Selling home and moving

W.L.

Well, I'm back again. DW still at home but slipping further into dementia.

I have a question that hopefully someone can help me with. our home and yard are more than I can handle and care for her too. I would like to sell the home and downsize, taking her to the new home of course. I fear a move may really upset her but at the same time this place is more than I can handle.

Anyone gone through this? Did it work out or did you have regrets. I truly need some input from those with experience in this.

PS, she has lived in this same house for 42 years.

Looking forward to advice.

WL

Ed1937

Hi W L When you say "downsize", does that mean you will buy a smaller place? If so, you will still have the grass to mow, and be responsible for everything else. If that is the case, would you be better off staying where you are, and hiring help with the upkeep needs? Or would you be better off buying something, or renting, where everything is taken care of for you? As she progresses further, even a small lawn can be problematic for you to take care of.

I think there's a good chance she will be set back if she moves to a new place. You have a lot of things to consider, many of which I haven't mentioned. Good luck to you.

W.L.

Ed1937 wrote:

Hi W L When you say "downsize", does that mean you will buy a smaller place? If so, you will still have the grass to mow, and be responsible for everything else. If that is the case, would you be better off staying where you are, and hiring help with the upkeep needs? Or would you be better off buying something, or renting, where everything is taken care of for you? As she progresses further, even a small lawn can be problematic for you to take care of.

I think there's a good chance she will be set back if she moves to a new place. You have a lot of things to consider, many of which I haven't mentioned. Good luck to you.

Thank you, the plan would be to buy a mobile home in a park with no yard to care for. last thing I want is to set ger back.

WL

Jeff86

I considered a move to make life easier/safer for my DW, as we live in a rambling old three story house with no bedrooms and only a small powder room on the first floor.  My DW, in better days, felt passionately about this house; now, she doesn’t know the layout of the rooms and can’t find the bathroom on her own.  And she frequently wants to ‘go home.’

My DW’s neurologist weighed in and recommended against a move, as she felt it possible that the dislocation/disorientation could lead to further AD progression.  So here we remain.  YMMV.

harshedbuzz

I moved my parents more than I would have liked to right after dad was finally diagnosed with mid-stage mixed dementia. I am of a mind that anything that makes life easier on the primary caregiver translates to better care for the PWD. Especially if it prevents premature death from stress.

Prior to dad's diagnosis, they were splitting the year between MD and FL with no obvious immediate changes in cognition or behavior associated with their annual migrations. I didn't note any real drop in his baseline skills around moving him; he was a bit cranky after the first move to the apartment but that was due to a complete screw up with the SNF and pharmacy relative to his medications. TL;DR- the doctor at the SNF didn't send over his Seroquel and the pharmacy didn't know which "John Smith DOB 1-1-1934" he was and filled random prescriptions for a man who died 12 year prior in Sacramento.

After a hospitalization, dad went to rehab and mom and I decided they needed to be closer to family (that would be me). I found them a 55+ apartment complex and arranged to move some of their MD furniture and household stuff to set it up and also arranged with a Realtor to stage, show and sell that house. They were never happy in the apartment; I think it was too small for my mom to get a break from dad and his messes and loud TV. Once the place in MD sold, I found them a nice twin in a 55+ community where all the exterior stuff is managed; it's a little more work than being able to delegate pretty much everything to the super but it works and it's been perfect for mom now that she's in stage 8.When I did the physical move to the house, I put them up in a nice hotel for the weekend and scrambled to get the house in turn-key condition by Sunday afternoon. 

I feel like one of the reasons the moves went as smoothly as they did is because I kept dad in the dark around what I was doing- he wasn't around when we were discussing what pieces of furniture to keep or donate, asking prices, showings, etc. He went from rehab to the new temporary apartment and then from the "vacation hotel" to the new house. Within a week he was bragging about having found and negotiated the sale of the house and decorating it. A month later, he thought he was back in Florida and was happy to be there. 

If you decide to move, try to get into the new place first and sell the old one after. Accept help if offered.

loveskitties

Taking care of a home and a LO at the same time can be overwhelming.

If finances are a reason for not getting help with the care of the home, then moving is probably in your future.

Any change of environment seems to cause mental/emotional upset.  However, some times there is no choice.  You being with her may help.

Talk with her doctor about your situation.  You do her no good if you wear yourself out or if your environment goes unattended.

Wishing you and your LO the best.

Rescue mom

We moved my mother from her house of 50 years into a facility. There was some adjustment time, as is usual, but in a year, she did not know where she was, regardless. She would think she needed to go home, but thinking of childhood home, gone for decades earlier. We could drive by the place she left, and she did not recognize/remember it.

I would say if you need a smaller place, that needs less attention from you, you should go. She will need increasing amounts of your time and energy, and it’s likely that soon her specific surroundings will not matter to her either way. What HBuzz said is so true, IME. What helps the caregiver translates into you being better able to help her.

RanchersWife

Have you thought about what your future caregiving will look like? Will an extra bedroom for a hired person he needed? Would it be better to remodel the house to include a separate entrance and private space for live in help? 

We have my LO in a tiny house. It’s worked well except it feels crowded even with just two people. 

ThisLife

I appreciate everyone's input on this topic.  I am doing a move.  I have house cleaner, pool person, yard person, and hire almost everything else done.  I did much of these things myself, 'til three years ago.  Hiring for repairs has become a problem as they think I'm too old and try to sell me services or replacements that are not needed.  I have had to have our son help me negotiate things by phone with some real scammers.

My H is early Stage 6. The house is sold and I'm looking for a house near our son. The move is for me.  My H's quality of life will not get better. Mine is getting worse. I focus on making sure he has good care. I want some life for me.

Anyway, I will post our journey.  But keep in mind it is always different for each person with dementia.

Jackie

1962ART

Hi All:  We moved three years ago to get DH closer to a neurologist in the large teaching hospital in our state.  He knew about the move and was absolutely set on staying in the town where we had lived for 45 years.  

Not only did we move 200 miles, but our daughter said, "Let's get a house together."  So we did. We are back in the part of the state where DH and I grew up.  I try to drive him to his hometown a couple times a year.

Adapting to the move was hard for us both.  Hubby is in early mid-stage so he can drive and has joined a service club.  Living with our daughter is such a help for both of us.

Now, we commute 180 miles in another direction to take care of our new grandson two weeks out of the month.  We used to do this in our RV, but we are selling that and son is getting a new house that will make our stays much more comfortable.

Hubby complains about finding things in the kitchen when we go to our summer cabin.  After a few days, he has found where everything is kept and he does well.  For every family, the situation and decisions are completely different.  All this change has given us a house we can age in, a daughter to help us, and a son, DIL and grandson not too far away.   Has DH suffered from all this change?  I don't think so.  I wonder if it hasn't given him new things to challenge his mind instead of dwelling on health conditions in addition to VD, AZ and stroke.  For us, it was a positive change.  Additionally, our PCP told me when I first floated the idea of a 5-year plan for moving, "Better sooner, than later."

Quilting brings calm

In about 10 months, my parents  moved several times. 

Camper to independent living( basically over 55 apartments )  - 1 month 

Hospital/ rehab for mom, hotel for dad - 1 month 

Assisted living 1 bedroom - 6 months

Same building / 2 bedroom - 2 months 

Same building different 2 bedroom - been there  11 months. First two bedroom had WiFi issues. 

There will be a period of disorientation and adjustment that might cause some behavior issues. But it will settle down especially if you keep some furniture etc. you need to do what makes your life easier as caregiver is a 24/7 job. 

If you can afford an assisted facility for both of you, I recommend you go that route.  It has advantages for you as a caregiver.   

mainstreetmarshall

We are facing the same issues and right soon. Been in this house for 32 years. My plan is to move into a "ranch style apartment". If you've never seen one of those, there are no steps. Usually 2 or 3 bedrooms, with garage and no chores! They are getting very popular here in Pennsylvania. They can be pricy unless you look at the "whole picture". No taxes, no mortgage, no homeowners insurance, no repairs, no upkeep, no mower to maintain and fuel,  no broken appliances to replace, no snow to blow. The one Im looking at in Pittsburgh runs about $1800 a month. At least at THIS point, the wife is aware and agrees this is necessary.

OrganizerBecky

We moved about 6 weeks ago. We had lived in a split level for almost 25 years. I was OVER hauling groceries upstairs from the garage and laundry up and downstairs. It wasn't a big house, but now that the kids are grown, more than we needed. Due to the housing market, we got a very good price for our house. We (I) bought a duplex for a little less than what we sold our home for. It has no steps going into the house from the garage or front door. 2 bedrooms, 2 baths on main floor. One bed, one bath and loft upstairs, which is perfect for our daughter who just graduated from college and moved home for awhile.

We looked at the place together before I made the offer. I'm sure he didn't remember anything about it between the time I signed the contract and when we moved 5-6 weeks later. 

At any rate, my DH is probably stage 4-5. He can stay home by himself while I work (he has the dog for company). Can still fix sandwiches and chips for lunch and watch TV.  He has transitioned well, however, I noticed he won't do things he used to do in the old house. For example, the microwave and the stove are different, so he won't use them. He used to heat up a can of soup every day for lunch and has quit doing that. He never has been one to try new things, though. I wanted to move sooner rather than later so he would have a better chance of getting used to the new place. I think all the stars aligned just right for us (thank you, Jesus). 

Not sure if that answers your questions, but it was our experience. 

ladas

W.L. I have had the same thoughts myself. It is all getting to be too much.

I haven’t read all the replies yet, so I don’t know if it’s already been mentioned. I would recommend seeing a qualified CPA or tax accountant to see what the tax implications would be if you sell. He/she can help you determine what the (capital gains) tax implications and advantages/disadvantages may be if you sell now. He/she can also explain the advantages of sell now vs. sell later vs. sell when your LO passes away. There may also be financial reasons why it makes more sense to have housecleaning help and yard help where you are rather than sell.

Best wishes.