I'm not sure if this is the proper way to handle it

Ed1937

Part of the time my wife refuses to change her incontinence underwear before going to bed. Last night she absolutely refused, and if she does not change before bed, it's guaranteed that I'll be washing bedding in the morning. And I will probably also be wet. I told her it was not optional, she had to change. Nope! So it ended up with me ripping the seams off the underwear, so she couldn't wear them. She called me an unflattering name. But I've never forced her to do anything since we were married, and it bothers me to do it now, even though I've done it a time or two before. Literally less than 5 minutes after getting into bed, she was reaching out to hold my hand. Is there a more humane way to get her to change? Usually I can talk her into changing, even though she doesn't want to.

M1

Ed would it help if you showed/told her you were changing your underwear too?  Just a thought.  We're not there yet.  Merciful that she forgot about it though....reaching for your hand is sweet.

Rick4407

Ed, my DW is sometimes hesitant or even stubborn about something that needs to be done.  The majority of the time I divert her attention for 2-3 minutes with something else and then return to the original task.  At that point she has forgotten she "didn't want to" and is cooperative.  You can repeat several times if necessary.  Rick

June45

Goodness Ed, that is a hard one, but in my humble opinion, I think you did what you had to do.  I would imagine that most of us, including me,  have had to handle things in a such a way that we would never have done when our LO had a healthy brain.  I probably would have done the same thing for all the reasons you cited, plus the fact that having urine against the skin for that long is unhealthy for the skin.  The fact that your wife reached out for your hand is almost like saying "thanks for looking out for me".

P.S. And it wouldn't hurt to try what M1 said.  When I first had my husband wear incontinent underwear, I told him I was wearing it also as if that is just something everybody does when they get older!

amicrazytoo

Ed, That had to be difficult. I think perhaps M1 has a good thought of you putting on clean underwear along with her before going to bed.

jfkoc

I love "everyone changes their underwear". I also like we are all going to the attorney to get DPOA, make our will, complete a health directive and my favorite, time for us to get in the shower.

60 falcon

If all your efforts fall short of getting her to take them off voluntarily, I think you did the right thing.  I'd have done the same thing. Sometimes things just have to get done.

Paris20

It’s hard to get used to the relationship changes that take place when a spouse has dementia. My husband was always incredibly competent…with finances, home repair, cooking, and career. Now he acts like a recalcitrant toddler. When DH’s health and safety require that I do what must be done despite his protestations, I hang tough and assertively insist that he do what is necessary. For my husband, taking daily meds and eating are always a challenge but I do not let him refuse what I know is best for him. He eventually gives in.

Ed1937

Thanks very much for the thoughts. Changing my underwear before bed will happen tonight. If that doesn't work, I'll try changing the subject, then return to the task at hand. It's really great when other people chime in on something like this.

Stuck in the middle

I like the idea of both changing.  Being ordered to be the only one naked would offend most people, while undressing with one's spouse is pretty normal.

Ed1937

June45 wrote:

The fact that your wife reached out for your hand is almost like saying "thanks for looking out for me".

WOW! You really know how to yank my emotional strings!! Thank you for the thought.

June45

And Ed, if changing underwear together doesn't work, you might try playing the "daughter card".  She has had significant successes in the past.

ladyzetta

Ed,    You are a very loving caring husband to your wife. Please don't let this bother you because you did the best thing for her. I like the idea of both changing before bed I bet that works well. Hugs Zetta

Battlebuddy

Ed, 

  I am right there with you. We have only been dealing with this for two weeks. But it has become very stressful. My DH will not change . So I have to force the issue. He can’t go to bed with a wet depends for the health reason that it will cause infection and skin problems.  

  I have had many tug of war sessions and he is holding on for dear life. 

  What’s worked so far: cutting the seal rather than ripping with small blunt end manicure scissors. I also switched him to soft shorts with no fly and can get them down quicker. I then hand him a towel to cover up which gives him something to hold on to and some power. I then work quick getting the shorts and wet depends off as fast as I can yelling encouraging things like “ almost done!” I wish he would let me wipe him down more and use cream but so far no. I’m worried about that . When I’m done I give a small treat to sooth him. Then after that I tell him I love him and that everything’s good. Like your wife , he seems ok within about 15 minutes. 

   In my opinion very few things have to be done but this is one of them 

Joe C.

Ed, I often have challenges getting DW to take her meds and I use the approach Rick suggested, walk away & change the subject then try again in 2-3 minutes. It is often a successful approach.

Bhopper

Ed, 

I have gained lots of valuable information from you postings In hope of returning in a small way what sometimes works for me is I don’t acknowledge the accident but I ask her to try on clothes for the next day’s selections and just take everything off before trying on the next days suggested clothes. Doesn’t always work but when things are pretty dood she accepts because she is involved in the decision. Hopefully helps some 

BH

Jeff86

These power/control battles are a major challenge for our LO’s and ourselves as caregivers.  Saying no is one of the last levers of control PWD have, after having lost so much independence. 

My DW is mostly cooperative, but when she refuses to do something there is no persuasion in the world the will change her mind.  Her dinner often goes uneaten, and I’ve lost the battle over meds, so they’re now ground up and mixed into yogurt or apple sauce.

It comes down to picking your battles, and how important the issue is.  Changing wet Depends is not negotiable, so hopefully the good suggestions on this post get you there, Ed.  You’re a wonderful caregiver, and like all of us still learning….

Last Dance

I know how this bothers you, because a few times I had that same problem. where as I had to pick my wife up and literately tear off her depends and put new ones on. When I think about it,  I still feel bad, but it was for her own good, I always worried about UTIs and after she was changed and cleaned up she was just fine. Being a caregiver makes us do things that we wouldn't half to do if they were normal. (I can remember the times when things were normal I never had trouble talking her into taking off her underwear.)

ladas

June 45: 

I’m new to this board. What is the ‘daughter card’?

June45

ladas,

Welcome to this board.  You are among friends here!

Ed has a wonderful daughter who has been able to talk his wife into doing things like take a bath when he hasn't been able to do it.

Ed1937

Just an update. I grabbed a fresh pair of underwear last night, and told her we should both change before going to bed. She said "You're not pulling that on me"! But in the initial post on this thread, I said "Usually I can talk her into changing, even though she doesn't want to.". So that's exactly what happened last night because changing the subject was not going to work either. I try to tell her that I can get her changed in 2 minutes, or we can fight for 20, and she'll still get changed. Not sure if she ever considers that, but most times I finally win with words.

McCott

Ed -- You are a saint even to be worrying about things like this. I admire you a lot,  Mary

abc123

Hi Ed, the update made me laugh. DW telling you, You're not pulling that on me.

My parents are experiencing this exact battle. Dad is doing lots and lots of laundry these days. She does not want to change to fresh Depends, ever. I remind him that things will continue to go south. Good luck! I hope you find a solution soon. Please keep us posted. 

Ed1937

Abc, for the last two nights I have been calling my daughter. Last night after arguing with my wife about changing, with no good result, my daughter talked her into changing within two minutes. She is a life saver for me.

June45

Ed1937 wrote:

Abc, for the last two nights I have been calling my daughter. Last night after arguing with my wife about changing, with no good result, my daughter talked her into changing within two minutes. She is a life saver for me.