How it's going with DH back home

LadyTexan

My decision to bring DH home from the psych hospital was an extremely difficult one. One thing I remind myself of, is how dynamic and unpredictable this disease and its demands are. There will likely be a time in the future when DH is better served in a nursing home. 

The memory care options in our community are all private pay. I will add that they are very plush. The nursing facilities that have Medicaid beds are not plush. Of the 3 I toured, one looks noticeably better than the others. The difference is the staff and the interaction with the guests/patients. The patients are more engaged.

DH has been home from the psych hospital 13 days now. Here's how it is going:

I enjoyed having a companion caregiver coming in for 2 hours yesterday. DH was accepting of her. Next week I will bump the companion care up to 4 hours. Additionally, the post discharge Home Healthcare is sending a nurse once per week, plus a physical therapist and an occupational therapist. This is probably more helpful to me than DH as I am learning more about cueing. When the post discharge Home Healthcare ends, I will likely add another day of companion care.

This morning I shifted my pattern with DH to be more directive. Instead of would you like oatmeal for breakfast? I said I’m fixing you oatmeal for breakfast. Instead of do you want to wash your hands? I said come with me. Once in the bathroom, I talked him through handwashing while we washed hands together.

I started watching more Teepa Snow videos. They are helpful.

Off topic: I relax by spending time on my back patio watching the birds. It USUALLY helps me recharge. Except for yesterday when I spotted a coral snake. I remembered the rhyme, red touches yellow, kill a fellow, and gave the snake a wide berth. It slithered away. It was only 12 - 18 inches. I hope it is the only one. I will say I had the heebie jeebies for several hours after that encounter.

Even with the snake spotting, I am grateful for the wildlife in my backyard and the peace it brings me. I am grateful for our health care team and my support network. I am grateful for my dog, loyally laying by myside as I write this. I am grateful for all of you on this forum. I am grateful for DH. My love for him has deepened and evolved.

Ed1937

Thanks for the update. I was wondering how it was going for you. It really is good to know that things are going pretty well. BTW, we're grateful for you too. You bring a lot here.

Beachfan

LadyTexan wrote:

This morning I shifted my pattern with DH to be more directive. Instead of would you like oatmeal for breakfast? I said I’m fixing you oatmeal for breakfast. Instead of do you want to wash your hands? I said come with me. Once in the bathroom, I talked him through handwashing while we washed hands together.

Lady Texan,

Glad to hear that your homecoming experience is going as well as can be expected.  I hope it continues.  Our MC facilities here (PA) are also all self pay and run about 5 to 7K per month.  We are fortunate in that we have the ability to self pay and would not qualify for Medicaid for assistance, but I have investigated them, "just in case".  

I  wanted to comment on your directive approach.  My DH is so compromised that he can't really make or express choices; hasn't been able to for a long, long time.  I don't even announce what I am preparing.  I fix a plate/bowl, sit him down, hand him a utensil and might say, "Here's chicken, green beans and noodles."  I take him by the hand and lead him outside, to the bathroom, to bed, to the sofa; no questions, no invitations, just announcements.  It seems to work here; no arguments!!!  Good luck to you; I'm thinking of you and hoping for the best! 

Lorita

Hi Lady Texan,

 So glad things are going as well as they are since you brought your husband home.  I think we all learn better ways of doing things as we go along - things that work for us and our loved one.  Sounds like you're happy with your decision and I'm so glad for both of you.

 Nice that you can sit outside and watch the wildlife.  I've never seen a coral snake but I've always heard if you see one snake, there's another closeby - so be careful.  Here we have water moccasins which are also poisonous - and they're big!

 Thanks for the update - hope things continue to work well.

Jo C.

So very happy for you to hear that things have been working out well.   We all learn new techniques as we go along, you are doing a great job with all that you have on your plate. It is wonderful that you have help coming in, this will be a positive for both you and your DH.

 Lovely thought, minus the snake, that you are able to get some quiet respite time on your patio enjoying nature and some quiet moments.

 Let us know how it is going,

 J.

M1

I too have been thinking of you and am glad for the update.  We don't have coral snakes thank goodness.  Copperheads and rattlers, yes.....but no close encounters.  Occasionally I'll find a chicken snake near the henhouse but just shoo them off.

Last Dance

 Lady Texan,                                                                                                                            Thank you for the update. I think about you every day and wonder how both of you are doing. I think we all come to a time when its easier for us, and for love ones to just take charge in a gentle way. Our love ones become like little kids and need us to make decisions for them. It relives them of a lot of stress and at the same time it relives us of a lot of stress. I am happy to hear that you have a place to unwind and distress, it really helps a lot. It’s too bad about the snake spotting but on the bright side snakes eat mice and other rodents. However I am with you even little garden snakes give me the hebee jeebes. Remember its one day at a time and some days its one hour at a time God’s Blessings to you both. Richard

  

caberr

You are doing amazing!  Glad for the update.

jfkoc

YEA!

Lynne D

Thank you for the update, and for being a shining example of a thoughtful caregiver. Sharing your process helps us all.

As well, I am initiating caregivers into our home. PT/OT should start soon, and an unlicensed caregiver is coming today to just be around and get my husband familiar with her. We, as well, are in a rural area (only about 500 in our community, which is spread across a lot of ranches and acres). I had to threaten our insurance carrier to take my complaint to the governor (we are former state employees) to get them to arrange home health in our area as promised by the health plan's master plan document. It takes a toll when you have to engage in such battles in addition to caregiving.

I appreciate your sharing how eliminating choices helps both of you. I began to intuitively do that, and at this stage, it works. I don't ask, I don't tell, I just present the (food, soap and water...fill in the blank). 

We had a snake IN our house once years ago. It's an old house. My husband shot it; yes, inside the house. He knew there were two choices: produce a snake body, or burn down the house.

Keep up the fantastic work and thanks again for sharing.

Mint

Lady Texan glad you guys are doing ok.  Glad you have found joy on your back patio, enjoy my back porch too.

amicrazytoo

So glad to see an update, I've had you on my mind. I too enjoy the outdoors, the wildlife bring me comfort, although I think a snake would have given me the heebie jeebies too!

David J

Glad to hear how well things are going, LT. I know how difficult the decision was, and You made it with your husband’s best interest at heart. My backyard is my sanctuary also, but the snakes I’ve seen most are garter snakes. One black snake. Both are helpful in controlling unwanted pests.

Doityourselfer

It's good to hear things are going along pretty well and you're getting a chance to relax.

Jeff86

Great update—we are all glad to hear that the transition back to home seems to be going well.  

The pivot to gentle directing is awesome.  For quite a while now, my DW has not been able to make choices, whether it’s what to wear or a menu item at a restaurant, so I have found it easier to guide her by making a selection and telling her what it is.  Gives her a chance to change it, but she never does.  

My go-to Zen spot is our front porch, the whole length of the house, which doesn’t face the street but rather the Hudson River.  From our hill, I watch the red-tailed hawks make, as they say in ‘Oklahoma!’, lazy circles in the sky.  Or the late afternoon thunderstorms roll in, on a muggy summer day.

Whatever gets us through the day!  Stay strong.  You are doing an amazing job.

Joe C.

LT, Great news that you have a caregiver and others coming in to help. My suggestion is once DH is comfortable with the caregiver is to get out of the house and do something you enjoy, that’s what recharges my batteries. You remain in my prayers.

harshedbuzz

Thank you for sharing the update.

I am so pleased things are going so well and that your DH responding well to your new approach to his care. 

I'm sorry about the snake. We once had a breeding ball in a cherry laurel near the front door. So creepy.

HB

LadyTexan

harshedbuzz wrote:

I'm sorry about the snake. We once had a breeding ball in a cherry laurel near the front door. So creepy.

HB

Lady Texan response:

Yikes! A breeding ball would have been more than I could handle. That's something else to be grateful for: I am grateful that I did NOT see a breeding ball! I am counting my blessings.

abc123

Dear LT, thank you for the update! You & DH are always on my heart!

I have started using the directive method with my Mom. I find it causes her much less stress. Asking her to make the smallest decision (which she can no longer do) causes her to be stressed and agitated. 

I also enjoy the wildlife in my yard! Birds are everywhere and I love them. I attract blue jays by putting out peanuts. After they eat the come back to splash around in the homemade bird bath!

I’m pulling for you! Hang in there!