Lost it, feel terrible

glitterqueenscare

I lost it on my sweet Mom today.  The circumstance doesn't matter, its not her fault, she has advanced Alzheimers for goodness sake.  I lost it, yelled at her and lost patience with her.  I know I am exhausted, the constant shadowing and lack of break over the holiday weekend didn't help but there is no excuse.  I know I have been getting less patient with her and more wore out of the situation lately.  That is not her fault.  I feel terrible, she never, ever deserves to be treated like that, I pray I have the strength to never do it again.

Jerome Likes Pie

It is a terrible feeling.  I did it also a couple weeks ago and felt so horrible.   Tell her you love her tomorrow.  That she means the world to you.  That she is your mentor, your hero.  Apologize to her even if she doesn't remember what you did.  Give her some positive energy, and give her something that you would be happy and proud to receive yourself.  PWD seem to retain feelings better than facts, etc.

Sjodry

Glitterqueenscare,

I have done it also..at least a few times over this past 3 1/2 years. I understand how bad you feel as I felt the same guilt. But those outbursts on my part served to send me a few red flags. At the time that they happened.. I had been working in the rotation of 24hr care for my mom. Of course in an effort to save money, I was doing daily (back-to-back) shifts of 12-14 hour days with my mom. 

My outbursts were the equivalent of hitting my emotional wall. I realized (just like you) that I was the adult in the situation and my mom did not have the capacity to change, back off or meet me halfway. Those outbursts and feelings of frustration remind us that we are human and we can only juggle our plate of stress so long before something spills!

When I had my outbursts it made me recognize that I was not serving mom’s best interest by caregiving for her beyond my point of exhaustion. I changed the schedule of caregiving to reduce the number of hours I was putting in which helped greatly. I wanted mom to have the best of me, and by caring more for myself, was able to give her “rested Sandy” instead of “stressed, exhausted and on the ledge” Sandy. 

Even if one is not putting in the long hours that I was, the stress alone in caregiving is mentally and physically exhausting no matter the time we are engaged in it. The good news is that our moms will not remember that their normally loving daughters (or whomever) lost it a few times or acted snippy and snarly. Hug your mom and tell how much you love her and resolve to take care of yourself!

Even these highly charged emotional moments or outbursts (no matter who has them) are part of this journey! 

One of my favorite quotes is: “Sometimes you win, sometimes you learn!”

Hang in there..today’s a new day!

Sandy

ClaraMay

I too lost it with my DH. We just got the diagnosis a few weeks ago. Maybe this is part of my grieving process? And the long weekend with no time to myself probably didn’t help. It was good to read your posts and know that I am not alone. 

Jenflex

Losing it is a human response to inhuman levels of pressure.  What you're doing now is even healthier: you're learning from it and looking for ways to do better.

This community has been a source of many strategies I have found useful to handle future situations more positively, along with being a great space just to be heard and validated. Which is no small thing on this journey.

The Alzheimer's Helpline is a good 24/7 resource at 1.800.272.3900.

Take care, and wishing you strength and peace.

MMReynolds

Thank you to everyone for sharing their stories. I too have lost it with my mom many times. As of today my parents are getting rid of their full time caretaker that I hired. I know they need help but because of the disease they can't see it. I am beyond myself. I am just waiting for the next disaster to happen. What do you do or say?

Yorklady53

I have done the same too many times with my DH. I get so angry with, and ashamed of myself because it totally isn’t his fault. I don’t know why I can’t get it through my thick skull that his brain is broken and he can’t help it. 

I do have a higher than normal amount of stress trying to pack up our beautiful home of 24 years and getting our new home renovated with  COVID delays one after the other plus four business entities that I have to take care of each month but in my eyes it’s no excuse. I pray each night and every morning to be filled with patience and gratitude but darn near every day I fall short.

I totally understand how you feel, all of us do, but I also know that it hurts your heart that it happened. All I can say is that you are doing the best that you can. Hugs to you and give yourself some grace because this is the hardest job you’ll ever have to do.

Amymv

We are all human and make mistakes. It's no wonder you lost it and you need to forgive yourself.  I hope you can take some time to do something you enjoy, even if it's for 30 minutes. I agree with the others.  You are self aware and that's a good thing!

I used to lose it with my mom and then feel very guilty.  Your mother knows of our love for her and tomorrow is a new day . Hang in there and know you are not alone!!

The4thOne

glitterqueenscare ,

As you can see, many of us have been there, and understand your feelings about it.  No matter how far this disease has taken them from us, they are still 'Mom' and 'Dad, and we were not raised to EVER speak to them like that!  Have your minute, but let it be just a minute.  My response has usually been with Jerome Likes Pie, to love on her a little more the next day.  The real is that is more for you because the reality is she may not even remember the moment.  I have to admit, sometimes in my impatient moments, I was so glad my mother couldn't remember the next day that I snapped at her or was short yesterday.  It's OK, remember, there are no protocols on how we are supposed to handle this disease.   We share here, Thank God, but there is no play by play book.  

AWM1991

Oh yes my heart goes out to you I’ve been there. Especially a few months ago towards the end of my pregnancy and in the early days postpartum. As much as it feels terrible once it happens and you’ve realized what you’ve done, you have to give yourself grace. You’re only human. As humans we lose our tempers, yell when we shouldn’t, get angry at people who can’t help it, etc. You’re not broken you’re just human.

Cobalt

can't tell you how often I or his brother has lost it with my EO Alzheimer's son.  It is definitely different because he is becoming much "younger" but like he was as a young guy.  So when we end up yelling at him it is NOT like you are yelling at your parent.  I hope you all see that it feels quite different as to the family member's situation.  So, the brothers will fight as brothers always did when young, and when mom here yells, it is just as if he was still my young son.

Doesn't excuse it at all and we try very hard to not let our hot buttons get pushed.  If it happens fortunately I can immediately step in and give his caregiver brother a break because this is my home and I'm here mostly 24/7 even when caregivers are here.

Another thing we notice is that "later" my son doesn't recall at all this happening. He starts fresh and so do we.  That is a big blessing.

Michael Ellenbogen

The good news is you realized it and hopefully you can make it up. I know it is not easy as I feel sorry for my own wife. This disease sucks on what it does to us to our mind.

StepKlet

Sometimes I try so hard not to react in anger that I come off as cold, patronizing and phony and I wonder if that's any better than your losing it. I know it's not okay, but what you did was 100% honest and forgivable.

Marp

Stepklep

I kind of feel the same way sometimes.  Better to be a little honest without getting over the top.
I am the sole caregiver for my younger sister (she's divorced and her kids won't talk to her).  Sisters fight and disagree, etc.  She knows I'm her sister and has the memories of our relationship as sisters, a relationship that occasionally involved spats.   I think it would be weird for both of us, but, especially for her, if I was all smiles and sunshine 24/7.  

I'm not talking about hours of screaming and throwing things at each other; I'm talking about some occasional frustration at something the other said or did.  That occasional short spat makes the situation more normal for both of us.

Marp

Clara May, your outburst could very well have been part of your grieving process.  You just found out you are losing the love of your life to a horrible disease.  That could very well be what triggered your shortness.

Marp

I hear you.  It's so hard sometimes.  You mean well, but you're human.

I don't know about you, but the whole situation is more difficult because people, who aren't caregivers, often judge those of us who are when we lose it.  They think we're supposed to be all smiles and sunshine 24/7 and that's just not realistic. 

As so many have already mentioned, we're fortunate in that our LO usually doesn't remember the incident even though everyone else does. 

Marp

Don't beat yourself up too badly.  You have a lot of plates spinning in the air and you are human.  Take a breath and start over tomorrow, or in an hour...your DH may forget by then and you can reconcile with him.

Yorklady53 wrote:

I have done the same too many times with my DH. I get so angry with, and ashamed of myself because it totally isn’t his fault. I don’t know why I can’t get it through my thick skull that his brain is broken and he can’t help it. 

I do have a higher than normal amount of stress trying to pack up our beautiful home of 24 years and getting our new home renovated with  COVID delays one after the other plus four business entities that I have to take care of each month but in my eyes it’s no excuse. I pray each night and every morning to be filled with patience and gratitude but darn near every day I fall short.

I totally understand how you feel, all of us do, but I also know that it hurts your heart that it happened. All I can say is that you are doing the best that you can. Hugs to you and give yourself some grace because this is the hardest job you’ll ever have to do.