High stress, breathing, and a plan

Ed1937

I should be ashamed of myself for posting this when I see what Lady T is going through. And there are others who have it very much worse than I do. Nevertheless, stress is very real, no matter the underlying causes.

The night before last, I was able to talk my wife into changing her incontinence underwear before going to bed. But sometime in the middle of the night, she soaked the bed. I tried to get her up so I could change the bedding, but she was not about to get up. No way! So I pulled the corners of the fitted sheet loose, thinking that would get her out of bed. Nope. She just pulled the wet sheet over her. It wound up that I actually pulled her out of bed, and told her to sit on the potty chair until I got the bed ready. She was not going to sit, but was going in the other room, soaking wet. I pulled her back into the bedroom, and told her to sit again. Nope! So I pushed her back until her legs were against the potty chair, then pushed a little more to force her to sit. I started to pull the sheets off the bed, when she got up again. Once again I used the same tactics to force her to sit. By now, I'm losing it!! But I managed to get the bed fixed, got her changed, and she got back into bed, and immediately fell asleep. I, however, could not sleep, wondering if/how I could handle this in the future.

Yesterday I was in high stress mode all day long. I don't want to place her in a facility, if possible. Late yesterday afternoon I texted our daughter, and asked her to call her mother when we were going to bed, to have her change. And my plan if she wet the bed again, was to let her sleep, and I'd go to sleep in the Lazy Boy, which was only about 15 feet from our bed, in the adjoining room. I did several breathing exercises yesterday, and that with the plan took a lot of the stress off of me. So if you have a stressful situation, see if there is a possible plan to put in place. There might be, and it really helped me a lot.

Last night was totally different. Daughter called at bedtime to have her change. Two minutes, tops! We went to bed, and she did not wet the bed all night long. I woke up in a very different mental state today. Then she had a fecal problem in the bathroom. But that's a different story, and I can handle that.

June45

By any caregiver's standards that was a very stressful situation.  And then the next day of course our LO's will cooperate and every thing goes relatively smoothly.   But if the stressful events happen more than not, it will become too much.  I am currently looking at MC's. I am kind of like Dorothy on Golden Girls. I keep the brochures of Shady Pines in my drawer and dream of being free.

P.S. Good plan you had ahead of the next night.  I can see where that would help get the stress under control.

Amy-n-Joe

Good recommendations.  Having a plan is important, although as you found out, there will always be something unexpected for which you now have to come up with a plan for the next time.

I thought I would share a couple things my therapist told me about for dealing with the stress.  For me it was after I put my husband in assisted living, but I did not really start using them until after he passed last week.

One is also a breathing technique called "sigh breathing."  Through your nose, you breath in deeply for 2 counts, then breath out slowly for as long as you can.  This creates the physiological response to being out of danger or stress and helps to relieve the effects of stress on your body.

The other is taking l-theanine.  This is an amino acid that helps relieve anxiety and stress.  I have found this works very well. 

LadyTexan

Ed, please don't ever be ashamed. As the mayor, you know that on any given day, we each are faced with unexpected challenges. The challenges are stressful! Some days, I am so edgy that a pee on the toilet seat and a dirty towel on the floor spikes my anxiety. Other days, the grass could be knee deep and unless I get a citation from the city, it doesn't bother me a bit.

Having a plan really made a difference for you. I am glad to hear it. I need to try to implement something like that here. Wouldn't it be great if this disease came with a manual full of decision trees to guide us? For example, 

1. Challenge: DH is walking around inside the house naked - 

• Is he in danger? No
• Is he in pain? No
• Is he happy? Yes
• Instruction: do nothing.
• Bonus: Be grateful that he can still walk.

Alas, there is nothing like that that I am aware of.

I am sorry you are facing such resistance from your lovely wife. I am grateful that your daughter can work her magic to get you some relief. 

When I brought DH home from the psych hospital, I knew I was taking a risk. I suspect that someday, I will have to place my husband. In my heart, I know we are on borrowed time for him being home. I will make the most of it, but I will also set objective criteria for when to pursue placement. 

May I kindly suggest, please do NOT compare your situation to what others are going through. Especially me. Everything that I am experiencing now, I brought on myself when I made the decision to bring DH home.

You are such a valuable member of this forum. I am grateful for you. Best wishes for a better day.

jfkoc

Now it the time to get your bed ready.....layer up.

Start with a water proof layer.....top and sides. Fitted sheet > a waterproof pad under your wife's side ( I used a crib pad) >another fitted sheet (crib pad cut in 1/2 > another pad (crib sheet cut in 1/2). You can do as many layers as needed. When there is an accident you just roll your wife over or have her stand up an peel off a layer. No changing, just peeling.

Most important...protect the mattress!!!!

Ed1937

jfkoc wrote:

Now it the time to get your bed ready.....layer up.

Start with a water proof layer.....top and sides. Fitted sheet > a waterproof pad under your wife's side ( I used a crib pad) >another fitted sheet (crib pad cut in 1/2 > another pad (crib sheet cut in 1/2). You can do as many layers as needed. When there is an accident you just roll your wife over or have her stand up an peel off a layer. No changing, just peeling.

Most important...protect the mattress!!!!

Waaaaaay ahead of you. It takes about 1 minute to have the bed back to where you can sleep in it, unless you get resistance.

Ed1937

Lady, I fully agree with your way of thinking. If it doesn't hurt anything, let it go. 

Our daughter asked me why I didn't call her in the middle of the night. That's not gonna happen unless it's something very important. She has her own problems, and she wants to handle things for me too. She's a keeper.

I hope things get a little easier to handle for you. Thanks!

Doityourselfer

Ed, your wife is very fortunate to have you as her caregiver.  It's always best to be a step ahead in a caregiving role.  Breathing and briefly stepping away from a difficult situation always helps me carry on.

60 falcon

You're doing a great job, Ed. You're also right... The stress is real.  It seems so many of us are dealing with the same or similar issues. Our bed is also layered up. About a week ago I almost went and bought a couple of twin beds.  I was so frustrated and ticked-off. When I get like that my word filter is gone and things just get worse. Lady T, I agree and have said many times that some kind of manual would sure be nice at times.  Three years ago I thought things were getting difficult, little did I know.

amicrazytoo

Oh Ed, I'm so sorry you had such a difficult night. You handled as well as anyone could. So glad your daughter has a calming effect on your DW.  The stress at times is unbearable, but we carry on, one foot in front of the other.  Hoping today and the weekend can be repeat performances of last night with help from your daughter.

M1

Ed, you so rarely complain, you are a trooper.  And LT is right, we can't compare situation to situation:  they are ALL difficult, and sad, and painful.  It's wonderful that your daughter has that "magic touch," whatever it is--interesting, isn't it?

Hang in there.  I'm impressed that y'all are still sleeping together, frankly.  We haven't been able to do that in years--but my issue, not hers, I'm a very light sleeper and chronic insomniac.  I'd never survive a wet bed.

You are always so supportive of the rest of us, glad we can return the favor on occasion.

Beachfan

Ed, I'm so sorry you had such a bad night.  Hope it was a fluke and things will calm down now.  I always tell my grandkids: "Nothing good ever happens after midnight."  How true! I am so smug, boasting how DH is easily managed, BUT!!!! when he is tired or groggy, ie, middle of the night, there is no easy management.  Thankfully, it doesn't happen often, but he can be stubborn as a mule and I feel like I am wrestling with a wolverine to get him to comply.  We have not (yet) had the bedwetting issue, but I'm sure it's on the horizon and as you pointed out, layering and preparation are great, but when the perpetrator decides not to cooperate, game over.  And by the way, your daughter should be nominated for sainthood!!  Hope things are better going forward!

Battlebuddy

   Ed, I’m sorry for the issues you are facing. I always say I’m going to be more patient and speak softly and not show any frustration to DH in just this situation , but in the moment the stress levels can get to us. 

    I called my first memory care, and they asked why I was thinking of placing and I had to say because he won’t let me care for him. I would do it poop on the stoop and all of he would just cooperate a little more! 

   So hard. Hang in there. Hoping tomorrow is  better for you if

Ed1937

Thank you for all the support, everyone. It means a lot.

ButterflyWings

(((Ed1937))) I am late to the forum and this thread after a long week. Mainly catching up from the prior 2-3 weeks of UTI-induced drama. 

Anyway, I am sorry for the high stress you had to navigate the other night, so glad for the reminder to breathe in the thick of things (or as soon afterward that we can remember to do that intentional breathing, healthy helpful stress reduction technique), and the planning confirmation.

I have not yet layered up and do not know what I'm waiting for, except that when in the midst of sustained high stress reacting and/or trying hard to stay one step ahead of dementia, some priorities just can't fit on the plate - even in our 36+hour days. I need to get on it.

Joining everyone here in saying you are such a wonderful caregiver to your DW and a valued resource and support to so many here. Glad to return the encouragement, positive feedback and well-wishes to you in return. I can imagine some of the stress is being tired at end of day as well as feeling bad about losing patience with behavior that few people outside of dementia caregivers could tolerate for even a short while. 

I have been there (more than once!) in the last few years. Even now in Stage 6c, I sometimes catch myself giving a super stern look and equally sharp response or directive to DH when he's being particularly belligerent. Voice has been raised a few times too though not often as in "CUT IT OUT!", but the first time I lost it with him post-diagnosis, I felt horrible! Since then though, I've also noticed sometimes that's the only thing that snaps him out of a rant and gets him to comply. 

And lo and behold, while I'm feeling horrible that I didn't handle a situation "better", he either forgets it within a few minutes, or interestingly tells me about that really cranky lady that was just here telling him to do so and so. (That is so weird to me but it is consistently the way he processes if I lose my temper/patience with him. Doesn't happen a lot (that he knows of) but when it does he sees me as literally a different person. And OK, I'll take it!). My point is, I do hope you will try not to beat yourself up when your incredibly thoughtful and patient way with your DW slips a bit. The scenario you went through the other night was super challenging and stressful and I agree you handled it far better than many could (me included).

I hope the dry spell has continued and that solutions and plans work well. You are a treasure.