Topic of GUILT

Whyzit

Much has been written on this site about GUILT. Today I read this by Carolyn Hax in the Washington Post. 

“Guilt is a transaction. People can schedule all the guilt trips for you they please, but you’re the one who chooses whether to go on them. You can also choose not to, always—not to feel guilt, not to agree you have anything to feel guilty about, not to change your approach under anyone else’s pressure.”

Freeing thought? What is your take on this?

Ed1937

While I think attitude is something that can have a great benefit in many circumstances, I can't see it (guilt) being avoided much of the time. Looking forward to see other responses.

Ed1937

Carolyn Hanley Hax is an American writer and columnist for The Washington Post and author of the advice column Carolyn Hax. The column debuted in 1997 and is published daily and syndicated by The Washington Post Syndicate to more than 200 newspapers. Wikipedia 

LadyTexan

I think the statement is partly true. 

• I can choose not to take the guilt trip if I do not meet someone else's expectations.
• If I do not meet my own expectations of myself, I will likely feel guilty.

Jo C.

For many of us, in one way or another; guilt is an unwanted dynamic on this journey.

I think that when we feel that way, it is helpful to not think of such feelings as guilt - but more as regret.

Regret to replace the word, "guilt."  Kinder to ourselves by far and often far more accurately represents what really "is."

J.

aod326

Interesting question. I rarely feel guilt, because I feel it's a futile emotion. My mantra is "do it, or don't do it; but don't do it (or not do it) and then feel guilty about it."  That's been my philosophy for >40 years, stemming from when my older sister would eat a piece of cake and then say she felt guilty about it. (Eat the cake, or don't eat the cake; but don't eat the cake and then feel guilty about it!) I know that is trivial example, compared with all the things people express guilt about. 

I regret things sometimes - when I could have chosen kinder words, wish I'd taken a different approach - although hopefully noticing that makes me think harder next time.

I don't feel any guilt about how I cared for my DH, including when I placed him in MC. There were many times when I felt terrible that I'd been impatient with him, or resentful; but I'd always tell myself to do better next time. It didn't always work - I was impatient with him on many occasions! - but, in my mind, there's no point in feeling guilty because I couldn't change what I'd done. All I could change is what I did next time.  

I wish I'd known sooner that he had dementia, not just the epilepsy that came out of nowhere, because I could have used some of the tips and tricks I learned here. But I don't feel guilty, because I didn't know, in spite of all my efforts to find out what was happening.

I hate, to my core, what dementia did to my kind, funny, intelligent, sexy partner; so it's definitely not that I don't care. But I do think we can choose whether or not to feel guilty.

Stuck in the middle

I didn't read the Hax column but it sounds like she is talking about people using guilt to manipulate others.  You can choose to not let that happen to you.  "If you loved me, you'd do _____."  "If you loved me, you wouldn't ask me to do _______ in the back seat of a Chevy."

Self-inflicted guilt is harder to deal with.  I try to use a little logic with myself.  If I had deliberately or recklessly injured my wife and she had brain damage, I would feel guilt because I caused the problem.  If her mental disorder was the result of something I could fix, and I didn't fix it, I would feel guilt.  If I didn't cause it and can't fix it, it's not my fault and I am not going to feel guilt about it.

You can argue yourself out of a lot of guilt feelings.  Just imagine you're pleading your case with St. Peter.  When he says "What about that night in Vegas" I'll say "Well, look at all the times I gave blood."

McCott

I think how a person was raised has a lot to do with chronic feelings of guilt.  I have been upset for 40 years (for very good reasons) about the person my sister married.  And I can explain exactly what I did to accidentally cause them to meet, even though I was 3,000 miles away and had never met him until years after they got married.  No one was invited, they went to city hall. But on some level, it feels as if it is my fault and I cannot forgive myself.  If I had done something differently (like what, I wonder?), perhaps they would never have met.

 Raised Catholic, we had to start confessing sins around age 7, and that was preceded by "examination of conscience," whereby seven year olds were taught how to scrutinize themselves to identify their failings and how whatever they might have done (without knowing it would turn out to be 'wrong') contributed to bad outcomes for everyone around them and ultimately for everything wrong with any situation to which you might have had a tangential link.  Once you've been heavily indoctrinated into such "guilt trips" -- from ages seven to twenty in my case -- it is a deeply ingrained part of your mindset and a big part of how you react to everyday events.  

The causal links you learn to identify can be tenuous, exiguous and even ridiculous, but for the chronically guilty, you are always holding yourself accountable for things that, really, were not your fault at all. I have had therapists literally laugh at me because of my heavy  duty guilt tripping, which doesn't seem like the right response on their part.  But then of course, IT WAS MY FAULT for telling them how I actually think, and they had every right to laugh -- it was not their fault, it was my fault, and it was indeed laughable.  I could go on but basta cosi. (By the way Italian Catholics don't have these issues -- it is Irish Catholics who have made it into a dark art form.)

Cynbar

I think part of the problem is that everyone here has some things to feel guilty about --- or at least I know I do, I shouldn't speak for all of you! I work really hard at taking care of my DH and keeping him at home, but there have been times when I have been short tempered, or said something I shouldn't, or gone into the bedroom with the door shut because I just couldn't stand the same question one more time. Those times luckily are in the vast minority, but they are the ones I remember and ruminate over. Caregiving is so hard, so exhausting, so draining. And because I am home so much, I am alone with my thoughts, which exacerbates the whole thing. And there is no one to pat me on the back and tell me I'm doing a good job. I do and I will try to resolve to do better next time. Otherwise I guess I'll just continue to feel guilty.

Stuck in the middle

You're a strong woman, Mary.  I would literally killed myself in my teens if I had been abused in that fashion.

I think you have done your penance for your sister's marriage.  I have forgiven myself for failing to prevent my youngest brother's disastrous marriage, and I hope you can do the same.

Stuck in the middle

You're doing  good job, Cynbar.  Please accept a virtual pat on the back.  And please forgive yourself for being a human being instead of an AI robot.

Paris20

I just posted a reply to a question about repetitive behaviors. I wrote that when my husband repeats the same behavior countless times it drives me nuts. Despite what I know I should do and say there are times when I become so exasperated that I lose my temper. Then I feel guilty. Sometimes knowing what’s right is not what we do. I forgive myself because I know I’m only human. When you’re caring for a LO with Alzheimer’s, it’s a 24/7 commitment. No wonder I screw up at times.

jfkoc

I have always associated guilt with having done something knowingly.

Regret is entirely different. I have a bucket of regrets. A big one is looking back at how I could have been a better caregiver but I realize that I now have so much more education on being a caregiver. How can that make me feel quilt.if I was doing my best?