Seeking advice - conservatorship

LevisHouse

If you have gone through conservatorship, I am wondering if you have advice. My aunt is in CA and I am in MN. She is going to be notified tomorrow by courier that this is happening and the hearing (via Zoom) is a week from today. She is going to be confused and angry and she won't really understand what is happening - only that she is losing control. While the fibs are very helpful, I can't really see a way through this other than being honest. What do you advise? What should I keep in mind when she calls after being notified, when she is notified that I have become conservator, and when I arrive to start arranging home care?

dayn2nite2

Are you intending to fly to California, arrange home care and then go back home?  There’s no plan to move her to your area?

LevisHouse

Plan A is to keep her in her home for as long as possible - she loves where she lives more than anywhere else on earth - it is her comfort and her sanctuary. Having said that, I don't know if she will actually accept help, in which case there will be no choice. But at the moment, I'm willing to travel to make it work for her.

star26

I recommend talking to her in advance. You can be honest while also skewing the truth so it does not seem too threatening to her. You could even make it sound like an advantage. I don't know what understanding, if any, she already has of her situation. Assuming she does not have kids, maybe something like "Aunt Jane, sometimes when people get old or become suddenly sick, the government tries to take over their care if they don't have kids or family nearby. I don't want that to ever happen to you because I know how important it is for you to be in charge of your own life. I'm working on having myself named as your guardian so you don't ever have to worry about that. We'll always be a team and you'll know that you can count on me to look out for you if you need me.... You'll get some papers tomorrow about this... "  This is along the lines of the tone and messaging I took with my Dad. My Dad finally agreed saying "I want her to be in charge. She knows what I want and I trust her." 

Setting up care is Step 2. One step at a time. More fibs can help with this. If she buys into something like the story above, maybe something like "the government/your doctors were worried about you living alone and they wanted you to move somewhere else. I told them you wanted to stay at home and got them to agree to having some help here for anything you might need. You don't have to pay for it, it's all taken care of. You can have them help with housekeeping, cooking, organizing, laundry, etc. I wish I had someone that could do all that for me..."  

I know, it all sounds easier than it actually is. But, eventually you will overcome each hurdle or she will get over it.  That said, long distance caregiving did not work for me. Not having a family member to oversee caregivers and assess the day to day situation opened my Dad up to risks and problems. Have a Plan B ready to go. 

LevisHouse

Thanks, star26 - I really like your advice. I'm hoping that once we get through all of this, she will actually have less stress and feel better - it's the transition that will be rough. I'm worried about home care, too, for the reasons you mentioned - but I want to try because I know it is what she wants. She is in a small town and the neighbors are keeping close eyes on everything - that is a huge help.

M1

LH, does she even know what Zoom is? Don't be surprised if she doesn't. Is she required to attend the hearing? You might need to anticipate that one of the neighbors may need to help her with that. Just a thought....

LevisHouse

She isn't required to attend the hearing and she won't be able to get into zoom. The entire thing will be very confusing to her. In addition, court investigators will show up to visit her and make sure that what has been submitted to the court is accurate. A social worker (demential specialist) from JFCS has started visiting her and my aunt loves the social aspect, but it is clear she needs help...