Lost and alone

Khuts

this is my first experience with dementia and I am so exhausted and overwhelmed.  My DH has not had a formal diagnosis, can't get into neurologist until September but he has serious short term memory issues.  The memory loss is hard enough but the bouts of anger directed at me are horrible.  I don't know when is the time to seek placement in a home and how I will be able to do it.  I really don't want to be around him and feel like the classic abuse/remorse cycle.  He is only verbally abusive now but then he cries and says it will never happen again.  of course it does.  after the remorse he expects me to be the romantic, lover, DW that I was in the past and I don't want to be near him.  However the thought of putting him in a home fills me with guilt and shame.  We said we would never go to a home.  I don't know what to do and my children just want him removed.  Any advice please?

banpaeng

Sorry you had to be here but welcome aboard.  Had to do the namby pamby stuff before the rest.

Not sure if correct order but pretty darn* close.

1.  Go to your primary car provider or urgent care Tuesday and show them what you wrote.  Ask (tell) them you need help this week to get an appointment with Neuro.

2.  Today, look up a CERTIFIED Elder Care Lawyer.  Call them Tuesday also.  You can google that above term and find a directory of lawyers.  You will need to get your Legal house and papers in line NOW.  Time is ticking.

3.  No one should have to take abuse both verbal or physical.  Tell him you are tired of it and next time this happens he can tell he is sorry to the deputy.  Am I being hard, no.  You say verbal now, but do you have your plan for when it progresses

4.  After the above are completed the above, you will have your answer about placement.

Come back for advice as we are all on here for a reason as you and someone will have an answer for you.

We are here..

Buggsroo

Hi Khut,

The advice that Banpaeng gave you is right on.

I could have written what you wrote. My husband gets abusive at night, then promises me he won’t do it anymore. I keep telling myself it is the disease and dementia patients have lost their ability to empathize, they want something right away and god help you if they don’t get it. I liken it to the fact my husband is now a five year old boy, given to tantrums etc. 

As for the sex part, that ship has sailed. Don’t feel bad because you don’t want to be romantic, your husband is a different person now, you haven’t changed, he has. 

Good luck and welcome to our world.

Crushed

I posted this in another thread but I'll repeat it here

I have said this before I will say it again.

No one is "entitled" to a personal caretaker whom they can abuse and control.

   Even if the abuse and control are a product of the disease.

 We never believed in traditional "marriage vows" but the traditional formula always required you to "love honor and cherish"

I adored DW but even I had to say that if she acted in certain ways I would no longer be her caretaker. (note these never involved threats or abuse but failure to cooperate).

You should see a lawyer and a therapist  YESTERDAY 
Ive been on this road 11 years

 

storycrafter

Consult his GP or PCP (primary care) doctor without delay. There is certainly help in the meantime until your dh sees the neurologist. Our GP knew enough to give my husband immediate help with meds that gave us enough quality of life to make it until the specialist appointments. Don't wait. Get help right away. Good luck to you both.

Cynbar

Ditto to all the excellent advice above. I can't stress enough how important it is to get in touch with a certified elder law attorney as soon as possible. This person will help you get all the necessary legal paperwork in place --- will, medical and durable powers of attorney. But he/she will also help you figure out the financial side. Do you have the funds to pay privately for a home, at least for awhile? If not, you will need to apply for Medicaid ---- the CELA will assist with this process and also explain how much of your joint assets you can keep for yourself. No facility will consider an applicant without knowing how it will be paid for. Just be aware that not all facilities accept Medicaid ---- states differ but in my state of Massachusetts, memory care is private pay only.