When you know what's best but have no approach

KWoz

This maybe long. My mom is in the middle stages now. She has good time frames and good and not so good moments that all are affected by her environment and who is in it. She lives 3 hours from me and I am the youngest of her 4 kids. We have a relationship that nobody in my family understands or maybe just doesn't want to accept. I am the only one who knows a lot of things, private, financial and personal about my mom. We share everything and can finish each other's sentences and can be ourselves when we are together. Im the only person who knows how to be with her when it comes to getting a shower or going to an appointment. I just know how to act and what makes her comfortable. There's an approach with everything and I am lucky enough to know it. She lives with her husband who she really loves but they are out in the woods and he has his own disabilities and they cared for his mother with died with alzheimer's. He's mean, short tempered and flat out miserable and finds something wrong with everyone. I was always the chd who was on his good side out of my siblings because I love my mom and do what I have to. Now he's mad at me because I brought my mom to visit and after her being with us for a month she just wanted to go home and it was getting harder to convince her to stay longer. He refused to let me bring her a day early and wanted me to lie to her so she'd stay longer. Now he says that was her last visit she won't be coming back. He feels I put him in a situation by asking why I couldn't just bring her home and now is making it impossible for me to even talk to her. I pay her phone bill and some other bills that he isn't even aware of but he won't even make sure her phone is charged and turned on. She's been avoiding me. I knew something was off. She video called me the other day and said for me to leave her alone and stop bothering her that im making problems there. I lost it. Cried til I couldn't breathe and kept asking what did I do? Im sorry please tell me so I can fix it. She said I don't know but you did something and I don't want to talk to you anymore. I was devastated and in shock. I am who she calls crying about how mean he is and that he tells her she has alzheimer's and points out every repetitive thing she does and he counts her wash clothes and moans about all the detergent and cleaner she uses when all she is trying to do is not be bored! There's no kids, no traffic, no stimulation other than him griping about how bad he hates the house and everything else. She doesn't want to lose her home or him but when she's with us she is laughing, dancing, smiling, showering and wanting to do her hair and look nice and go places. She remembers stuff we talk about but when she's with him it's the complete opposite and she does whatever he says just to keep the peace. She later messaged me and said she was sorry and that im her baby and she loves me more than anything and we will be happy soon she hopes. I think him alienating her from us is neglect and him leaving her alone to do whatever he wants isn't safe. She leaves water running and the stove on etc. I always watch, never point it out but if she gets upset I find a way to distract her or the kids do and she ends up giggling again and saying how much she loves being with us. He's not giving her the recommended nutrition or exercise she needs and he can't even have a civil interesting conversation with her. But....she loves him. He needs her income. Her house is filled with all his junk because he's a hoarder and I got in trouble because I got her new clothes because hers were so big and worn out. I don't know what to do and my siblings want nothing to do with it if it will interfere with their lives whereas I would move in a heartbeat just to see her smile everyday. Any advice would be so appreciated!!!

Cynbar

I would call Adult Protective Services in their area and file a report. Tell them exactly what you wrote in the post, or even print it out and show it to them. It certainly sounds like neglect and even financial exploitation may be going on. APS can investigate and monitor the situation.

dayn2nite2

Your time to act was when she was with you and you should have tried to get guardianship.   Would you have won?  Unknown.  Unless you have legal rights to her care, your only option here is to call Adult Protective Services.

I will caution you that he will know it's you, so I would expect her not to be able to contact you again if the case is unfounded.

You can also attempt to file for guardianship, but it's likely you won't win if the court doesn't see her as being neglected or abused.

KWoz

I've wanted to call for 3 years. Everyone in my family is telling me I am just going to male it harder for my mom because in her mind she wants to be with him when she isn't but doesn't want to be when she's there. I know my gut is right. I know she would be healthier and happier if she wasn't stuck staring at a television all day after being a business owner for 30 years and very active. I just wish I had somebody in the family to have my back instead of being selfish that they will feel obligated to visit her if she's with me. He's burning this bridge and I'm the only person who answers every call and fixes or helps with everything they need. I have videos of her and I and she says "I'm just so happy when I'm with you, you are the only one I can count on and trust". Yet I'm letting him do this? I'm not protecting her like I know I should and it's killing me.

KWoz

I have tried to keep her multiple times. He has said, "if she wants to go she can go or if she wants me to leave I will". She privately had me write up her POA forms for her health. I did it. I knew exactly what she would want and I wrote it out. I tried to show it to her and she said,  "just give me the pen and nobody needs to know about this it's between me and you just like everything else". So I have that and he doesn't know it. I don't want to make things worse. I'll take the blame or what comes with doing the right thing by my mother as long as I know it's the right thing to do. She gave me access and listed me on all of her financial accounts when she started to forget passwords and stuff. He doesn't know any of this or what she even has besides what goes into her bank account he had her add him to while he kept a separate account for himself to protect his ssa deposits "just in case she goes and orders something crazy on the internet". He has all her money and spends it on what he wants and she couldn't even feel good about us getting her new underwear! Maybe I expect too much when it comes to her but I honestly don't think I am seeing this unclear at all

dayn2nite2

KWoz wrote:

I have tried to keep her multiple times. He has said, "if she wants to go she can go or if she wants me to leave I will". She privately had me write up her POA forms for her health. I did it. I knew exactly what she would want and I wrote it out. I tried to show it to her and she said,  "just give me the pen and nobody needs to know about this it's between me and you just like everything else". So I have that and he doesn't know it. I don't want to make things worse. I'll take the blame or what comes with doing the right thing by my mother as long as I know it's the right thing to do. She gave me access and listed me on all of her financial accounts when she started to forget passwords and stuff. He doesn't know any of this or what she even has besides what goes into her bank account he had her add him to while he kept a separate account for himself to protect his ssa deposits "just in case she goes and orders something crazy on the internet". He has all her money and spends it on what he wants and she couldn't even feel good about us getting her new underwear! Maybe I expect too much when it comes to her but I honestly don't think I am seeing this unclear at all

POA for her health means nothing if it doesn't include financial POA, which he seems to have.

What good is keeping her health POA "secret"?  Makes no sense.  

APS probably is what you have available.  Again, he will probably cut off all access to her if the case is unfounded.  Guardianship is an expensive and lengthy process and unless you can prove she is being exploited/abused, you won't win.

Videos of her talking about how happy she is with you are not evidence that you are the better caregiver.  See an attorney and they will give you an opinion on whether they feel you will be successful with a guardianship process.

KWoz

Her wanting me to do the POA and not my siblings or her husband is what she wanted to keep private. She doesn't like conflict and knows with everyone else it's a control and power thing and not just about my mother's wishes. It made her sick to think about and she knew I'd write it the way she'd want it.. She always forgets to end the call when she talks on the phone and as soon as she says goodbye he starts asking questions and complaining not knowing we can hear him. I have witnesses to some of those.. By the time she was diagnosed she wanted nothing to do with a living will or anything else. The forms she signed for me are the only forms that I'm aware of. He is her husband and has rights but he honestly shouldn't be on his own either. The house has structural issues that are just getting worse and they are on 3 acres of land in the middle of nowhere that he can't manage to mow on his own without being sick for the following week. But....his kids don't want him around or living with them because of how he is. He always threatens to leave her but has nowhere to go whereas she does and she loves the house but he absolutely hates it and wants to give it back to the bank rather than repair it. I started mailing her positive letters every day about the kids and stuff and I include an addressed stamped envelope and paper with a note asking her to write back and tell me about her birds and plants that make her happy. I thought the old fashioned way of communicating might be fun and an opportunity for her to not be overheard and to feel like she has some control with mailing it. The first letter might have been what triggered her to tell me to leave her alone. He gets the mail and might have given her a hard time about it. I have no answers.

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ferrys

I think that is very odd he was so upset she went back one day early, the seems to be a big red flag something is not right in this. I would call Adult Protective Services, they can evaluate the situation and if anything is not right will take matters into their hands. It sounds like your mom is being manipulated and who knows in what way. You are doing your mom a disservice not doing anything but calling APS. And if APS is called by someone else lets say and it comes out you knew something odd was going on you could be held accountable. Adult Protective Services protects those who cannot protect themselves and your mom I am afraid is in this situation. You don't know if she has been threatened, you don't know what this situation is.

KWoz

Thank you for the insight. I need to do what I know is the best for her while I still can. Ignoring it like some tend to do will only cause guilt and regret.

KWoz

You're absolutely right. The verbal abuse alone is unwarranted and wrong. He's bullying her basically and I've been letting him have this control because my mom doesn't want him to leave but I think it's time I do what's necessary and whatever comes next (hopefully her being with me full time) I will face and manage one way or another. She had a good morning because she was messaging that she wants to come be with me but I need to have one of my sisters pick her up and not let him know we are spending time together. She shouldn't have to sneak around to see or do things just because he doesn't like something. Thank you very much for your thoughts I appreciate the support