Struggling with next steps

cbmo

Hi all - I have read many posts and while they are comforting in terms of knowing we are not alone with this, I'm sure each situation is somewhat unique so finally decided to post my own situation.

Mom was diagnosed in Feb 2021, but we had been trying to get her to see someone about her memory issues and seemingly more combative personality for quite some time so if I really think back this has gotten progressively worse over the last 5-8 years. This year, however, has seemed like a snowball out of control. Short term memory is very bad but now she is SO ANGRY with us she is lashing out.

We finally took her keys from her about a week ago and ever since then has been CONSTANT phone calls, voicemails, texts to my sister and I. Extremely irate and swearing and telling us to stay out of her life. She called a locksmith and had a key made, but then lost that key, and has since had another key made (about $400 in locksmith charges).

She lives alone so we also finally got her to agree to some home health care which started today and really hasn't gone well. She tried to cancel but I told her it was too late for today so let's see how it goes. I'm sure she will try to cancel Friday's. (We are starting with M/W/F for 4 hours).

Kind of just at a loss on how to help while she is so combative with me and my sister. I'm worried she will do the same with the home health person.

Thanks for listening. Kind of exhausted and just open to any suggestions. 

Suzzin

cmbo, I'm so sorry, this is so familiar and still heartbreaking (and frustrating!). Are you close by? Can you help with medication? My mom was doing....okay...for a while but then dropped a level and became mean and angry. It was a daily struggle with their marriage and her bringing up "greatest hits" of complaints from my teenage years. She's been on Seroquel for about 9 months, and while she will get confused on where she lives she doesn't try to leave and hasn't been on a rage rant (at least not when I'm around). 

My dad also has cognitive problems so we had home health care, but they didn't really do much. It was like they were there just in case of emergency. They couldn't force either parent to shower or eat, but at least if they fell they had someone there to help (and yes, they fell).  It took me months but I finally got them to move to assisted living for a "trial".  They say they aren't happy, but my mom has laughed for the first time in a year when she was finally out meeting new people.

cbmo

Thanks for your response Suzzin and sympathize with you as well. I am glad to hear your mom seems to be smiling again.

I am about 3 hours away and visit every few weeks. My sister is about 15 min away and managing her meds as best she can. We found she had 2 90 day supplies of meds she had not taken! We took all meds out of her cabinet and my sister drops off a one week pill box each Sunday. This too has caused horrible nasty texts. It's exhausting and they can go on for hours. She says to stay out of her life, go to hell, never speak to her again, etc. We have tried to calm her down and redirect her and it was working for a bit but now ANY interaction with her seems to do more harm than good. 

I have sent in the form within our state to report her as an unsafe driver so we will hopefully get her license taken away soon. Clearly taking the keys just ended up an expensive and futile task.

M1

Welcome to the forum cbmo.  Hope one of you has power of attorney.  If not, it may be time to think about guardianship/calling adult protective services.  I'd be surprised if she's safe to be alone--the medicine issue is telling on that front.  One of the lessons to be learned here is to stop trying to reason with her, right away.  Her reasoner is broken.  You need to address her safety issues just like you would a toddler.  Unfortunately she's probably past the point of having choices here.  Good luck, none of this is easy; but if you read a lot of threads you will pick up lots of advice/pointers from similar situations.

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cbmo

Thank you for the responses. Couple of things to add for those who commented.

1 - we do have a POA. 

Luckily my sister who lives closer to her has had that for quite some time and we have determined that we would have no legal issues taking her car from her. We tried with the keys and obviously that didn't work since she called a locksmith. We are now going to try and get her DL and then take the car completely. We are worried that if we don't take the DL at the same time she will simply try to rent a car, which she has said she will do.

2 - I am handling her finances. She didn't like it, but I took over that when we caught her in a vulnerable state about a year ago. I check her balances/transactions daily to stay on top of any concerns of spending. So far so good there - we have had to cancel a few subscriptions/memberships she didn't realize she joined but pretty lucky on this front.

Her home health aide is scheduled to be back today for visit #2 and I am honestly concerned she won't let them in. This week has just been crazy with the foul texts and phone calls telling us to all go to hell. She is just becoming increasingly aggressive. It is just so unbelievable seeing her go into this mode so quickly. She hasn't been the nicest to be around for the last few years but we are at a whole new level now. 

StepKlet

Thanks for sharing this @cbmo. I'm a newbie on the board, too, and I feel like you just wrote my story. I'll be watching this thread carefully and sending good vibes. Take care of yourself when you can.

SDSmith

So many of us have been through exactly what you are going through.  Please know that you are not alone and I'm so glad you and your sister are on the same page.  This whole process from being diagnosed to Hospice care is difficult but I've found some great advice here on the forum and I hope I can add to that for you and your sister.

My mom was diagnosed 4 years ago and over the past 8 months became increasingly combative, aggressive and just plain mean.  I know it's hard, but what I realized is that moms brain is broken and I just can't hold the meanness against her.  Sometimes it's the only way she knows how to communicate.  In my mind safety always comes first and I was constantly telling my father that mom is a danger to herself, him and others around her.  For example, he took her to the grocery store and for whatever reason, let her drive an electric shopping cart.  She made a beeline for the wine aisle and knocked over an entire wine display breaking bottles ... and she just sat there not realizing what she had done.  She constantly screamed at my dad that she WASN'T taking her meds to the point that he just gave in and so she was never consistently medicated.  She constantly screamed, cried, hallucinated, threatened to kill him, etc.

My dad finally decided that mom being at home was not safe and he decided to put her in a  home.  The first month at the facility was a hard adjustment for mom, us and the staff.  We all had to adjust.  But now, through some cleverness on the staff's part, mom is properly medicated and comfortable.  She's in the last stage and is in Hospice care but we feel so relieved that she is getting the proper professional help that she so needed AND she is safe.

I understand that your mom lives alone and so it's harder on your end.  Is she truly safe being alone?  Does she still try to cook?  Would she try to light a candle?  Is she mobile even without a vehicle?

If you have a POA, it may be time to consider a facility for your mom.  But it doesn't have to be an institution type of facility.  My mom is in a personal care home with 10 other ladies and it's perfect.  She gets one on one attention which is what she needed.

Peace+ to you and your sister as you make tough decisions for your mom.

Iris L.

You have to learn about anosognosia.  Your LO is not going to come to you one day  and say, thanks for helping me out because I'm having difficulty.  They become unaware of having these difficulties and truly believe they  are fine.  Why have a caregiver/babysitter?  They are fine!  You cannot convince them otherwise, with reality.  You cannot rely on their proclamations that they are fine once you understand about anosognosia.  

One of the first things to do is a safety check of the home and dementia-proofing the home.  Safety awareness is non-existant with a person with demenia and anosognosia.  Someone should visit for a weekend and observe not just an hour ir two. Check the refrigerator for expired food.  Check for dangerous household chemicals that might be mistaken for a beverage. Be aware of wanderingn or getting locked out of the home and falls.  So many things to check!  Read a lot of threads.  The members here know the most  and are willing to share.  

Iris L.

Suzzin

It's a small thing, but I bought the Med-E-Lert container for my parents medicine. I would fill up the weekly pill boxes, and call every morning and night, but sometimes my dad would forget, say he had given them the meds but he hadn't.  Sometimes he gave the night ones instead of the morning ones.  Sometimes they would take the full day of meds at the same time. Sometimes everything was fine, but he was stressed about checking on it and explaining to me.  The Med-E-Lert is automatic, can do once a day for 28 days or twice a day for 14 days (or 4 times a day for a week). You put the pills in and set the timers. When it's time, it beeps and a light flashes, and the dial opens up the meds for that time of day. The beeping only stops when they pick up the disc and put the meds in their hand. The first week I got a few calls of "what is this beeping?" but since then they are taking the right meds at the right time. There's a lot of other things I worry about but for the first time in over a year I don't worry about them taking the right meds at the right time.

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nikopapp

Hi cbmo,

We have very similar situations it sounds like.

I was hit very suddenly with the extreme anger, and now know it had been going on through Covid unbeknownst to me.

My mother definitely cannot live alone- I do believe it is time for yours to be in MC or AL at this point.

Things WILL only get worse, as they did this week with my mother.

The best thing for my mom is to be under constant supervision, even though even as of last month I never would have believed she would be in this stage a month later.

I feel your frustration-