Intervention

RowenaSilver

I came here about 2 1/2 months ago wondering if spouse had some sort of dementia. Now convinced. I've chats with drs, he won't. He's still working part time but covers mistakes. He acknowledges memory loss but IMO he covers it up a lot.

One incident recently when I walked into a room where he was and he didn't recognize me. Huge blanks in our shared history. 

Recently made the comment that he's broke and could not pay for needed household repairs. He was scrolling through CC charges last night (he's become very secretive about finances. I have no access) and I saw several 'charity' donations obviously scams. He paid these via social media and paypal. He's on the phone nonstop.  

I've suspected financial carelessness. I should stress this WAS not how he used to be. 

I feel overwhelmed. I think it's time for intervention. I need to discuss finances before this gets worse and honestly take them away but I don't want to freak him out or antagonize him. The only reason I saw the charity scams last night was because he didn't understand a charge. 

Basically, HELP. Is there a good way or better way to approach this? I'm afraid I saw the tip of the iceberg. What can I do? 

Thank you. 

French

In our case, we had separate accounts but I knew he was spending a lot of money ordering useless things on Amazon. Once he needed help on his computer , I decided to upload all his passwords. It was a good idea. I discovered he was loosing a lot of money in tricks on the internet. I decided to ask the bank to cancel his credit card so that the hemorrhage stopped.

I showed him what happen and he was shocked when I did the addition. We agreed that he would use the new credit card on the internet. Several times I stopped him just on time, but he didn’t. He also couldn’t use the new card in shops because he was unable to remember the new passcode. 

It was a good idea also to have all his passwords because I discovered other things poorly managed. 

I think I save him from bankruptcy 

So yes, you should intervene. How, perhaps proposing some help, or telling you need to see something about the accounts. Find an alibi.

M1

Welcome to the forum Rowena.  If you don't have financial access, you need to get it quickly; there are many stories here of people losing lots of money before they could put a stop to their loved one's doings.  My partner tries to give away thousands of dollars to animal charities.

  Do you by any chance have power of attorney?  If not, consult a certified elder law attorney (CELA) right away, they can help you assess what you will need to do.  Spousal rights vary by state, too, so you may want to look up whether yours is a community property state or not.  Others will respond, but I would spend the holiday weekend looking for CELA's near you.  Rates can vary, but many will do a consultation free and then quote you fees based on what needs doing.

harshedbuzz

RowenaSilver-

My father day-traded away $350K while my mother dithered about having him evaluated. You don't get a do-over around that money- it's gone. 

You need to take steps asap to take charge of keeping the both of you safe. That mean legal paperwork that allows you to act for him. DPOAs, health care directives, etc. 

That means a complete medical evaluation. My dad had 2 kinds of dementia; one was eminently treatable but when undiagnosed and untreated because my mother didn't want to accept that the man she built a life with had had a cognitive shift. 

You need to take a hard look at work and whether that makes sense. If he's driving, that likely needed to stop yesterday. If he gets into an accident you could lose a lot more than he's sending to scammers. 

And you need to take steps to shut down the spending. If you can, it might make sense to go into his social media accounts and change the password, slip his electronics into airplane mode or disappear his phone. If he's using a tablet or laptop, you can change the wifi password. 

An intervention would require him to have reasoning abilities that are some of the first skills to disappear in dementia. It will only serve to antagonize him and make taking the necessary steps more difficult. 

It's very like he will become livid when you step in to handle finances, but it still must be done.

HB

Quilting brings calm

While you are doing everything advised by others here do this too: 

Get a checking account in your name only.  Whatever income you are personally getting( work, social security, etc), change your direct deposit to put it in this new account.  Arrange for things that you are responsible for paying( or that are vital for keep)  to come out of this new account ( health and car insurance premiums, etc).  Get a small third account that you can tie his  PayPal or a debit card to for  him to use for purchases , so that when it’s empty, he can’t purchase items(this may not be possible in his state of mind- on to the paragraph below). 

If you get your account at your  current bank, you can get your own online banking sign on giving you access to both the joint and  your account.  When his income comes in, you can transfer the amount you need to pay the automated bills you assigned to your account. That way  you can keep the bills paid and he can’t spend what is not there. 

RowenaSilver

Thanks to all. We have separate accounts so that part is done. He has all passwords on dashlane and accesses CC through fingerprint touch on phone. I monitor credit card balances through credit karma to make sure they don't get out of control. Have been doing that for a couple years. 

I can get into accounts on computer but he will be alerted via phone so in some ways I'm at an impasse where action will inevitably be confrontational. Proposing help might work. I would LOVE to just change all the passwords so he doesn't have access to anything financial but I don't see that happening even if I hijacked them. He'd just hijack them back. 

I took over all the insurance stuff a while ago and discovered we were overpaying for stuff we didn't have.  Last night found 2 amazon subscriptions he didn't even know he had. Yes a ton of animal charities. Most bogus, some highly suspect. 

Don't think he will be working much longer due to his memory and temper. I got the health care directives done last year as I could see this coming. 

I will get legal advice. 

DH was shocked last night when he saw some of the charges. And I stress he never used to be this way. Getting him to Drs for evaluation, he's resistant and that's just for other stuff not related to THIS. 

Thank you, thank you, all. I feel very alone. I'm a strong person but I feel overwhelmed and out of my depth.

Cynbar

Contact his doctor's office and tell them all your concerns, including the financial which reflects impaired judgment. Trouble managing finances is often one of the first signs of dementia. Send a letter or email to the doctor so there is a written record --- the doctor may not be able to talk to you due to HIPPA laws, but they can take information in. See if the office will set up an appointment and call to tell your husband when it is, then you can tell him it's required to keep his insurance active or some other appropriate fiblet. You are going to need a diagnosis as support when you move to take over the finances, which you must do before it is too late. Good luck.

French

 The banker and I made up a story about a virus that hacked into his iPad and accessed his card. We canceled the card. I offered to help him make the assessment of the hacking so that the bank could make the insurance work. The story revealed to be partly true. There were indeed fraudulent maneuvers and we recovered about 1/5 of the losses. However it was to late to send back all what he has bought on Amazon, several times, but I could cancel the different suscriptions he had.

You could try something like that.

From this moment (2 years ago) he never accessed again to his account and I managed it. He gave me the POA just after the diagnosis. he was already stage 4 and from what I discovered, I think he was unable to manage any finances for more than two years. I think he didn’t check his account. When I began to help him I noticed he was lost on the bank internet site.

He was paying his sons fees several times in the same month (they received 2 or 3 times their money and didn’t tell it), one of his sons who was still at home was playing to an online game, on his father credit card and the bill was 10% of his salary but he never saw it... for his job he traveled a lot and never asked to be reimbursed of taxi, hotel and other fees (I found a huge file with all the bills that he never treated).

You can try to help him first and quickly manage everything for him if you can.

The banker told me that my partner money has never been so well managed ! Certainly better than mine...

Iris L.

RowenaSilver wrote:

Don't think he will be working much longer due to his memory and temper. I got the health care directives done last year as I could see this coming. 

I feel very alone. I'm a strong person but I feel overwhelmed and out of my depth.

You are not alone.  You have all these wonderful members here to support you.  Stay in close contact.  Don't wait months.

If fired or otherwise let go, he will lose whatever employee benefits he might have.  Along with what else you have going on, this might be difficult.  But a good strategy is to take sick leave pending completion of the medical and neurological work-up.  This is because sick leave usually only requires a doctor's certification.  This will allow time to apply for Social Security disability or other programs that require a lot of medical documentation.  Discuss this with whomever you choose to advise you.  You need to know his employee benefits from HR.

Iris L.