Trying To Cope(1)

Debbie A. Shifflett

Thanks for letting me join this site. My DH was diagnosed in November 2020 with early stages of Alzheimer's, but i had  suspected it was going on for several years. He's 69 and his Father had it too, but not until his 80's. It's so hard to accept & trying my best to handle keeping up with everything since he can't anymore. He can still drive, but noticed today he's been driving around with a dead inspection sticker on his truck. When i told him about it, he just didn't seem concerned at all. Said, well they're's nothings wrong with it. I told him if he got pulled over, the cop wouldn't care. I stay stressed because everything falls back on me now as far as house repairs & maintenance. I don't know how i'm going to cope when he gets worse? He's on Aricept 5mgs. but don't see where it's slowing anything down. He use to be so active & outgoing & we did things together, but now he just wants to sit & watch TV all day. I miss our life together & feel so lonely.

M1

Hi Debbie, welcome to the forum. Yes it's such a difficult transition when you realize the extent of their losses. It's not just memory, its loss of executive function, and so much more. The apathy you're describing, just wanting to sit around, is pretty typical too. You've come to a good place though, there are lots of folks here to sympathize and to share experience.

When to stop the driving is a tough subject. You might think about letting that expired sticker be a good excuse to intervene if you think you need to. I wouldn't go out of my way to renew it....

Yorklady53

Hi Debbie, and welcome though I wish you didn’t have a reason to be here. 

You’re situation is very much like mine. My DH is 72 and diagnosed this February though last summer it was apparent that he had some sort of dementia. He too started to withdraw and his hobbies didn’t interest him at all. He became standoffish even with old friends, he had no filter and was rude. It became apparent that he shouldn’t be driving in November because I was a nervous wreck anytime we went away together. By the end of November I convinced him to give up driving. Are you at the point that you think your DH shouldn’t be driving? If he has dementia and is in an accident it could cause you tremendous legal issues so be alert to his driving habits.

Do you have family close by that can help you out a bit? If not and you are able to financially swing it get a lawn and snow removal service, sign up for Shipt or another grocery delivery service. Also if you can hire someone to stay with hubby a few hours a week it might help your loneliness just to take an hour or two to meet a friend for lunch or do some shopping.

I feel so badly for you. I truly feel your pain as I could have written your post. This is a great place to come to vent or to just share your sadness. We all understand because we are going through many of the same things.

Hugs to you.

Cynbar

Hi Debbie and welcome. I could have written your post, but a couple of years back. That was an awful time for me, I was forced to take over most of the things he had done as well as continuing with my own responsibilities. I also was coming to terms that the life we had, the retirement we had planned , were over (not sure I'm fully accepting of that yet, may never happen.) I was scared, exhausted and so fearful of the future. The doctors weren't much help, friends and family started to pull away because DH had more and more trouble in a social setting (irritable, no filter, short attention span.) We weren't much fun anymore, so the invitations gradually  stopped. What saved me was finding this site, the only place where everyone understood and sympathized. Read through the posts, ask questions, spend time here. This is a tough journey. Things have progressed with us, I've had to take on more and more, and I'm still not sure how long I can do this. Placement hasn't been necessary yet, I'm still taking it one day at a time.

Two things you must do are get your legal and financial affairs in order. See a certified elder law attorney, get necessary documents done for both of you (will, health care proxy in some states, durable and medical power of attorney.) There was a recent post by a wife who never got these done and now her husband wasn't competent to sign ---- very messy, she was looking into guardianship. The attorney will also help you with future and financial planning, explain the Medicaid process. Some but not all caregivers have to pursue placement for their LO at some point, you need to know how this would work financially and how much of your assets you could protect for yourself. Laws differ from state to state, so only a lawyer in your state can give you accurate info.

Good luck. Most of us here started with no idea of how we were going to do this, but we have persevered and survived.

Debbie A. Shifflett

Unless i hid the keys he would still drive. I don't think he's gotten that bad yet? He hasn't gotten lost when he does go out & is still able to run errands & the Dr. did ask that in April. He would have a fit if i did it now. But later on it might come down to that? Just don't him getting a ticket. 

Thanks, Debbie

Debbie A. Shifflett

Thanks, no i don't think it's at that point yet? We have our med's delivered to our home from our pharmacy in town. He still mows & can do some other things still. He doesn't need anyone to sit with him yet, Thank God!! Our Son still live at home with us & is 36. I just can't get myself out of this depressed mood. I have had depression issues for over 20 yrs. & have chronic pain & 2 back surgeries & pain. Now this has set me back more! My anxiety is awful & get frustrated so easy. Our dog of 12 yrs passed in Jan. & we only knew 2 days before that he had cancer. Found out on a Friday & he passed 2 days later at home. It effected his mood too. Plus my best friend since 1974 passed away from cancer May 28th. & i was there holding her hand at 1:15am that morning alone with her. I just can't process it all & handle him too.

Debbie A. Shifflett

Yes, it has turned my world upside down. All our plans are gone. I need to talk to a lawyer & get things done. Was going to this year, but i've been so depressed with my own health problems that i keep putting off. Our dog passed within 2 days of finding out he had a rare cancer & died here at home with us. My husband was so attached to him, but he's handling it better than me. Then my best friend died May 28th of cancer & i was with her alone holding her hand. I can't do anything mentally yet because i'm so depressed myself, plus i suffer from depression & chronic pain from 2 back surgeries. But i need to get things in order!! 

Thanks for the advice, Debbie