I’m back after a very long time away

sixcats

Hi

My sweet husband has been in a great (expensive) memory care facility here in Los Angeles for just over a year. He was 60 when diagnosed, he just turned 62. He’s doing okay and they take very good care of him. I, on the other hand, went into a deep depression. Worst in my life. With Covid and all I’ve become a hermit in our home and have developed a myriad of mental health and physical issues. I’m almost 71. I can’t believe it. I finally went away for a few days and hung out and bonded with the other 3 women in the facility. I realized when I got home how incredibly lonely I was. It’s time to make changes in my life but don’t know where to begin. I haven’t exercised in a very long time. When I went away there were a lot of mirrors and I saw how out of shape I had become and the Covid20 - gained at least 20 lbs in last year and a half. I’m sort of a mess. Last three years have basically been a living hell. I finally placed my husband with early onset dementia in a facility in March of 2020. Within 2 weeks he got Covid from another resident. He had one of the worst cases ever, was on ventilator and almost died several times. He was hospitalized for 3 months and was totally paralyzed long after virus left his body. So he did another month at a rehabilitation hospital learning to eat, talk, walk, etc. again. He’s still not back to his condition before he got the virus. In his case, the fact that his memory is gone is a good thing. The back part of his brain is working well. He still plays the harmonica and guitar and he knows who I am. Just had to reach out to anyone who can relate in any way. Thanks.

loveskitties

Dear sixcats,

Covid isolation has done a number on many of us, you are not alone in that.

Would you enjoy volunteering at something?  My neighbor used to help with local reading programs.  With restrictions lowering, how about going to rock premies at your local hospital.  

If you have a local mall, there are some times walking groups who meet for exercise and companionship.

Think about the things which interest you and then try to match with some activity to get you out of the house on a routine basis.

Don't worry about the +20 just yet unless it is negatively impacting your health.  As you become more active, you will notice a positive change.

In the mean time, if you can afford it financially, treat yourself to a spa day and new hairdo...can do wonders for the inner your.

Wishing you the best

p.s.  I only have 2 kitties...lol

M1

Welcome back sixcats, literally and figuratively. I think that's  great advice from LK, notching takes me out of myself better than a chance to do something for someone else. Hopefully connecting here too can help. Everyone here can identify with your pain and loss.

My cat count is currently three....

Cynbar

Your post resonates with me. My DH is still home but he is declining, and placement may be coming. I know if it does it will be extremely difficult for me, we've been together for so many years and it will leave a huge void. I have a hard time imagining how I will rebuild my like without him. Some posters here sound like they place their LO and it's fairly painless --- I just don't see it. Thank you for giving a voice to this other side.

By the way, I have 2 cats --- but I also have a Schnauzer puppy (6 months) who should count for at least 4, so I think we're about even! My pets are so much company, not sure how I'd get through this without them.

JoseyWales

Hi sixcats - welcome back. I think reaching out is the first step to rejoining life. At least I've found that is how I get started again when I feel like I'm stuck in a rut and need a push out.

I'm so sorry your DH got Covid and had such a hard time with it. As if the dementia wasn't enough, right? 

I have just one cat. The one in my profile picture went missing several years ago, we have a replacement one now. 

LadyTexan

Greetings sixcats.

I am so glad you reached out. This has indeed been a difficult time for you, and many of us. In the past 12 weeks I have been adding pounds. I eat when I am stressed. The more I eat the more stressed I get and the cycle spirals quickly.

I get myself back on track, kindly and gently. I'll make one better choice today. For example, drinking an extra glass of water. Tomorrow I will make another better choice, for example, not buying ice cream. The next day I will make a better choice, for example walking around the block. All the little incremental choices add up and make me feel good about doing something good for me.

I concur that serving others is a great way to boost one's mood and perspective.

Another thing I do to boost my mood is actively verbalize gratitude. For example, I am grateful for my loyal dog Hap and the cat that adopted us, Moochie.

Best wishes for a better day today.

-LT

ElaineD

Dear sixcats,

You have been through so much!  You are a marvelous caregiver, and now is the time to care for yourself.  WELCOME BACK.

This is my list of how I care for myself.

1.  Relax and breathe.....  It is amazing what those two simple words represent.    I try to remember to do this when I'm so tense my shoulders are up around my ears!  Meditation focuses on relaxation and breathing.  There are many meditation guides on Youtube, and meditation applications for your phone, as well.

2.  Exercise helps my body, mind and spirit.  It helps me if I find something I like to do, or at least don't hate.  I'm a slug at heart, so this challenges me.   Having an exercise buddy, or joining a class can help.  

3. Medication has helped me  through a hard time.   It takes time to find the right medication since we each respond differently.  

4.  Counseling/therapy gets me out of the 'squirrel cage' of my own mind.  It is wonderful to have someone to talk with who is only interested in me, someone who has no 'vested interested' in how they think I should be.   Sometimes I only figure out things as I talk about them to my therapist....I have the answers I need, I just have to find them!

5. Help others.  Some volunteer work, perhaps, or doing a favor for a neighbor?  I put this last, but we all know that we get more than we give when we volunteer.   Some animal shelters welcome volunteers who will spend time with the animals.....    I belonged for years to a social/charitable Newcomers Club....it was wonderful for me.   People to get to know, meetings with speakers, activities, even By Laws to organize (I love to organize things!).  

I'm sure you have your own list, sixcats.  Honor yourself, you have been through so much, and the horrific Covid experience of your husband must have been unbearable.  And you survived!  Bravo.

Please keep us posted.

Love, elained

Ed1937

Sixcats, welcome back. I think you received some very good thoughts above. When I feel pretty far down in the dumps, doing things that involve labor help me. I wonder if you could make some new friends by getting involved in an exercise program where others take part? Or join a gardening group or something like that. Anything that you might enjoy could lead to new people share your enjoyment.

aod326

Sixcats, first of all, well done reaching out to this message board. That's a great first step. The paradox of depression is that just when you really need to be around people, you don't feel able to reach out - or do anything really. 

It sounds like you've had a terrible year. I bought a coffee mug the other day, simply because of the writing on it. (I don't use mugs.) It says "Start Somewhere" and that's what I'm saying to myself. In fact DH used to say that too. 

Two things that help me are getting fresh air, and meditating. Even standing on the deck for 5 minutes helps, but walking around the block, a long walk, or a run, all help me. Meditating can sound a bit "new-age", but it doesn't have to be about sitting on a cushion saying "ohm". (Although it can be, if you like that!) I use an app called 10% Happier; another good one is Headspace. Both take you through from beginner, to as far as you want to go. 

I can't say I always follow my own advice, but every time I go out for a walk, and every time I do even just 5 minutes meditation, I feel more able to get on to the next thing. After a couple of years of worrying about and caring for DH, followed by 9 months of MC plus hospice at home, I feel like I have no real idea what to do next. DH and I loved the same things and did most things together. DH was 60 when he died, and I'm 57.

Last week I started a journal, with "What I'd like my life to look like" on one side of the page and "What I need to do to get there" on the other. (Losing the way-more-than-20lbs I've put on in the last 18 months being one of the things!)

Good luck. Keep coming back, reaching out when you can.  

(Two cats, one dog, and a brand new kitten! I decided to get one born around the time DH died, in April - he's a bundle of happiness!)

Jo C.

Oh my goodness; Six Cats!   I had been thinking of you so much this last week it is as thought I have conjured you up.   Welcome; so delighted to hear your voice again.

I am deeply sorry for all that has happened; it has been a very difficult journey from  the start and you have had to endure so much in the process. I am especially sorry to hear of how ill your dear husband has been.   How awfully helpless a feeling that must have been not to mention being scared to bits.

I know you are trying to find your way - does not have to be done all at once; sometimes baby steps are a good way to start.

If you are looking for exercise, (action absorbs anxiety and it also helps lift depression), and if you are not into a gym, or lonely walking, etc.; I found a way that made me a bit nervous at first, but within one day I suddenly found I loved it and it loved me:'

I joined a local water aerobics group that is sponsored by our city and the local adult school . . . . cost?  $20.00 for a semester; water?  I chose the water up to my bosom rather than deep water.  Music and an instructor and lots of people just like me - not a perfect body in  the joint.    It certainly made a huge differance for me.  In time I found myself looking forward to it and it was SO much actual fun.   Perhaps this would be an idea; no hurting of joints when in the water and we are as light as a feather in it.  Not liking the idea of a bathing suit?  Well; some of the ladies had those bicyle sort of pants that went past their knees and had that garment under their black bathing suits - made it like a wet suit. Others just wore bathing suits - dimples and ripples and  terminal cellulite be darned!   Some friendships formed out of that large group.  Some routinely went to lunch once a week after exercise.

 Also, others have mentioned volunteering.  Since you have had a background in the "industry," there are volunteers needed to do recorded reading for the blind.  Books, newspapers, health info, and even grocery pages for weekly sales.  There are different groups doing this, so if you Google, "Volunteer Reading For The Blind," a lot will come up. If you add your local area, then you will get info on groups in your own turf so to speak.

I know that the UCLA Health System does use volunteers, so that too is an organized option.  Some shelters for women and children have a need. You can also Google "volunteer opportunities in .-- - - - - enter the city nearest you.  There is so much out there.  You do not have to sign up for anything right now, but it is good to do the Google searches just to have an idea that may spark something for you when you are comfortable doing so.

So happy you are  here talking with us; we are always here and you are indeed part of this large electronic family.

Please let us know more and how you are doing and what is on your mind; we are here for one another and that inlcludes you too.

 
 J.

KenyonM

My wife was diagnosed 7 years ago with EO at age 62. Thanks to a good long term insurance policy I have around the clock care for her in our home. Twenty two months ago a friend told me about pickleball. I started playing and have gradually worked up to where I play 6 or 7 days a week. I have developed a whole new set of friends and my doctor told me my arteries are 8 years younger than my chronological age of 75. I have never been much of an athlete and never have been as excited about playing a sport as I have this one. I know this game will not work for everybody, but for some in our situation it can be a life changer. You can go on YouTube to see videos of the game and search on the internet to find local places to play. It is a very easy to play game for older people and can easily increase your skill as you play more. 

Kenyon 

sixcats

Hi Everyone,

I’m replying to every single person who left a message for me. Thank you all! So many great suggestions. I am taking it a day at a time. I love all your ideas. Especially getting in the water for exercise. Not ready to go back to Zumba. I haven’t driven my car in 6 months. Take Uber. But mostly stayed in my really messy house staring into space, paying bills, keeping cats happy. It’s like I’m finally beginning to slowly emerge from the prison I created for myself.  I began a 30 day plan to clean up at least one pile of stuff that has built up over the months each day. Often I spontaneously burst out crying. Missing my husband of 17 years so much. We met in 2000. He was my perfect match, soulmate and the love of my life. He still is and I’m grateful that he is so loved and cared for by the staff at his facility. (took 4 tries at other memory care facilities before I found the right one.)

Grateful for this forum. 

Jo C.

Hello again.   For most of us, it does take time to adapt and adjust.  As for the water aerobics, have to say that it rather astounded me that after a week or so how peaceful it made me feel even after I was home, out of the water.

It was so wonderful a feeling that I began to go in prior to the class and stayed after the class just to water walk or float about or do whatever.

This may be something to look into; many public pools have this as well as private groups which are of course a bit more pricey.

Going slow on the house cleanup is a good idea.  One method I use when doing a big cleaning is to start at one point in the room and slowly go clockwise or counterclockwise a bit at a time; one drawer or one foot of space at a time.  One big trash bag for discards, another bag or box for donations and another for things needing to be properly placed somewhere else, a dust cloth and off  I go at my pace.   If I only did an hour or skipped a day; no harm, it was still there.  I had to learn to make myself very hard-hearted and get rid of things that I had been hanging onto.  That was a good idea and I never missed those items I had been hanging onto.   Salvation Army will come to the house and pick up donations; usually within 24 hours.

Trying to do a big job all at once can be very unsettling and often leads to doing nothing at all.

As for the tears; grief takes time and grief for such a loss is our humanity and the result of our having love.  If it becomes a distinct problem, then we can seek help.  When you feel ready for exercise or contact with others either by joining a group or exercising, you will find your coping mechanisms begin to get more robust. 

Voluntering as discussed above is of course good. I also found a group of intelligent and nice women at the Association of University of Women. One must have a college degree to join, and they had all sorts of social groups within the larger group such as a book group, a drama group that met and read scripts; a gourmet group, a travel group, a bridge group and more.  As I recall, they sponsor education for females.  This group was also actively and highly supportive of one another.   If someone needed something, if there was illness or a crisis, etc.; the Members were there for one anothr.  They even had a sub-group that did not attend meetings; they were the spouses or partners of the Members who would step in and do small chores or fix-its for the Members.  Lovely.  

Some churches and synagogues  have good social programs; we belonged to a smaller gentle community  church that was middle of the road so to speak and there were a lot of groups that met.   Saturday night social group; dinner groups, craft group; women's group; and others.  No pressure; no proselytizing or preaching; just soft social fellowship.

Anyway; just some more small bits of input of things to think about when you are ready.

May peace and solace come soon; so glad you are here where we are all in support of one another, it is a soft place to land and absolutely no pressure and 24 hour accessibiliity.

J.

sixcats

Hi Friends,

I’m still a mess but not as bad as a year ago. Then, I was so paranoid I thought someone (like police or social services) were just going to break down my door and take me away. For just being a crazy person. Really. I have a therapist now, and taking meds prescribed by a psychiatrist. 

So many times, I’ve wished I would never wake up. Just died in my sleep. Peacefully. But I keep waking up every morning. With the same sh-- I had night before. Strangely, I had 25+ years as a spiritual healer. Breathwork, kirtan, prayer, meditation, yoga were daily for me. 

On a lighter note, I had a hauling company come today to take away so much of my trash. About 1/3. (Built up over 2 years) I plan to use them again in a week or so for 2nd pickup. And there may be a 3rd. At some point, I will be selling our house. Can’t handle all the maintenance on my own.

Anyone on this forum live in Los Angeles area? 

Thanks for your support and company. Sixcats

Jo C.

I live in the southern part of LA County; Iris also lives in LA county, but also south from where you live..

J.

sixcats

Hi Jo,

As we know, Los Angeles County is beyond huge. Thank you for responding. I live in Sherman Oaks. My spouse is at Silverado Beverly Place Memory Care in Los Angeles. I just thought it would great to connect with other L.A. people. 

sixcats

Hi Friends,

Today I spoke with a customer service agent from our mortgage company. I wanted to find out what we actually had in cash equity. (looking to do a possible refi) Took me 5 tries to finally reach a human being. Eddie from Texas. I got the info I needed. Well, within a few minutes Eddie and I were in a full blown conversation about both of our lives. He’s 27, I’m soon to be 71. He opened up to me like no customer service agent had ever. I started by simply asking how his life was going. I told him about my life. He began to cry. Me too. So we’re on the phone originally about a refi on our home. We were both sobbing. I gave him some sage thoughts about meeting your lifetime partner. (He had recently been dumped by his girlfriend). “When you find that person, it will be effortless, no fights, very rare, if any arguments. You will know.” More crying. His parents still love each other. What a blessing. In every way.

Jo C.

How awesome!  It is amazing how a connection will come out of nowhere.   There have been multiple times that I have contacted a rep from one agency or another; and the rep will mention their parent or spouse has dementia.  Well . . . . you can imagine the conversation that ensued.

I tell them about this place, and if they wish, I will email good links re dementia.  Last one was the Blue Cross rep at our insurance contact number.   It was a good and productive sharing.

You really helped that person with good and sage advice; you probably made a huge differenee not only in his day, but perhaps also in other ways.

We never know; litte miracles do happen when we least expect them.

J.

sixcats

Hi aod326

Got many posts in response to my post. I was reading through all of them today. Yours just impacted me so much. What an amazing person you are. So very strong. And you have great suggestions for how to carry on. Your husband passed at 60? I’m so sorry for your loss. Way too young. When my spouse started having significant changes in behavior at age 60 I was in denial for quite some time. Things got worse. Way worse. He lost his career, his life with me, his mind, etc. I am so moved by your experience, I can’t even express.