New here. Self-preservation?

PGordon

Hi all. My mother is a well cared for 90 year old in a lovely senior’s residence. She decided years ago that I should be the person responsible for her, and she has basically done nothing for herself in years. I am infinitely grateful for the care provided at her residence. We have always had a difficult relationship and I think I am the person she selected to take care of everything to save my brother the work.

Though she is undiagnosed, my mother’s memory lasts between 5 and 15 minutes before she loops back and asks the same questions. She has delusions particularly about me, where she accuses me of having stolen her money, possessions etc. None of what she says has a shred of truth to it. She does not remember lawyer and banking appointments we sat through together to sell her house or simplify her banking. Other people are also accused of things at the home where she lives.

I guess so she doesn’t forget, she has been writing notes to herself about the horrible things she thinks I am doing. She writes the phone numbers of people she wants to call for help though it doesn’t appear that she makes these calls when I look at her phone bill. She does not tell my brother that she thinks I am stealing from her. He reassures me that he does t believe her.

My husband is undergoing treatment for 2 different types of cancer, so we have an already elevated stress level at home. I go to see my mother, knowing what she thinks of me, but it weighs heavy on me. I don’t want to go knowing what I do, and I have a hard time for days after seeing her. 

What do people do to support their own mental health as relationships deteriorate due to dementia? I know what she is saying isn’t true, but it is horrible when your mother accuses you of things like this and I know that no amount of discussion will wipe out her delusions.

Sjodry

Welcome PGordon,

It is a stage that typically passes (or it did in my mom’s case.)I was accused of stealing her money and anything else that was/is wrong..I did that too! My mom so frequently yelled about her money being taken, that I printed off her most recent bank/investment statements and put them in her bedside drawer to refer her to when it comes up again for the umpteenth time. She didn’t remember they were there, nor does she understand how to process them even if she looked at them with my help. My mom (when she was able) called the financial planners office telling them I stole her money, as well as telling my absent sister (who I am certain readily believed it).

It doesn’t feel good to be accused of these things, but it is part of the disease. What is helpful to remember is that the mom you are interacting with now, is not the same loving mom who would never say or think those things of you. You are absolutely right that it is fairly if not entirely impossible to “convince” them of whatever you are being accused of, isn’t true. Don’t even try.

Work on developing that “thick” caregiver skin, because it is a requirement on this journey.

You are not alone!

Take care.

Sandy

ferrys

I am sorry your husband is battling cancer. I know you want to be there for your mom, but maybe your focus needs to be on your husband. And also your health, this is a lot going on. You must pick your battles, it is your choice it is not the whim on the wind. Yes all this is going on but there are only so many places you can be in and you can't spread yourself so thin you are almost not in existence anymore. If you continue this, you will be a wreck.

 When your mom decided you were the one to decide for her, did she do that with a POA? I realize she is 90, but what about her going to a neurologist to get tested to see what is going on. That way, she would possibly get medication to help her.

My mom first was diagnosed with parkinsons, which turned into lewy body dementia. And it is going on 3 years now of her saying it is too bad she can't come home and I can care for her. That is impossible and isn't going to happen. And, she hasn't written checks in over several years, she can't even figure out how to call the bank. Almost daily I get questioned about what is going on with her money, how does she contact the bank. And I made the mistake several years ago of ordering her new checks, an entire set, and had the bank ship them to her. That was an error, which is corrected now.

So, I hear about this now, about where she is living and why she can't live with me, and these checks, each time I talk with her pretty much, for over 3 years. I don't think it stops.

What I do now, is have no comment. She asks about the living, or checks, I don't reply. She  usually repeats, and I say nothing. It seems to work, otherwise it is this circle conversation that can go on for 15 minutes with her even more upset as to why things are not the way she wants them.

Now, I don't call as much, or visit as much, as it is literally really hard for me emotionally. I had to decide how much I could take, and took steps. I no longer call each day, I will call several times a week. I don't call in the afternoon or evenings since that seems to be a sadder part of the day, I found calling before lunch is her best time of day. I stay away from calling on Sunday, I call on a Saturday. I will block my mom from calling me sometimes for the afternoon or evening. She is in a home, it isn't like the sky will fall if she can't reach me. When she first was there, I was on high alert, I just can't maintain that anymore, it is very draining and made it so I felt like I was living to help her with every single problem she felt was a problem.

Almost all of our conversations are guilt drivin by her, she has done that for years, but her situation has made it worse. I decided to protect myself in these small ways. You have to decide in a plan what is the best way, time, etc for you to interact with your mom. Otherwise you will really have a hard times, you know, it's your mom.

You must make decisions about how you will spread yourself out in this, what are you willing or able to do, and still be ok as you. Yes you will be making choices to limit how you interact with your mom, but you have other relationships that are dear to you also, and yourself, don't leave yourself out of the pie division.

I guess I got to, 'this is where my mom is at in her life now, this is what she is having happen for living so long'

Don't forget your marriage, family and self in this, it will be lost if you forget yourself. Like you will be running so fast to do everything and forget you. Don't forget you.

And for your brother, well, he can make choices to help, is he? My brother is not helping at all he said he "will listen about it", not helpful. I don't bother to tell him many things now, he isn't POA and isn't helping so many times I don't waste my time now.

Basically I will tell you, you do matter you aren't a workhorse here. And more importantly you are a wife whos husband is probably pretty afraid of how this will go. It's ok to decide what to focus on, even if it's not your mom. If it appears you can do it all, others will let you run yourself into the ground.

Anyway, your mom is being cared for in a home, so please give yourself a break. And I hope your husband gets through this, I have had several cancers and it is really scary. There is a website for boards like this on the cancer society page with even help and discussions for different kinds of cancers.

https://csn.cancer.org/forum

You, take care.

King Boo

I hear you.

It's a job of tremendous responsibility, often with no thanks or recognition from other family members.  Being an executor is equally a PIA.

However, - you do have control over her care needs.  IMHO, this does not have to include being there constantly when other demands of living, like your husband's cancer diagnosis and your fatigue - need attention.

Consider hiring a Geriatric Care Manager to be your eyes and care monitor.  Or sub in a phone call to mother's facility at least 50% of the time instead of an in person visit.  

There is only so much of you to go around.

Repeat.

If Mom's safe and her care needs are met - sometimes, we have to step away.

These confabulations are very typical of the disease due to the part of the brain that is damaged - but if she becomes very hostile and agitated, a Geriatric Psychiatrist MD can prescribe some medication (even a mild anti anxiety med) that can be a complete gamechanger, both for her quality of life (she cannot be content with those thoughts in her head) and for her caregivers.

Amymv

You are correct!  Your mother is being cared for at her facility.  I agree with the others, don't spread yourself too thin.  Looking back, I think I could have been better about keeping my priorities straight.  Be sure to take good care of yourself and care for your dh. Shed the guilt. I hope your dh will improve and please come back to let us know how things are going.