A little demoralized today

LarryFeltonJ

I'm a bit demoralized today.

My brother-in-law has EO, and I came up to New York to take care of him while we worked out the details of his move to near my wife and I.

I love my wife, but her natural tendencies are not toward caregiving.  I came up here because it became obvious that her brother would wind up hospitalized or institutionalized if someone didn't directly intervene.  It was not safe for him to live alone, and for my entire adult life, I've always been the person to intervene.

We've worked out all the arrangements, and I'm bringing him to a memory care facility very close to our house.

There are needless to say  dozens of things to do, and given that I'm doing a lot of them, things need to be set up in the simplest possible way.

So the immediate issue is that when we arrive there needs to be furniture set up.

There is a furniture outlet that works with the facility, so I began conversations with them, and with my brother-in-law.  We settled on appopriate furniture for the space,

Then my wife decided she did not like the furniture we chose.  I told her fine, but I'm in the middle of working with the realtors to get the house here sold, and with the DMV here to get my brother-in-law's car street-legal to possibly sell, and cannot switch gears and start the furniture process all over again.

So I told her that if she wants to take on the furniture, and make certain that he has furniture delivered and set up, that would be fine (I already had those assurances from the original furniture company).

She flew into a rage and hung up on me.

I'm already on emotional thin ice given the pressure I've been under during the past three months since I've been up here.

And the furniture and my wife is not the only third-party complication.

One of my brother-in-law's long-time friends, a wonderful guy, has decided that Dave's big priority is finding sentimental objects in the house to take.  Dave pushed back on that himself, and said "It's not like I have a house full of those things."  His friend said maybe I (not the friend, but me) could do it.  Dave said, "Why don't you ask him then."

The thing that links these two things is that in both cases, it wasn't what Dave wanted that seemed important, but what the two other people would prioritize themselves (I do, by the way, plan on including some memory items from his past.  Just not to the extent that his friend is lobbying for.)

Stuck in the middle

Boy, do I ever know that feeling!  Doing someone else's job while they carp about how I'm doing it.  Makes me want to give them the back of my hand, just to get them to let go of my sleeve.

Hang in there, Brother.

[Deleted User]

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M1

Larry I remember your previous posts, and yes i agree you are being an amazing spouse and brother in law to take this on.

Go with the furniture you've picked out.  Geez.  At least he'll have a bed to sleep in.  Not worth the carping, for sure, but hard to listen to I'm sure.  

Keep us posted how it goes, hope it's over soon for everyone's sake.  Then the adjustment period will begin, but at least you'll be home, right?

LarryFeltonJ

Yeah.  I'm being careful at this point to not lose my temper and say things to her (and my brother-in-law's friend) that I'll regret later.  But sometimes I feel like saying "Any problems you have with the decisions I've made are a volunteer opportunity for you.  So have at it.  Just make sure the furniture's in place when we get there."

LarryFeltonJ

Thanks.  One of the worst things about this is that every single person who has strong opinions about things I view as secondary (furniture appearance, which particular mementoes get taken) have assigned me to do the stuff.

LarryFeltonJ

Yeah, I'm anxious to get back home.  I'm sure the settling-in period for by brother-in-law will create it's own stresses too.  But I'll have respite.

Iris L.

LarryFeltonJ wrote:

  But sometimes I feel like saying "Any problems you have with the decisions I've made are a volunteer opportunity for you.  So have at it.  Just make sure the furniture's in place when we get there."

Say it.  They'll back down.

Iris

Iris L.

LarryFeltonJ wrote:

One of my brother-in-law's long-time friends, a wonderful guy, has decided that Dave's big priority is finding sentimental objects in the house to take.  

I'm suspicious.  Is the friend seeking collectibles to resell?  

Iris

LarryFeltonJ

No, I don't think so.  He's not going to be back by here, and wants my BIL to find the things and take them to the MC facility.  I think he's just gotten it into his head that surrounding himself with mementos is a big priority for my BIL.  The thing is, we did dig out some photos, my BIL's professional certifications and other stuff that might remind him of his earlier life.  Just not to the extent his friend would have preferred, and in a way that seemed more like a strident harangue than concern.

Amymv

You are a good man and you are doing your best.  I agree with the others, I am sure you chose very nice and functional furniture.  It's not a perfect world, but you are striving to do so much and you are getting it done! I hope you come back to the site to let everyone know when your bil is settled near you and I hope you can get away for a little vacation! I would take you for a brother in law in a heartbeat .