Actively dying(1)

my3sons2.0

I'm not sure what I'm asking here because watching someone die is new to me. I've had other loved ones on hospice but I was not their 24/7 caregiver. Are there signs that are universal as far as where a person is on the actively dying timeline? My mom has been on hospice since Dec. She has been been bedridden (non-ambulatory) for several weeks. I've sort of lost track. The priest has been here to give the last rites three times now as hospice was sure her time was down to hours. I've called family too many times to come and see mom before she passes as it seemed imminent. Yet here we are. Is there anything else I can do to help my mom pass peacefully. She is a skeleton at this point covered with skin. She rarely opens her eyes or responds to stimuli. I don't want to lose my mom but her suffering has gone on long enough. I don't have the heart to withhold food and water. So i suppose the few spoonfuls she gets every day is what is sustaining her? She gets haldol regularly thru the day. We have morphine but I don't give it to her regularly because she doesn't appear to be in pain. For the most part she is resting comfortably. She doesn't like to be turned or changed so she gets morphine before her bed baths. I don't like the effect morphine has on her. I don't like the way she looks when she has taken morphine. She already looks dead. If that makes sense. Maybe I just have to get over that and push the morphine to make the end come sooner? If anyone has anything to say about helping her pass or how to know how long this takes I would appreciate it. Or maybe just a little encouragement as I go thru this ordeal with her.

M1

I don't have a lot of suggestions, but plenty of encouragement.  It is indeed a hard process to watch.  If she appears comfortable, I wouldn't push the morphine; ditto for food and drink, frankly.  I certainly wouldn't wake her to feed her.  I think those of us who are still cognizant worry that our loved ones are going to feel hunger and thirst as we would, but I truly don't think that's the case, I think those signals are absent in active dying.  

You are good to be there for her.  "Providing safe passage" is one of my favorite phrases, used by someone wise in my life.  You are doing that for her.

RanchersWife

I’m sorry for the suffering you are seeing and experiencing. Please don’t do anything you may regret or that may cross the line into illegal. Please follow hospice instructions on dosing meds. 

Speak with the nurse and your priest. 

Don’t let grief make you act in a way that could haunt you the rest of your life and leave you never at peace with the care you gave your mother. As hard as this is now, peace will come if your conscience is clear and you know your mom had a natural death. 

Jenflex

I'm so sorry this is happening, my3sons.  It's just hard...there is no other way to put it.  We lost my father to small-cell lung cancer in February, and I spent the last week on vigil.  Very different from the lengthy decline process of dementia, but I can tell you it was excruciatingly long, and then it ended very quickly.

What we learned from hospice, was that they could tell us a range of time...months to weeks; weeks to days; days to hours, for example. Their estimates within these ranges were pretty spot-on...but I acknowledge that it's difficult not to know things more precisely.  It reminded me greatly of being 9 months pregnant...we knew it was happening soon, but you just can't know anything exactly.

Thank you for posting. I'm glad you are part of this community. I wish you and your family peace in your grief journey.

harshedbuzz

My aunt's final days were quite drawn out. Death would seem imminent, and then she'd rally and event start eating again. Rinse and repeat several times during her final six months.

One thing I have heard suggested was giving your LO "permission" to move on if they are ready. I've have known a few people who thanked their LO for being a good spouse or parent, letting them know they would be sad when the LO passed but be OK and that it's OK if they must leave.

HB

harshedbuzz

Also, if you are holding a vigil bedside, there are some folks who are unable to pass on with their nearest as a witness. My dear MIL held on until her son stepped out to get a shower and something to eat while his wife stayed with her. My dear friend sent her mother to get a snack while promising to stay with her dad until she got back. In both cases, the LO seemed to choose to pass without their closest person bedside.

Stuck in the middle

"Helping her pass" with a morphine overdose is called murder where I live.  You won't get away with calling it an accident after posting about it here, either.  I wouldn't do it.

I am so sorry you are having to go through this.

Cynbar

In addition to caring for her physically, you need to check off all her boxes emotionally. Do this even if she seems minimally responsive, or has dementia ---- hearing and feelings are there to the end. As mentioned above, it's important to give her permission to go. Sit with her quietly and talk to her, tell her everything in your heart, tell her she has taught you well and you will be ok. If there are any people close to her she may want to hear from, get them on the phone if they can't stop by. Prep them in advance to keep it short, just say good-bye and that they love her. She has already had last rites so that piece is taken care of. Finally, reassure her if there is anything you think she might be worried about. An example might be a family member who is having trouble, or relatives who don't get along, or what will happen to her pets or her keepsakes or her house. If you can think of any possibilities, address it directly with her, say something like "We'll always keep an eye on your grandson Joey with the drug problem" or "Fluffy will have a home with us." Again, do this even if you think she can't respond. You'd be amazed how often people are free to finally pass once all their boxes are checked off.

abc123

Midwife For Souls, Spiritual Care For The Dying by Kathy Kalina. The author is a hospice nurse. This is a short book, an easy read. It was a tremendous blessing to me. You and your mom are in my prayers. I hope you find peace & comfort.