Feeling tired and sad

youngestone

Hi. I've been a member of this forum for a long time. My mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's 8 years ago this month (even though we had noticed some changes a few years before that). I can't remember ever making a post of my own before today. My mother currently lives with myself and my husband and I am her guardian of the person as well as her caregiver. Her progression has made it very, very difficult to continue caring for her at our home. She will be transitioning on July 19th to a facility with residents who have Alzheimer's or other dementia related diagnoses. I have researched this facility thoroughly and it is highly rated. I was also pleased with what I saw and experienced when visiting there. I have a background in Marriage and Family therapy and have assisted clients in dealing with their own health crises as well as those of loved ones, but my training has not enabled me to help myself. An overwhelming sadness and anxiety has enveloped me that I can't seem to shake. I'm used to being the one to protect and care for my mom and now I will be trusting others to do that. This is one of the hardest things that I have ever done. I know that I am the only one who can come to terms with these feelings but I am hoping that it will help to share these feelings with others who will understand how difficult this journey can be. Thanks for listening.

storycrafter

It is a grief journey like none other. To keep some sanity for ourselves the healthiest thing to do is reach out to others who are familiar with this path. We cannot do it alone and don't have to do it alone, thank goodness. Of course the hardest work is done in our own heads, but it surely helps to have a hand to reach out to now and then.

I've been reading a while on here and need to go now, but others will be along to offer empathy and advice soon. I at least wanted to assure you, as difficult as they are, your feelings are normal, and you are not alone, you're in good company. It sounds like you have useful life experience to draw upon and you are doing the things you need to do.

Blessings, strength, comfort, and good wishes coming your way...

Stuck in the middle

I'm glad you have decided to join us.  What you are feeling is pretty normal considering the circumstances.  I hope chatting with us helps.  Antidepressants and talk therapy have helped me a lot too.

Sjodry

Youngstone,

I kept my mom in her independent living home with round-the-clock care (including me doing 12-14 hour shifts, back-to-back, every day) until her behaviors forced me to make a decision to move her to memory care. It is a terrible and gut-wrenching decision to feel forced into having to make.

The reality is that there are few memory care facilities that would care for our loved one in every way that we would ourselves (or hope that they would), no matter how much we research the facility. But what I have found is that with my frequent visitation and involvement (I visit my mom every day), I have set the expectations to the degree that I can, for her care. In this way, I can be assured that certain things that are very important to me (keeping her warm and clean), pain control, etc. are done (to my satisfaction, and my mom’s comfort).

As I have said in many of my posts, I have an Alexa Show 8 in her room. I cannot tell you how much comfort this brings to me. This video device allows me to “drop in” anytime (night or day) to check on her or share a video call (and monitor her care).

I routinely reinforce the caregivers and try to recognize their help. I have taken donuts, give Starbucks gift cards, write thank-you notes, etc. I genuinely appreciate their help. But I have noticed that this helps strengthen the caregiver relationship that they have with mom. There are certain caregivers that I know when I walk out that door, that they will do everything for her as I would (short of my loving “daughter” affection).

You will settle into a new normal and acceptance of this living situation. It will never feel totally right or the way we wish it could be, but your precious mom will be safe.

Good luck to you as you navigate through the difficult emotions of this journey. At your core, you know that you are doing what is necessary for her.

Take care.

Sandy

youngestone

Storycrafter,

It is nice to know that I am not alone. Thank you for taking the time to offer your support. It is very much appreciated. Blessings, strength, comfort, and good wishes to you as well!

youngestone

Stuck in the Middle,

Thank you for taking the time to reply. It is nice to know that I am not in this boat alone. I am glad to hear that you have found things that are helpful to you on this journey. Again, thank you.

youngestone

Sjodry,

Thank you for taking the time to reply to my post. I do plan on visiting often and being involved with her new community and her care. I think that it is great that you show your appreciation to those who care for your mother (I plan to do that as well). As you said, I will truly appreciate their help and hope that by doing so I will strengthen both my own, and my mom's relationship, with her caregivers. Thank you for your support. I truly appreciate it. 

King Boo

I can very clearly remember sitting in the parking lot the day I left my LO.  I didn't know whether to cry or throw up.

The care facility turned out to be excellent.  Not perfect - but very good.  When I could step back and view things a little more abstractly, they had 3 shifts of staff to do 24/7 care. My LO had caregivers who were good at engaging with him (mostly) and who didn't bat an eye at his often very, very bizzarre behaviors.  If he wanted to get up at 3 am and check all the air conditioners in the common areas on the wing and then have chocolate ice cream, he could.  Then they got him back to bed.

I was astounded at the many people, unknown to me, who came to sit with me as he lay dying.  He had formed a whole community of care around himself, had significant relationships, and even some enjoyment.  All without me there.

It shocked me to realize this whole time all this had gone on, I was so bogged down in responsibilities and sadness and anger.

But now, I realize it was a good thing and at that stage, they had given him his specific care needs very well.

And there is peace.

I wish the same for you.

Salsam

I am reading and posting and have not done this in awhile.  My dad died June 6, and I moved my dad and my mom to a small home care place that I found through a small hospice agency, after I had moved them to a larger MC facility. 

I did not have a lot of choices in MC facilities, and it was very hard on me to move them, and then to get calls that they were not adjusting. 

It is good to hear that other facilities are good experiences for people.  I think the personality of the LO also enters in. 

Dimentia is more than Dimentia patient #1, 2 , 3, and 4 and since they are our LO, we are the only ones that know their history, so it is so difficult.

However, I can say now it wasn't all bad at the first facility...I took them out and saw them often because I needed to...and I could also sleep at home.. 

I wrote on another response...there are 7 stages of Dimentia or 3 stages, etc....but for the caregiver there are only 2: 

Manageable and UNMANAGEABLE.  When we are sad and tired, it is time to do something differently, and then we adjust also.  

Marp

Salsam wrote:

"I wrote on another response...there are 7 stages of Dimentia or 3 stages, etc....but for the caregiver there are only 2: 

Manageable and UNMANAGEABLE.  When we are sad and tired, it is time to do something differently, and then we adjust also.  "

Very beautifully stated.