Safeguard your sanctuary

Lynne D

Because he snores, jerks, and rolls over on to me, I sleep in a windowless room in the basement. In trying to engage my husband in a task I asked him to help me clean the light fixtures in the basement (holding the screws, wiping the inside of the fixtures, etc.)

Now he states that he never knew about this room and insists on claiming it as his own. He cannot remember what he uttered three seconds ago or his kids names, but he won’t let go of the notion of claiming this room. Like a dog on a bone.

I love the cool, quiet basement (even though it is admittedly a bit creepy). The dog will not go down there and he insists on having the dog by his side. So there is coaxing and yelling and jerking the dog around. He has begun to be overly demanding on the dog, like a stubborn willful child.

So by attempting to engage him in a meaningful, helpful activity, I have created turmoil and lost my refuge. If you want to keep something to yourself, literally keep it out of sight.

June45

Oh no Lynne, let's hope he forgets about it in a day or so!

Iris L.

Lynne D wrote:

I love the cool, quiet basement (even though it is admittedly a bit creepy). The dog will not go down there and he insists on having the dog by his side. So there is coaxing and yelling and jerking the dog around. He has begun to be overly demanding on the dog, like a stubborn willful child.

The dog should be rehomed.  It needs to be protected from abuse.

Iris L.

Stuck in the middle

Sorry, Lynne.  It seems like the rules change all the time, without notice, doesn't it?

M1

Law of unintended consequences. Geez. I too hope he forgets and you get it back...

French

Just after the diagnosis, my partner bought a powerful laptop. He has never been able to use it but the laptop was full of virus. 

During the lockdown I asked him if my daughter could use it for the remote courses. He agreed. Then everyday, he asked for his laptop. And when I explained he couldn’t use it because it was too complicated and that he had his iPad he was able to use, the answer was : yes but I will learn to use my computer and I need it for that.

Then I noticed that we had let the laptop cover on the sofa and that he was always asking the laptop because he was seeing the cover. I removed the cover and it was finished. He certainly even doesn’t remember he had a laptop.

Perhaps you could stop going to your room during few days and he will forget. 

We are doing a lot of efforts to compensate their memory loss, why not take advantage of it sometimes ?

JoseyWales

Lynne, I had an almost identical situation happen here! We have a small upstairs, and it's DS's domain. There are 2 small bedrooms and DH's old office. DH pretty much forgot that we had an upstairs until I asked him to help me carry some stuff up there. He threw a fit because DS was using HIS space, and kept going upstairs and bringing random things down. 

It took about a week for him to forget we had an upstairs again. You can be sure I'm not going to have him go up there again.

Rescue mom

Trying to think about the “next steps” or unintended consequences, is yet another stress on caregiver. I’ve learned, as you said, there are some things you just can’t share or have them do, or what they may do next with that may not be good. But trying to constantly anticipate things that can go bad—things that seem good or innocuous at the first step— is hard.

Pets and PWD are such an issue. We caregivers need all the comfort and companionship we can get, but so many PWDs, as they advance, will unintentionally hurt the dog even when they generally love it.  I have to watch my DH like a hawk or he will feed her something really bad. Or use poisonous chemicals to “clean” her. Etc. (I hide most all cleaning stuff because of this).

Hopefully, if your room is not brought to light again for a while, he will forget about it. Even dogs tire of a bone at some point.

Lynne D

Rescue Mom and Iris, thanks for your input and concern for the dog. The dog is an important companion for my HWD. The dog definitely senses something is wrong with his “dad.” He is also 85 lbs. and is quick to make gentle yet threatening “corrections” when he does not like something. He can take care of himself, and I also know he would not harm my HWD.

Buggsroo

I can really relate to the sanctuary issue. My husband and I have our own rooms, because he likes it really warm and I like it cold. Sometimes he will come into my room and start messing with my stuff or try and close my window. I have explained that my room is my place, he has his own place. It is sad but I really need my quiet place so I can recharge.

Hopefully your husband will forget about your room and you can have your refuge back. 

As for pets, we have four cats, my husband gets very noisy and aggressive. They become frightened and they come to me. I have noticed that our cats will try and comfort him, but he does also frighten them. 

jbrocks

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/101243#Comment_101243

You nailed it Lynne. I feel like I've been forced to take a job in which I have zero qualifications for and forced to do that job all along with the boss yelling at me… and then the job description changes, yet still have no qualifications for and the boss yells at me louder - and I can't leave that job ever. Kind of like the Twilight Zone. 🥜

jehjeh

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/233874#Comment_233874

Great analogy!

RetiredTeacher

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/57409/safeguard-your-sanctuary

In many ways I envy Lynne having a sanctuary space, even if her DH is now trying to claim it. I think I'd give him the space and move back to the primary bedroom. My husband trashes all night, multiple trips to the bathroom, sighs, moans and groans and startles awake and confused, looking for comfort. I've tried sleeping in another bedroom and in the couch and he comes out repeatedly begging and pleading for my return. When I refuse he attempts to sleep in whatever room I'm in. There is no sanctuary space day or night and insists on going anywhere if I try to leave the house. I also feel the need for sanctuary to retain my own sanity. I struggle everyday with this. It's so important to have some space for yourself and separation from the problem, albeit brief. How do others deal with this??

Carl46

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/233906#Comment_233906

I deal with it by sleeping with my wife. She wakes me every night at least twice, to help her find the bathroom or because she had a bad dream. I stay sane, to the extent that I am sane, because she sleeps more than 12 hours per 24-hour period and I have some time alone. I am looking into an adult day care facility so I can get things done during weekdays without taking her with me.

I had my own sanctuary for a number of years, an upstairs bedroom with "mancave" alcove I used as an office to work at home and for personal business. I haven't used it, other than the file cabinet and computer printer, for over a year. One of many things lost to her illness.