Forgetting Us

M1

The latest painful thing is that my partner has lost our personal history, and keeps asking questions about it, because she wants to know:  How did we meet?  Were you married before?  There was a long history with my ex (because of young children) whom she hated, and now she doesn't remember any of it.  And there's much of it I don't want to talk about and revisit.  That frustrates her.  Guess I could make stuff up--but I'm not inclined to do that.  I know this is not unique, and many spouses get to the point of no recognition.  But the gradual loss of our history and her attempts to retrieve it sting a bit.  It's not just short-term memory, this is thirty years of our lives that are gone.  I dread the point of her not knowing who I am.  She could easily be one of those who tries to throw me out of the house (witness recent driving arguments).

Ed1937

M1, I'm sorry you are going through that. That has to be one of the hardest things about this disease. Sometimes my wife will look at the dog, and ask "Whose dog is that?" If I tell her it's Gracie, she at times says "No it's not". And I'm also wondering how long it will be before she doesn't know me or our kids.

Crushed

It has been over three years since I realized DW did not know me or our children. It was very very painful . That was when I stopped thinking of us as being married and thought of her as a loved one for whom I was totally responsible

JoseyWales

This is where we're at, too. DH wants to know how we met, if my parents are still alive, do I have any children, where I live, and asks me to marry him over and over. Of course, I've discovered that he only wants to marry me so that I'll sleep with him. Just not so romantic once I figured that out.

It's hard. I can only wait for him to stop asking the questions so I don't have to revisit it so often. I admit, that I now have routine answers that pretty much stop the discussion. It's just too hard to do over and over.

Cynbar

M1, this has been one of the hardest things for me to adjust to. My DH seems to have forgotten all of our shared history. I'll get a reminder about something from our past, perhaps a song or event that was important to us , I'll reminisce and I get absolutely nothing back. All the inside jokes, the favorite pastimes, the fun times have disappeared from his mind. Pictures do absolutely nothing to help him. He doesn't question me about it, he doesn't address it at all. Strangely, he does retain some memories from his childhood. His body is here, and he looks like the husband I used to have it, but that's it. This is probably the loneliest feeling I have ever had.

JoseyWales

I miss those inside jokes, too.

Jeff86

What a sorrowful place to have arrived at, M1.  I am so sorry.

DW and I spent a miserable half hour last night with her repeatedly asking me where her husband is.  I know better than to try to persuade her, in such moments, that I am her husband.  So we went off to fiblet land, and I said he was at work but would come home when he finishes.  (DW would not know it was Sunday, would not know it was evening.). It didn’t work, as DW wanted us to go to his office to see him.  I said he couldn’t be disturbed at work but would soon be home.  She asked again where he is.  Round and round, wash rinse repeat, till I finally distracted her with dinner.

Flipping this around, it’s hard for me to feel like the rightful husband in such circumstances.  But it’s not just the on-again off-again non-recognition of my DW that makes me feel that way.  DW is so dependent, so incapable of doing things for herself, so much no longer the person she once was.  She is still my wife, but marriage is a legal construct.  The relationship is utterly, irreversibly changed.

The loss is profound, as is the ache in my heart.

Quilting brings calm

Cynbar 

I’ve always heard that memory loss in dementia is the last in, first out method.  Kind of goes along with your comment that the childhood memories still exist while later ones are gone.

Cynbar

Quilting brings calm wrote:

Cynbar 

I’ve always heard that memory loss in dementia is the last in, first out method.  Kind of goes along with your comment that the childhood memories still exist while later ones are gone.

Interesting. My DH has recently been locked in his childhood, which had some challenges but was mostly happy. He often talks about his mother, who was fairly strict, will say he has to call her and tell her where he is, for instance. I got around that by saying I would call her, which he buys since he has trouble using the phone (he's legally blind.) But then we started with a new issue. As evenings progressed, he would say he had to go home, his mother would never let him stay overnight at a girl's house. I thought I was handling that with various fiblets, until he fell down the stairs at 2 AM trying to get home to his mother. He's now in short term rehab, not doing well despite no serious injuries. Sigh. This journey is so hard.

Sorry to hijack this thread, we can now go back to discussing the truly heartbreaking loss of shared history

Rescue mom

My DH also lost our history, along with the inside jokes and little phrases that meant something to us. He still recognizes me, and his children, and even a couple friends of 50 years.  but doesn’t remember “why.”

He remembers nothing about the grandchildren, or anything much in last 20-30 years. He never asks about any of them—new or old, friends or family, dead or alive— just if their name comes up or they show up, he may smile or say a couple words. 

Not much, actually no, real conversation here either. We had so much travel around the world, no memory at all. Nor our wedding (which was unusual for here), little of his work (only very early) and none of mine. Etc etc.

I could have written Cynbar’s post. Mine also remembers his childhood well.  I’ve always been told the oldest memories are the last to go, and I believe it.

Mine has no interest, none, in old photos. He’d walk away (He’s rarely actively hostile).

But my DH never asks any questions about in the past. You can tell him something about longtime,  emotionally important, people/events and he may listen, but not interested. He also may walk away. I don’t know if he knows he doesn’t know. (Which probably doesn’t make sense but you know..)

Doityourselfer

My husband doesn't know who I am most of the time these days.  I asked him if he's married and he said No.   He's in the severe stage of Alzheimer's so this doesn't surprise me nor is it heartbreaking.  I've been expecting it.

Beachfan

I am right there with "DIY" and some of  "Rescue Mom's " observations.  My DH forgot about us so long ago, it's hard to remember when he forgot..... now, who has the Alzheimer's?  He never mentions marriage, having a wife, who our children/grandchildren are, his childhood, parents, siblings, friends, nothing .  He's just here, in a fog most of the time.  Last night, I said, "Ty is coming on Saturday." (Our oldest son.)  No response.  I said, "Do you know who Ty is?"  He said, "Ty, from Christmas???"  (That came out of nowhere. We see our two oldest kids and 7 of nine grandkids almost daily.)  People often ask me if he knows who I am.  I always reply, "No, he just knows I am supposed to be around."  I think he is most "familiar" with me; I am such a part of his routine and always approach things with the same movements and language that it is ingrained.  He is so progressed that he would allow anyone to care for him or would go with anyone if they take his hand.  I am over the hurt and the sadness that losing our history has inflicted.  Now, it's just survival mode, routine, day to day.  I think that's why placement does not terrify or worry me.  He would be fine anywhere with any caregiver; I would miss his presence, but "he" is long gone.     I  have been missing him since May, 2010.

Stuck in the middle

you don't bring me flowers song - Bing