Spouse's Anger

Talex

I'm dealing with my dad who is in a MC facility and has issues of his own but also with my mom who has 63+ years of anger toward my dad from various things in their marriage and living on her own for the first time, that is preventing her from going to visit him or talk to him on the phone. I've tried to give her space but it's been 4 months and I'm starting to worry about her and my dad.

My dad thinks she doesn't love him because she won't visit or talk to him much. We try and reassure him but he is so much better when he sees her in person. My mom thinks my dad is "pulling his old stunts" to make her feel guilty and do want ever he wants and he never loved her.

Has anyone had any experience with this type of thing? I started looking for a therapist to see my dad but we have tried to get my mom to see someone for the past 35 years to deal with her anger and she won't. Any suggestions for my situation?

M1

Tough one.  I know you want to help, but you probably can't.  Hard to let go of, though, because you care for both of them.  If your father is the one with dementia, I can't imagine that therapy would help him.  There may be some mercy in forgetting, for him.

I was in a marriage for years in which I tried to get the other person to get help, but you really can't do it for someone else.  Ditto with your parents.  Or your kids, for that matter.  I have one who has sought out help, and one who never will.

Jenflex

Hi Talex, welcome.  That sounds excruciating for all concerned.  So sorry it is happening to your family. 

The only thing I can think of, is would you be able to tell your dad a "fiblet," that your mom just isn't able to be there that day? I don't know of any real way that you are able to, from where you sit, actually *fix* this one, but you may be able to reassure your dad that he is loved. 

Wish I felt like I had more help to offer. I'm glad you posted.

harshedbuzz

Talex-

That's got to be heart-wrenching for you. That said, it's generally best to stay out of other people's marriages.

A couple of things come to mind-

There is a possibility that your mom is justified in her anger because of things that have transpired in the past of which your are unaware. My father was not a faithful husband and when he developed mixed dementia (one of which came from alcohol abuse) which threatened to impoverish her, she was more than a little salty. She has since filled me in on some of the more unsavory details which have just left me wanting to bleach my brain.

It could be your mom is having a bit of a cognitive shift of her own and this behavior is caused by that. Believing a PWD is "up to his old tricks" is not rational thought.

The other thing is that perhaps he is being manipulative. My father and sister were both challenging and manipulative people by nature. Both of them maintained this trait well into the last stages of their dementia. I would say dad was "dad"- stirring the pot- until about 4 weeks before he died. 

I wouldn't waste time on therapy for dad. If he's impaired enough for MC, he's past a point where talk therapy will be effective. 

This short read was helpful for getting my mom to move past anger and into empathy.

12 pt Understanding the Dementia Experience (dementiacarestrategies.com)

HB

Quilting brings calm

Not sure you can help much.  

In terms of your dad: tell him that Mom is still settling in to the new routine. That  she couldn’t come today, is having phone  issues, is still afraid of covid, etc. 

In terms of your mom:

Does she still read well?  There’s a 12 page pdf that several threads here mention ‘Understanding the dementia experience’. Maybe print that out for her, mention it once and leave it for her to look at in her own time. Same thing with a book called ‘The 36 hour day’. 

If she is computer literate, help her navigate this site. She can peruse threads on her own time and get some perspective 

Is there a possibility that your mom has some mild cognitive impairment herself? Maybe she is just not capable of understanding dementia anymore. 

If you go to the spouse forums, you will see all sorts of couples situations. Many spouses are frustrated and grieving the loss of their own life experiences due to their partners illness.  Many are so stressed out by the time their spouse goes into a facility, they shut down for a while.  

Cynbar

I agree with the other posters that you should stay out of this. It's impossible to know what goes in between 2 people in a marriage. Your mother may have very good reasons for staying away --- but whether she does or not, it's her decision.  Try to soothe your dad as best you can, and don't hesitate to use fiblets. If he is in memory care, he may well be satisfied by something like "She'll come tomorrow" or similar. But I think it would be wrong to push your mother too hard to visit. It's a personal decision.

LarryFeltonJ

This is a rough one.  During my last stint as a caregiver (I've been through this a couple of times in the past) a close family member totally disengaged from the person being cared for, and I wound up picking up all the slack when the LO declined and died.

Dysfunctions in relationships that began before the onset don't necessarily go away after the disease progresses.  I wish they did, but they don't.

Therapy, as you mentioned, is the best thing, but you can't force someone into it.

Stuck in the middle

Sounds to me like your parents are in touch with their feelings.  Your mother doesn't much like your father, and he knows it.  

Let it go.  No one but your parents can fix this, and it is probably 35 years too late.