Placing HWD in a facility

M4family

It's been a hard few months but I'm finally placing my HWD in MC.  Unfortunately it is in another city not too far but they were the only place that would even try to take on the behavior issues without me having to pay for private care within the facility.  I would be interested in hearing words of advise as we transition to this next step from those who have placed LOs.  Especially those that still recognize family, can participate in some conversation, but just keep running away from home.  I as his spouse and caregiver am the trigger most of the time and I just can't take it, raise kids and work full time.  Thanks.

M1

No advice as I haven't been there yet, but I wish you luck. See preceding thread about : no guilt. Hope it works out well for all of you. Deep breath, and hope you can get some rest.

Nowhere

Our stories are similar as I’m considered a trigger to my husband. He has been placed over an hour away at his second facility. My only advice is to tell you I understand your need to place him and support your decision. It is a difficult choice to make when a brain compromised spouse has language, social skills, and most ADLs in place. I have not seen my husband for several months, rather our daughter visits, zooms, and emails with him instead of me. He has formed a close relationship with a female resident who he sometimes believes is me. They are now roommates. This is positive, as it is the only thing that prevents him from breaking windows trying to get out of “prison”. I am grieving though - in some weird state of mourning an ambiguous loss. I thought placing him would be a relief, but it isn’t. It’s just that it’s possible for me to cope with his paranoia and delusions now. I miss and love who he was everyday. I feel so sad for his loss of our home snd guilt over letting go of watching out for him. He hated that I was so controlling. His brain cannot see he has zero working memory or executive reasoning ability. He is in advanced dementia but still social and physically fit. 

abc123

Dear M4 and  Nowhere, 

I wish I had some wise suggestions and advice that would help you both. I can only acknowledge your pain. I am truly sorry and sad for you. I hope you can find peace. 

dayn2nite2

Priority #1 is safety for him.  With a wanderer, sometimes the only way is in a facility where there are other people who only work 8-hour shifts who can keep our LO safe.

Another priority is your health.  This board has tale after tale of a spouse who became ill or injured while being a caregiver.  You are juggling lots of things, and something has to give here.  The facility takes one thing off your plate.

He will adjust.  It may take some months but he will.

Ed1937

I agree with the last post. There are times when placement is necessary. This seems to be one of those times. I'm sorry.

M4family

Thank you for the support. I hate that we have had to come together under this circumstance but I'm so grateful to know I'm not alone.  It is the only thing that keeps me going some days, knowing that I have this group; and that there are others facing or have faced similar situations in their journey.  You are in my heart always.