How to deliver bad news that will be forgotten

Paris20

I just learned that my 11 1/2 year old beagle is dying of cancer. Despite surgery and chemo, which she tolerated very well, the cancer has returned. She has about six months to live. I told my husband. He adores the dog and was very upset to hear the news. However, a few moments later, he asked me what was wrong since I was still teary. I had to tell him again. This has happened every few minutes today and each time the act of repeating the bad news upsets me terribly. I am trying to hold things together and even hide my emotions but my DH knows me well and is certainly aware of my sadness. However, if I have to say our dog is dying one more time, I will break out in tears yet again. Am I doing something wrong?

JoseyWales

I'm so sorry about your dog. That's hard. And to have to tell your DH every 5 minutes is even harder.

I had something happen to me last week that upset me, and made me cry, which is rare. DH knew I was upset, and I made the mistake of telling him. He was then obsessed over the problem for hours. Actually, obsessed that there WAS a problem, but he couldn't remember what it was so he bugged me to tell him again.

He finally forgot later that evening, and hasn't asked since. I haven't mentioned it again. If I was in your place, I wouldn't mention it to him again. I know that you'll eventually have to deal with the death of your dear dog, but that's for another day.

Buggsroo

Hi Paris,

I am sorry about your dog, that is rough. Also telling your husband is difficult because he forgets. 

I have been going through the same thing with mine, he asks me where his sisters are and they are dead. I now don’t bring it up unless he does. I realize I am on my own when it comes to my pets or loved ones passing. 

Perhaps you could talk to a close friend or family member about your dog. You need comfort too. I am on the phone to my mom a lot, believe me.

Ed1937

Paris, I'm sorry you have to deal with this. If you have to give him an answer, I think you should tell him that you were just thinking about something that happened a long time ago. When you give him the truth, it only upsets him every time. 

My wife frequently wants me to take her to her grandparent's house. If living, they would be at least 120 years old. I just tell her I can't take her because my medication needs to be kept between 38 and 42 degrees, and there is no way I can do that when driving that far. I never tell her they are deceased.

abc123

Paris, I am sorry about your pet. They bring so much love to our hearts. You will miss him terribly. This is indeed sad news. Honestly, I see no reason to keep telling your husband bad/sad news of any kind. This is where white lies/fiblets come into play. Each time you tell him, the pain is new and fresh and raw. I do realize how hard it is to have to lie to your husband but it is done to protect him. He will continue to forget things. Would you tell him all the capabilities he has lost? If so, how many times would you remind him of it? There is nothing easy about this disease and things continue to go south on a daily basis. I am sorry. I wish you the best.

Jude4037

My husband wants to go visit his parents who would be 109 &113. I used to tell him they were gone but it made him sad. So now I say we can’t because they aren’t home and then try to relate a happy memory of them. 

I’d say that you had a head ache and weren’t feeling great to explain your sadness.

 When you do lose your dog you will probably have him looking for her and she’ll have to be at the groomers. A friend, whose husband had AD , who had lost their dog kept the bed with some toys in it to cover her fib but once she took the bed away, he quit asking about the dog. It’s going to be difficult for you in many ways because I’m sure your dog is a comfort to you and will be irreplaceable. Our pets are part of our families and as we get older and our children aren’t dependent on us any longer they take on a whole new role. I used to tell people who would comment on our dog, that if we had had her 20 yrs ago she’d been a dog but she is much more than that now. Our dog is 13 and for her breed that is considered old. My husband will sit close to her and whisper sweet things even though he has been calling me nasty names. I’m not sure who will miss her more when her time is up. You’ll be in my thoughts, you are doing the best you can by both of them.

David J

I am in exactly the same place; our dog has an aggressive oral cancer that has metastasized to the jaw. The vet says a few months, maybe up to a year left. I did not tell my wife.

Lorita

Sad news about our dog - it's hard to lose a family pet and friend.  I agree with the others - don't mention it again to your husband.  It will make him feel bad and sad and he won't remember but if you keep telling him, each time it's a new sadness for him.  Ed's suggestion was right-on. 

 Chances are when you do lose your dog, he may not notice.  When Charles was in the throes of dementia, we lose a couple of our poodles.  He never noticed they were gone - maybe because we had others.  I know how sad you are - I've been there so many times.

 David, I'm also sorry about what's happening to your dog - they're our friends and we hate to see them hurt.  Just enjoy being with him while you have him.

mrsbob

I don't deliver bad news.  It's just not worth it.  Two years ago his beloved dog died, I never told him.  Several close friends have passed.  He still doesn't know. I

For me it just upsets me terrible and he won't remember two minutes from now. That may not work for everyone but it does for me.