DH Will Not Bathe or Shower - Update

ButterflyWings

Well, I almost don't know how to start this update post without writing a whole screenplay or movie script (which I don't know how to do ). But that's what yesterday's good news/bad news adventure feels like it requires. I am still replaying things in my mind from our latest wacky dementia experience. All's well that ends well, and writing it down helps me realize yes, all of that really did happen and yes we did get through it. It also helps me with the super important "what did we learn for "next time"?". Because there's always a next time, and it is often worse than Scene 1, Act 1. 

So here goes. 

After my initial SOS post from over a month ago, I had almost given up trying to actually get DH to bathe or shower. But, since finishing the last round of (different) antibiotics late last week, he was in better spirits and (occasionally) more cooperative. So yesterday I thought 'what the heck'...all he can say is No (again).  I ran a few inches of warm sudsy water as I periodically still do (despite having to drain it cold and unused, hours later after his refusal). Well, one thing led to another and before I knew it he had actually let me lead him into the bathroom, and halfway undress him before he decided he'd do the rest himself if I'd just GET OUT NOW! Well, I've heard that many times before, but this was further than we'd gotten for many weeks so...I decided to trust and try it. And seconds later, my ear to the door...Voila! sure enough, sounds of a little splashing, and it was clear that he was at least sitting in water for the first time in at least 6 weeks (!!!). Yes I did a little happy dance in the hallway!

Fast forwarding past the longest and boring details for now (like the part where I slipped back into the bathroom less than 5 minutes later (removed the locks a few months ago) and realized he'd let the water out already without really washing anything). And a few seconds later, all the belligerence returned and he gave me the what for, but good! In his birthday suit. Sitting in an empty bathtub refusing to get out as long as I was in the room. (I wasn't going anywhere with slippery tub, his shaky legs, and disorientation.) Told me he's 70 something degrees old and knows how to take a bath by himself, and that he was going to report me to my supervisor. The president of my organization and then I was going to be sorry. Demanded to know what was my name and who sent me...and more. I tried to help him get up and out and instead he lay back, stiffened up pulled back as hard as possible -- then stared straight through me).  Uh oh. So, I sat down and answered all his questions calmly and creatively

Unbelievably nuts. But after all these weeks of barely wiping hot spots, it was a BIG WIN!!! Though not without significant challenges in the 2+ hours he (at one point "we") sat in the bathtub after DH seriously would not (or could not?) get out. It was going on 3 hours, believe it or not. Then I remembered all the tips you all shared on my first post, and took the opportunity to fill the sink and rapid wash hair, back, arms, legs, underarms, sloshing water from a washcloth on the special parts since we were stuck in the bathroom anyway. All the while he gave me a piece of his mind (what a saying, right?) about where did I come from anyway and who told me I could do what I'm doing. lol. Did I go in other men's houses and try this *isht. Then I quickly dried him off as we kept talking to distract him.

I am SO thankful to everyone for all the wise advice shared here because it really comes in handy when you least expect it  Long story short, we spent a good couple of hours chatting (him low key fussing and refusing to let me help him get out of the now fully dry, non slippery bathtub). I gave him a couple of towels. He ignored them so I dried and lotioned all available parts while he alternated between cooperating/helping and stiffening up so I couldn't lift an arm or leg. It was so bizarre but necessary, and I can't envision an aide, female or male, getting through that successfully. Though I know he might react differently to them - could be more cooperative.  

Yes, I have to confess that since desperate times call for desperate measures at one point I got him to help/let me put his t-shirt on him in the dry tub since we weren't going anywhere fast. And when he sat upright for that, I actually got in behind him to stop him from laying back or slipping back. (Can't make this stuff up!!!) It had the effect of propping him up and eventually he decided if I'd move, he would get out. So, I trusted AD for the 2nd time in as many hours and did as he asked. I stepped out of the tub and into the hallway, and prayed he could get out by himself without falling. He did it. Anyway, my DH is cleaner than he has been in a LONG time, and I can see that grab bars and a no-slip bath chair or stool will be necessary if we try that again. At this rate though, it will be September before I get another chance. I definitely wouldn't try it on a workday. It took many hours and so much energy we were both exhausted. In addition to his refusal to get in the car on any kind of schedule, this would not be a realistic prep experience to get him off to an adult day program. So, I am back to hoping I can find a good home helper very soon.

Beachfan

WOW!  I am exhausted just reading this!  I have no advice, only admiration for your persistence, dedication and perseverance.  I would have thrown in the towel ( and soap, and washcloth, and shampoo, and lotion and whatever else) long ago.  Please indulge in a glass of wine, or a shot of liquor, or a hot fudge sundae, or whatever you prefer.  Hopefully, you’ll feel better; I know I  will.  Hang in there and, yes, write it all down.  You can’t make this stuff up.

Jeff86

What a hard-won victory!  You own this win—amazing perspicacity on your part.  Congrats!

Lorita

Good for you, Butterflywings!!   I bet he felt a heck of a lot better after his bath.  Charles always said he did.  I sometimes had trouble getting him into the shower - never tried a bath.  I even threatened to pick him up and put him in (couldn't have but sometimes the threat did work).  It's all trial and error, trial and error - and sometimes we win!!  You surely did.

M1

What a saga BW.  Made me laugh in parts, but I'm sure it wasn't funny at the time!!!

I think you're right about a shower chair might help.  Getting in and out of a tub is challenging under the best of circumstances.  Maybe if you're able to bring in a caregiver even a few hours a week, he might respond better to them than to you.  One can only hope and try, right?

David J

BW, what determination and patience. I couldn’t do it. But then again, we’re all doing a lot of things we never thought we could.  Savor your victory and try next time with a shower chair.

JoseyWales

I'm so impressed with how you stuck with him!  Thank you for sharing your well-written story. Like you mentioned, reading others' experiences here helps ME when I'm in a similar situation in the future.

Here's hoping another bath happens before September!

HSW

I am so thankful that I am only getting the look at the suggestion of a shower. DH wants my help, most of it is only guidance. I suppose eventually I will need to get in with him

Stuck in the middle

HSW wrote:

I suppose eventually I will need to get in with him

Things that were fun at twenty-one

Become a chore at seventy-four