Just my mom and me.

Munnbunn76

I'm 45, female, and I have been talking care of my mom, 78, has dementia. I see everyone has things like stage this or that. I have no idea what stage she is. I had to put her in a foster care place while I was searching for a place to live. Long story but I will sum it up. I moved back to Michigan from California when my aunt said she was getting irritated with my mom. She doesn't believe she forgets things and she thinks she is faking. Makes me crazy. So I came to get my mom. I was staying with a coworker and her husband. She let me stay. Got me to work everything in order for me to quickly get my place and car. Told my aunt I needed about 5 weeks and we planned on her being with me ASAP. Well 2 days later my aunt had a heart attack and her nosey friend took it upon herself to tell my mom it was her fault for stressing my aunt and my mom gave this person 100 bucks and low and behold my mom shows up at my job. So. Instantly I was homeless. No way to stay with the people I was with my mom. I took a couple hours from work, got a motel and the dreaded year of 7 days a week working, 12 hours a day, to pay for a motel nightmare started. I finally had no option I had to put her in foster care for adults. I got a bleeding ulcer and I couldn't pay for the motel. So, 2 years , because then COVID struck, and I'm a waitress, ice struggled living from motel to car, unbelievable, told by someone at adult protective services that I picked the wrong place to be homeless. Finally got an apartment. It's outrageously expensive but was the only thing I could get at the time. Because of the foster care place, my mom ends up with a payee. Now I'm stuck paying for this apartment, the payee promised me that my mom's social security would be able to help with the bills. Failed to tell me that only would be if the lease was in my mom's name. This has all been a nightmare. Worst part, no one is on my mom's side, or mine. They seem to be trying to do anything to get my mom away from me, so much so that they offered to put her in her own apartment (seriously???)  When I said it was a dangerous idea, she said they would have safety measures to prevent afire or something dangerous. I don't know if it's the pathetic 750 a month my mom was getting they are after, I mean it's not like she gets some huge amount of money. Why wouldn't these people be for keeping us together? My mom only wants me. I'm an only child. It's always been us, my kids. We have no other family. My kids are grown and moved out. I don't want to put my mom in a home unless and until it's necessary. It's definitely not necessarily right now. Isn't there anyone out there who can help me with getting rid of this payee, I want my mom to get her own money. I don't want it. If she could help a little with rent, great. But they were taking almost everything. She didn't even own a bra when I got her. She couldn't afford it. This all seems centered on taking her money and giving her crappy meals on wheels and leaving her alone to die. Even if they keep all her money, I'll never give my mom away. Someone who has actually read this. Thank you. And can anyone point me in the right direction. Please. I don't know what to do or where to turn. Thank you again. 

Munnbunn76

Wanted to add, I might be 45 but I always depended on my mom. She didn't spoil me with material things but I definitely was emotionally spoiled. That woman still loves me more than life. And I have nothing I fear in my life other than something happening to one of my grown kids, than my mom dying. I'm so afraid. I've only ever lost my grandparents. Have never, thankfully, had to deal with this in my life. I honestly don't know how I am going to deal with this, when it comes. I'm still learning how to be an adult, because of the fact that my mom never let me fall on my face. If you know what I mean. I worked my whole life, but if an emergency happened and I was going to be evicted or something like that, my mom would be there to make sure I didn't have that happen. So now that I'm the one who has to figure it out, I don't have the skills to do so. I'm not complaining, I'm just trying to explain why I'm 45 and clueless about the things normal people might easily be able to navigate.

Iris L.

Welcome, Munnbunn.  You have come to the right place for help.  The members here are knowledgeable in ALL areas of life and most of all, are willing to share their experiences and help those who need help.  I can identify with your experience.  I was a mid-level professional in my career, but naive in many adult life matters because I was somewhat sheltered growing up.  Anyway, I learned about adulthood.  Even though a lot of the learning was in my older years.  It's never too late.

I cannot address your current predicament but many members will have something to tell you.  Also be aware that the Alzheimer's Association offers the services of a Care Consultant, who is a social worker skilled in caregiving for families affected by dementia.  They can direct you to local resources, as well as give advice.  The consultations are free and are available 24 hours a day at the Helpline.  The number is (800) 272-3900.

Best wishes to you and your mom!

Iris L.