Groundhog Day... repetitive phone calls

Jerome Likes Pie

Hello fellow caregivers,

I didn't know if I should post this or not because it seems so petty compared to others' posts, but my mother who has Alzheimer's continues to call my brother and I up to 20 times a day each.  It is because about 2 months ago, we took away her checkbook as one of the last pieces of control under our DPOA, and more recently, the doctor advised her to stopped driving, so Mom actually gave us her car keys.

Every call that she makes to my brother or myself is threatening to call the police or an attorney because we have "stolen" her checkbook and car keys.  We are not worried at all if she does call them because we have proactively alerted the police and her attorney, but each day it is the same conversation as she has forgotten yesterday's conversation (and the conversation an hour ago) and the day before that, so on, and so on.  And of course, she uses terrible language that isn't worth repeating here.

We can't answer the phone every time she calls, but it can get annoying when she is calling nonstop at 15 calls a clip.  I feel guilty for not answering but I know 99% of the time, why she is calling anymore.  We have told her to stop calling so often, but no use.  Nearly every conversation that we have now is about us "stealing" her checkbook and car keys instead of something more pleasant.

Any suggestions?  

Stuck in the middle

If she really can't remember the conversations, will she remember if you promise to give them back?

Is this woman living alone?  If so, is this a good idea?

Jerome Likes Pie

We tell her that we will think about giving them back and will let her know.  This at least ends the conversation relatively well.  We are working quickly in evaluating AL/MC facilities.

towhee

Nothing is too small, irritants can grow. Jerome, how are you responding to her when she calls?

star26

If you don't think she would then want to use them, maybe putting a fake/old checkbook and a key blank that looks like hers in her purse would satisfy her?

Jerome Likes Pie

We left her a letter summarizing the benefits of why we took the checkbook.  I often refer to the letter when she calls.  I tell her she was falling for too many scams and we are helping her avoid scams.  She can still see through fiblets pretty easily so I stick with things like: we are working as a team, it is our fiduciary duty in the POA to look out for your best interests, all of your bills are automated, we want you to be able to afford AL/MC, etc.  I typically end it with, "Ok, I will look into that..."  

She may respond, "I will call you when I want to write a check," or "I will stop giving to scammers," but, she always ends with, "I want my checkbook and keys back" without any rationale of course.  

I am pretty ineffective when I speak with her about this, so I have been watching some Teepa Snow videos.

Jerome Likes Pie

She definitely wants and will use her checkbook and keys.  If she had a Fisher Price checkbook that could pass for her bank's, I guarantee a bunch of "charities" would be receiving $10 rubber checks.  And when she tried her fake car key that looked just like her "stolen" key, she would call me or my brother, or maybe even the dealer.

M1

Jerome maybe you can try blaming her doctor. You can have them back when the doctor says you can. That then gives you an opportunity to validate how unfair it seems—

Emily 123

Just stick with it. I'd get rid of the note by the phone-it's a trigger.  Every time she sees it she's going to get mad and call.

Like you, I had many,  many conversations, rational conversations, about why & what ''the plan'' was--I really wanted my mom to understand and to be on board, probably because if she could that would take the pressure off of me.  And I wouldn't have to lie to her about things--one of the things that gets drilled into kids the most from very early on is 'don't lie to your parents'.

And many times she'd agree with me.  For 2 minutes.  So now I'm all for the fiblet.  Choose ones that remove the responsibility from you or your brother. You still have the AL/MC move to deal with soon, so you might not want to be at loggerheads every day if you can avoid it. Can you change the note to ''The car is in the shop and the parts are on order' and the bank wants to switch over to 'more secure' checks, so you're waiting on those to arrive?

Checks: If they're a trigger because she keeps hunting for them, and you don't think she'll be able to write any, you can order checks from Amazon for $10, entering incorrect info for routing and account numbers.   I think you had been pretty much diverting her financial triggers, but if she does send one out to a scammer then it's harmless, though I would put incorrect personal info on it-maybe misspell an address or zip code, etc. 

harshedbuzz

This is not a petty or silly concern. Along the Dementia Trial, there are difficulties unique to every stage. IMO, this stage- where there's still the ability to recall strongly emotional subjects like the indignity of the loss of driving or financial independence but not lower stakes things like the conversation you've already had a dozen times today- was the toughest. This was made even worse because dad was still highly verbal and scoring well on the quick and dirty screeners like MMSE so we assumed he was more on the ball than he was. 

Dad had to give up driving. We were able to blame the doctor and offer vague hope that perhaps he'd drive again once he was stronger. Our approach was to disappear the visual trigger- the car- and allow him to hold onto his drivers license and keys as comfort objects. I create a fiblet about an annual safety inspection or a manufacturer's recall using the old "waiting for a part from China that's delayed because of COVID".

For the checks, I would just tell her they've run out and you're awaiting new checks from the bank. Rinse and repeat. You can promise to look into it and report them lost in the mail and reordered. 

Sooner is better for MC. Staff will likely be able to engage her which will reduce this kind of interaction and allow you to have better visits.

HB

Quilting brings calm

It’s not a petty concern.  The repetitive phone calls wear you down.  My mom has called 8 times in 6 hours.  Dad misplaced his phone and she’s having meltdowns galore, no matter how many times I tell her that it will either turn up or they can buy a new one, it’s still a crisis. I’m sure it’s either in the ASL apartment or the car.  

I was over there already this morning ( before the phone crisis) because they wanted me to look at moms’  toes. She’s got a scheduled  follow up with her podiatrist tomorrow, so there was no reason for me to need to look at them, I have no medical training. 

The sooner you can get her into AL or MC, the better.  But the phone calls won’t stop. 

BassetHoundAnn

Jerome Likes Pie wrote:

Hello fellow caregivers,

I didn't know if I should post this or not because it seems so petty compared to others' posts, but my mother who has Alzheimer's continues to call my brother and I up to 20 times a day each.  It is because about 2 months ago, we took away her checkbook as one of the last pieces of control under our DPOA, and more recently, the doctor advised her to stopped driving, so Mom actually gave us her car keys.

Every call that she makes to my brother or myself is threatening to call the police or an attorney because we have "stolen" her checkbook and car keys.  We are not worried at all if she does call them because we have proactively alerted the police and her attorney, but each day it is the same conversation as she has forgotten yesterday's conversation (and the conversation an hour ago) and the day before that, so on, and so on.  And of course, she uses terrible language that isn't worth repeating here.

We can't answer the phone every time she calls, but it can get annoying when she is calling nonstop at 15 calls a clip.  I feel guilty for not answering but I know 99% of the time, why she is calling anymore.  We have told her to stop calling so often, but no use.  Nearly every conversation that we have now is about us "stealing" her checkbook and car keys instead of something more pleasant.

Any suggestions?  

Hi, Jerome. We went through this same scenario with my mom about a year ago. She would call us 30 times a day. And she claimed to be calling the police reporting that my DH and I had moved her from her house against her will, taken her driver's license and taken away access to her bank account. After about six months the calls to the police--real, imaginary, and threats stopped. She forgot about the license et al. And she was on to new daily freakouts. 

These days she'll call us 30 times in a day to report that someone stole her purse. A purse that is usually sitting at her feet when she makes these calls. Today for instance. 

We have our phones set to send the calls to voice messages. On bad days we block them completely. For our own sanity. 

As long as she has a phone and can remember how to operate it she is going to call us many times a day. I think it's a form of Alz "shadowing." I've seen other family members with Alz subject their children to dozens of calls every day. A distressing habit that sometimes goes on for years. Trying to reason with them never works. They'll call whether they're in AL or memory care. Nothing stops the calls until the day comes when they can't remember how to use the phone. 

Don't feel guilty about ignoring or blocking the calls. It's what you have to do to keep your sanity. And if your mom is like mine, at the end of the day she's not even going to remember that she's made all those calls or that you blocked them. 

tdnp

Sorry about your situation.  We do not get the calls, but Mom does live with us and we are working from home, so she comes in several times a day with the same questions or "just to check on us"

Although not a solution to you current problem, if she starts calling other people ( my mother was calling the 800 numbers on TV to get her insurance changed) there are phones out there that limit who they can call and who can call them.  We settled on the RAZ Memory phone.  Although not perfect, it works for taking care of the calls and her calling others. (I am not a salesman just telling what worked for us)

It has a screen of up to 24 (I think) people that she can call, just the picture and name, no numbers.  Those people are all that can call her, unless you place numbers on a whitelist on the web admin page. 

We also added the functionality for the 911 calls to be “intercepted” and sent to a call center where they notify 3 people before\as they are coordinating and confirming that emergency aid is needed. 

The phone does lack some functionality that I would like to see but again, it solved our issue with her falling for predatory calls and her calling and changing insurance.  She is always asking “What day is it?” and there is no calendar.

Maybe try sending the calls to voice mail and checking them when you can to make sure all is OK.

Good luck, Keep your head up.  Hopefully this stage will pass soon.

Wehrlybird

Check out TeleCalm phone service. You can set up the phone so that your mom is only able to call you a couple of times per day. You can also program the phone to only accept calls from pre-approved numbers to protect her from scammers, telemarketer, etc. Hope that helps a little bit.