How Do I Handle Anger and Mean Words?

LLSK

I need help dealing with my sister's anger.  In her worst confrontation she dropped F-bombs.  She was demanding to go home.  She even spelled it out H-O-M-E, home! Several nurses in the home came and went, trying to assist.  My sister's youngest daughter was trying her best to reason with my sister.  The last nurse who came in the room frustrated my sister so badly that she didn't know how to express it, so she blew a big raspberry at her and told her to get out.  We family members left and she calmed down eventually, so they told us.

She refuses to get a perm and hair cut.  Many have tried.  I even made up a fake appointment card.  We talked a while before the appointment time and I mentioned it was "girls' day" and she was getting a perm.  When it was time to leave her room, she absolutely refused to go and got very angry.  So angry she said, "Why don't you shut up."  I know it is her dementia talking but my feeling were hurt that the sweetest sister I had would say that to me.  The nurse tried to calm her down.  I kissed my sister's forehead, told her I loved her and quietly left.  She watched me with a surprised expression and a question in her eyes but I kept going.

That was weeks ago.  Yesterday we were coloring and she was smiling and actually talking pleasantly until the physical therapy lady walked in.  She sat down, we said a few things about coloring to each other and then she asked my sister if she wanted to do some exercises, and that she didn't have to get out of her chair.  I added that we could get back to coloring when she was done and she said in a mean, nasty voice, without looking up, "Why would I want to do that when I am busy doing this?"  I wanted so badly to say, "Because it would be the polite thing to do?" but I said nothing.  

She doesn't want to cooperate with anything that would be good for her.  She tried 4 times to escape a few months back.  They moved her to the 2nd floor.  She sleeps till noon, eats lunch and goes back to bed, then walks the halls at night.

Any suggestions?  

M1

Hi LLSK.  I would suggest stop trying to reason with her, and give up your expectations of any cooperation--it's obviously beyond her.  Probably you are the one who thinks she needs a haircut and perm?  Maybe settle for just washing her hair so it's clean is all you can expect/hope for.  Ditto with physical therapy.  Not likely to happen with someone with advanced dementia, they can't follow instructions.  

You didn't mention what kind of facility she is in--sounds like rehab or skilled nursing?  Is a transfer to a place more focused on memory care a possibility?  

dayn2nite2

Pick your battles.

Is she safe?  Is she relatively healthy?

Meaning haircuts and perms = agitation 

Her anger sounds relatively mild compared to some.  We have people who threaten to kill others.  I’ll take her anger any day.  Don’t reason.  Don’t agitate.

towhee

Try watching the Teepa Snow videos on youtube titled Making Visits Valuable. I think you will find it helpful.

Sjodry

LLSK,

This journey will force you to develop a thick skin. The rational & researching part of me understands how this illness presents (including mean words, insults, F-bombs,etc.), but depending upon the day, the stressors I have, it can bother me in the moment. I either take what I call, a “spiritual pause” or a couple of deep breaths. Most of the time, I try to diffuse by hugging her and telling her I love you. This tends to stop her in mid-rant. The other day, she got mad as I was trying to pull her pants down to help her sit on the toilet. She asked me what the hell I was doing and didn’t I have a darn* brain? I was feeling jovial and started laughing and told her I did, but I was not sure how well-functioning it is anymore. 

When you understand that this brain disease kills all of your loved one’s filters and boundaries and they have no control over it, it is easier to go with the flow and not take anything personal.

Take care.

Sandy