What do you say when LO asks if you are upset?

Quilting brings calm

What I am supposed to say to that? The truth is yes, I’m upset.  She calls multiple times a day about stupid stuff.  She acts as if I should immediately fix her minor issues. And then wonders why I sound  like I want to get off the phone. 

She’s not far enough along for this behavior.  She’s only at stage 4 and the doctor didn’t seem concerned at all when we saw him a couple weeks ago.  He suggested a neurologist consult in an email reply to my email before the appointment, but then he didn’t refer her afterwards. He didn’t change her medication at all. I had thought she might be slipping into stage 5, but I’ve decided not. 

Today’s minor issues( which are repeats of every day this week basically) she got her nails done this week so that her sore fingernail would quit hurting(???) , but her sore fingernail area isn’t fixed. So she called me to tell me that Dad was going to take her back  to the nail salon.  I told her early this week and again today that they aren’t doctors . They can’t fix a sore finger where she’d messed with the cuticle and mail and picked at it until it hurts. I gave  up and told her to do that if she wanted. Of course they told the same thing.  

2: her toes still hurt due to the removal of two toenails. We have this discussion several times a day and I tell her this is expected and she has to wait for them to heal.  Then she and dad go walk all over the grocery store or wherever they decide to go that day and she calls again at night to  tell me they hurt.  The director told me yesterday that they are gone every day / much more than most of the residents 

3: they don’t like the assisted living center’s meals.  So, go to the next resident council meeting and bring it up.  I’m not calling the director for you.  

So, daughter, you seem upset with me.  What am I supposed to say to that? 

I know some of you think I should move her to memory care. She’s definitely not far enough along for that since she can still do all the more basic activities of daily life ( dress, bathe, toilet, etc, and isn’t wandering. She s just at the stage where she thinks it’s my responsibility to solve all her problems because Dad won’t and she  cries if I don’t  do that right then. We’ve got a LONG way to go here I know.  I’m not cut out for this.   

Stuck in the middle

Frustrating, isn't it?  They do things you told them not to do, then expect you to fix it.  I'm not cut out for this either, but I've more or less been stomped into the mold.

If I learned nothing else in years of balancing the needs of competing dependents, it is to take a deep breath and stall.  "No, I'm not upset, just busy (shelling peas / writing a book / whatever).  I'll look at your toes (when I visit / Tuesday / whenever).  Try elevating your feet."

Deep breath.  Sometimes people cry, and you can't always make it better.

Quilting brings calm

Thank Stuck.  I needed that ‘no you are not crazy nor are you mean’ response, so thanks. 

Frustrating is exactly the word. I know you and lots of others here have it a lot harder than I do. Many of you are 24//7 and have done  this for years. I don’t mean to minimize your ordeals when I whine about my own.  Just needed to vent. 

Stuck in the middle

You are entirely welcome, Quilting.  That's what we're all here for, along with exchanging information.  My life is actually quieter than yours, right now, but the past couple of week were pretty stressful.  It comes and goes.

It may be that your mother's calls to you are serving some of the same purpose as our posts to the board.  She just needs to express herself to someone competent who can either help or offer reassurance.  I think the knowledge that she and her husband can't really adequately cope is pretty frightening.  So, you are helping whether you actually do anything about her problem or not.

GothicGremlin

Oh, man, Quilting, I hear you. It's quite frustrating. When I'm working, it's not uncommon for my sister to call me multiple times expecting that I can fix whatever it is that needs fixing. One time she called me 17 times in less than six hours. It's frustrating and stressful. And no, I didn't pick up all of those times. 

What I eventually hit upon is kind of what Stuck in the middle mentioned - our people with dementia want to be heard. They want to be validated and made to feel like they matter (and of course they do matter, very much).

I can only imagine how scary it must be to realize that your brain isn't functioning the way it used to, and that you've lost any semblance of independence. My sister has told me any number of times that she's not the person she used to be. And when we read Wendy Mitchell's excellent book (almost two years ago now), "Somebody I Used to Know", she said to me, "that's exactly how it feels. Somebody I used to know."

So, I try to keep all of that in mind when I'm frustrated out of my skull with 17 phone calls. We do what we can. You aren't crazy or being mean.

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Cynbar

I also don't get too hung up on stages ---- they are only meant as a guideline, and each person differs in personality, living situation, health and other factors. It does sound as if your mother is not getting the attention/validation/reassurance she needs in her current residence, from either the staff or her husband. A move to memory care would give her that, their staff is used to responding to constant questions and need for attention. You could also try hiring a companion for a few hours a day, several days per week who would also agree to be available for some phone calls at an additional fee. That would be cheaper than separate living arrangements for your parents. You already know that reasoning with your mother is not effective, she needs a person to frequently reassure her that all is under control.

Treading_water

After getting some really good advice here, one thing I try to remember when I am feeling frustrated is that my LO is looking at things from inside his own dementia bubble. 

It’s like a plastic bubble surrounding him and  all he can really focus on is what’s inside the bubble..him…his needs and wants. His brain doesn’t seem to really see clearly past that bubble so he’s not thinking as much about what’s outside. Like other people, their needs, their feelings. 

It’s still frustrating but it helps to remind me that he’s not doing it on purpose. It’s just how his brain now functions. 

Those rare occasions when he does ask if I’m upset or even notice how I’m feeling I’m so surprised that it’s tempting to tell the truth. But I am also learning the truth doesnt accomplish anything. If you explain why you are frustrated it’s not like they will change their behavior. They literally can’t. Deflecting and changing the topic or ending the conversation seem to work better. At least for me. 

Quilting brings calm

Thank you all again for validating ( such a big word!) my frustration.  You are all right on point with how she is feeling.  The fact that she is ‘losing it’ is very real to her.  I try to keep that in mind and attempt to hide my frustration accordingly when I am with or on the phone  with her. However, as you all know, some  days it just isn’t possible to catch yourself in time. 

Victoria - in answer to your suggestion. I know you are making great points, but not doable for me right now. This ASL doesn’t have a memory care unit.  Like many others, I needed an ASL quickly and had to go with meeting the needs they had then as opposed to later.  Their pet got to come with them and that and a being in a small suburb of our 100,000 city was important to them.   Because I have them both to accommodate, the memory care option will wait for as long as possible. Both for finances and other issues.    He is 81, takes B12 shots, has COPD, thyroid cancer in both lungs and an unidentified mass in one, plus a recently discovered irregular heart rate, but is supposedly of sound mind. Thinks he is able to take care of himself. 

Once she is placed in memory care, he will fight staying in any group situation other than a trailer park or campground.  That will mean a lot more involvement on my part than I actually have now and I am not up for it. When I say ‘fight’. I mean it’s possible that he will just walk  out one day,  get in his car and do something really stupid like go down to the southern coast and rent or buy a used camper in the campground they used to live in. 12 hour drive without stops.   Then expect me to deal with all his needs and  the disaster that will likely occur sooner rather than later.  I’ve been there, done that already since they sold their home and moved there originally and then expected to periodically come  down there  on an emergency basis.  So been there, done that.  Can’t do it again,