Are certain phone calls helpful or not?

JayP

My mom, probably stage 6, lives in a board and care home and it is wonderful for her situation.  I (daughter) live close by. I see her a couple times a week and we speak on the phone daily (sometimes several times a day when she is agitated.) 

Mom receives the occasional phone call from her long distance sister and she manages fine with that.  But on very rare occasions, she receives a call from a family member "out of the blue".  (Her caregiver keeps me informed.)  Then I notice that in the days following these calls, mom is much more agitated and more confused than usual, which in turn results in more frequent calls to me.  I am usually able to reassure her and it helps calm her down when I talk with her.  My question for anyone with a similar situation - Are phone calls like these helpful or hurtful to mom's state of mind? I believe the callers mean well, wanting to stay in touch, or in some cases, relieving their own sense of guilt for the infrequent communication.  

Marta

What do you think?  Go with your gut. 

Real question is:  what will you do about those calls?

abc123

It wouldn’t matter to me what their intentions are with their calls. I’d put a stop to them. If something upsets her, it’s not good for her, you, her caregivers and the other residents. Good luck!

rdijulio

My father has dementia and lives in an assisted living facility.  I usually see him a couple of times a week and talk to him on the phone although he's hard of hearing so phone conversations are difficult.  My mom passed away in February of 2020 and my father still does not remember her passing.  He calls me on the phone looking for her every single day.  Sometimes he will call 18-20 times within an hour with the same question over and over - where is my wife?

I have tried everything to telling him the truth(which often times he won't believe and yells at me) to lying and saying I don't know where she is.  Many times I get woken up in the middle of the night with a phone call or it begins at 5:30 AM and continues all day.

I am feeling incredibly frustrated with these calls - any thoughts on how to hand differently?

Regina

LaurenB

For all who are receiving excessive phone calls...1. is your person in a safe location? 2. if yes, block their numbers during the hours that you don't want to be disturbed and then unblock it during the other times.  Let the staff handle them and continue doing the best you can.  It's really a difficult road we are on.

Lauren

BassetHoundAnn

rdijulio wrote:

My father has dementia and lives in an assisted living facility.  I usually see him a couple of times a week and talk to him on the phone although he's hard of hearing so phone conversations are difficult.  My mom passed away in February of 2020 and my father still does not remember her passing.  He calls me on the phone looking for her every single day.  Sometimes he will call 18-20 times within an hour with the same question over and over - where is my wife?

I have tried everything to telling him the truth(which often times he won't believe and yells at me) to lying and saying I don't know where she is.  Many times I get woken up in the middle of the night with a phone call or it begins at 5:30 AM and continues all day.

I am feeling incredibly frustrated with these calls - any thoughts on how to hand differently?

Regina

Hi, Regina! Welcome to the forum. You'll find a lot of great advice and wisdom here. I sometimes get 18-20 calls an hour from my mom. I hated to do it but I put a block on her calls. Occasionally I remove the block but then the calls start up again. My DH does not approve and feels I'm being cold-hearted, but I psychologically cannot deal with all those calls. Her sisters also put blocks on her calls. I visit her nearly every day at her AL facility and maybe I'm misjudging the situation but it seems like she's more settled, more apt to socialize and get out of her apartment when she can't phone me every few minutes. It's a tough situation. When I signed up here a year ago other members suggested I block her calls when the calling was getting out of hand. I'm sure others will weigh in on the best way to handle this problem. Good luck! It's a hard problem  to deal with. 

Mint

My mom becomes more agitated when anyone other than me talks with her in person or on phone.  Slowly, slowly fewer people for her to communicate with. Has been very stressful for me.  At same time do feel sorry for her.  Some days I do receive several phone calls.  For me, I’m ok with that as I’m sure she is lonely and needs to talk but don’t get as many calls as you do yet.

Cynbar

At this point, it is all about comfort for your mom ---- focus on that. Trust your instincts. If a relative's calls upset her, ask that person not to call. Don't worry for a moment that the relative might be hurt or offended, it's not about her or him. Your mom can't tell you why this upsets her,  but for some reason it does. Be her advocate and stop the calls.

Quilting brings calm

My parents are in assisted living.   Mom is the one with dementia and has a walker. Dad has physical issues.  Dad still drives and now that Covid is gone, they find somewhere  to go daily. So much that the director worries about them. Some weeks I’m there 3 times, others once. 

I get a similar number of calls from my mom that you do ( multiple when agitated) and I try calling her daily. Although some days I just can’t force myself to make the call.  She’s not as far along as your Mom, but she’s reached the point where she cries about everything and obsesses  about every little ache.  Even after the doctor tells her she’s fine.   So most of our phone calls end with me rapidly getting off the phone after she starts and continues  crying.  I’m convinced my own phone calls are stressful for her. 

Over the last  few months, long lost ( because they wanted to be) step siblings have shown up ( they are local) and Dad drags Mom over to their homes multiple times a week. The constant socializing is stressful for her.  But Dad  won’t listen. She’s probably a late stage 4/early stage 5 with vascular dementia. 

Having said all that just so you know I understand what page you are on …..If she still has a phone, can you block the phone numbers you want to block?  If they are calling the common phone, can you give the director a list of approved callers. The rest can be deflected with ‘ she’s unavailable right now….’

You might try explaining to these occasional callers that your Mom is at the stage where she gets upset because she doesn’t really recognize them. And not to call her because she is only comfortable talking to a small subset of people, 

Ellie4

This is so hard. My mom called and called because she thought she was in a hotel, wanted her car keys, wanted to tell me we (her children) had betrayed her. Always angry and emotional. Really bad for my sister and I with all the calls. Unable to reason, reassure or understand due to disease. Memory care set up her phone so she got a dial tone and could dial out but call just went to a busy signal. She could receive our daily incoming calls. This turned out to be a lifesaver for us. Definitely relatives should be made aware and go through you.