the behavior.

Thanks for letting me vent. I.am.exhausted. Any advice is appreciated.

PickledCondiment

First, thanks for reaching out. You’re not venting (IMO) you’re wisely seeking advice on a subject you don’t understand. We’re all here for the same reason; to find community, fellow travelers on a journey we’re not sure how to take.  

I understand your physical and mental exhaustion. You’re correct, MC can be draining for those of us not involved (and trained) in direct care.

Thoughts on your task of emptying the apartment. How much is allowed for you to deal with cleaning out? (I do best with a timeline, deadlines.) Consider make a list of tasks that must be done, your three bucket idea is a great place to start.  Then start, give yourself a definite time (30 minutes, 60 minutes, whatever is doable for you) and simply start.  For me, seeing progress on a task is motivating and keeps me moving ahead, I focus on the small victories. 

Sunshine days

Dear Lor2014,

I feel your pain. My only advice for you is to try to love on your mama as much as you can right now. I don't want to scare you but the truth is between her worsening dementia and now the broken hip, she could conceivably pass away with very little warning just like my dear mama did only yesterday....she was living in Memory Care and declining cognitively at a steady rate, fractured her ankle in a fall of some kind and was gone 5 days later. I know we don't want this misery to go on forever but even so, it is still heartbreaking when they do actually leave us. I miss her terribly. May God bless you both. 

Dussing

Dear Lor2014,

I feel your pain...my sweet Mum fell on 8 June and fractured her pelvis (in the 5 minutes I took my eyes off her as she has been living with me at home).  She is in rehab now, and whilst making slow progress, I just never know because her dementia is exacerabted with the pain medication.  She clearly doesn't seem wanting to leave - but she is just so frail and losing weight.

I'd make sure you spend as much time as you need to, with your Mum as she may not be here tomorrow.  The MC staff do the best they can, and you can too, just love her as she is - that's all she wants (like all of us), love conquers all.  Take one second at a time, no going for the future on looking back - the present is where you Mum is, so you can stay there with her too.

Best of luck, stay strong  HGD

mommyandme (m&m)

Sunshine days.. I’m so sorry for the loss of your mom so suddenly.  

We are all out here... just doing this... thing!

I hope we all find peace and a smile today, even for a moment. 

Scarlett712

Thank you Lor2014.  I'm a long-distance caregiver, 85yo Mom has moderate dementia in rehab after broken hip, and wondering exactly what I'm supposed to be doing while here to help Mom, Dad and rest of family who live here full-time.  Your advice to love her while I can helps put everything in perspective (and Dad's 98, so this is bonus time with him as well).

Sjodry

Lor2014,

So sorry. I have lived all of this 3 moves (one from FL. to PA), 2 broken hips (the same one twice), lung cancer/lobectomy, Covid, 5 falls in memory care/trips to ER and a broken hand in the past 3.5 years. And as of yesterday..she is now a 2 person assist and in a wheelchair. I heard all of the same, “ I want to die, kill me and could I please talk to God so he would let her come to heaven”? 

All I can tell you is to keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep going. There are better and worse days. I have spent the last two hours crying and pleading with God to release us both from the prison of Alzheimer’s..she is trapped with this horrible disease and I am trapped and watching her suffer. I am usually pretty upbeat but this has to be one of the most difficult journeys to go through..some days just suck..(there is no polite way to say it).

Your love for her will keep you going as mine for my mom does for me.

Be strong, and develop a thick skin.

My thoughts and prayers are with you!

As my mom always said until recently..”Don’t get old, you won’t like it!”

Take care.

Sandy

Sjodry

Wow, ya’ll.. I just responded to this post a couple of days ago and here I sit at the hospital with my mom who just had another fall and has now broken her right hip. I had to take her off hospice to have her admitted. She will see an orthopedic doc tomorrow who will advise me about surgery. I then have to make that decision. I am tired, overwhelmed and sad.

Sandy