My Mum and Dad

frost589

Hi, my mum was diagnosed with Alzheimers last year although we have known for a while things werent right to be honest. Excuse this strange question but here goes..

My mum and Dad havent been really close for years. My Dad didnt like my mums family at all. All my grandparents have now passed away and my mum and dad always stayed in separate rooms for year. All of a sudden over the last week or so its like my mum and dad have just got married again. They are sleeping in the same bed etc , im 51 and live with them so it can be awkward but is this normal that someone with alzheimers needs that love from her husband again? My mum has always been loving towards me, platonic obviously and dont get me wrong, its nice that my mum and dad get on again rather than argue but i cant help thinking this has come on from my mums condition as my dad said she needs me..

Tdrinker46

I can answer for myself only. My DH was sleeping in separate room before his diagnosis was confirmed.  I asked him to move back to the master because I wanted to be near him as much as possible until he doesn’t remember my name.  We have been married 50+ years.

Cynbar

I think your mum has probably forgotten many of the issues and grievances she had against your father. It's a basic human need to want touching, companionship, etc. As long as she seems happy about it, I wouldn't worry. But if for any reason you feel your dad is pushing her or even forcing her into this newfound closeness, that's another thing entirely. From your post, doesn't sound like that is the case.

Quilting brings calm

There’s a couple of possibilities

1- it is sexual,  Some forms of dementia increase sexual desire and behavior 

2.  Your mom is insecure about sleeping alone.  My parents have had separate bedrooms for years unless they were in a 1 bedroom situation ( camper, 1 bedroom apartment).  We put them in a 2 bedroom apartment in their  ASL last summer because they were having trouble getting along  in the smaller 1 bedroom apartment during the Covid restrictions that kept them from leaving the facility.  Since then, Mom tends to get out of her bed and go to Dads room and sleep with him … because she’s afraid to be alone. Even though they still aren’t really getting along during the daytime. It’s hard to get along with a dementia patient. 

  

frost589

Thank you for all the replies i do appreciate it. I suffer from anxiety,, have done for years and its strange that it makes me anxious seeing them like this, walking in and theyre in the bedroom. I did say to my dad please be wary of me too. Dont get me wrong im happy they are like this, i dont remember ever seeing them like this, maybe thats why i get anxious?  I asked my dad about it and said its a bit uncomfortable seeing you in bed sexually, covered of course and he said we havent been together for 30 years and yoir mum needs me, i can see she does because hes not forceful at all, she is close to him and ultimately i think he will care for her. I suggested me moving out and he got upset and said, i would never want that.

LaurenB

This is normal.  Like the previous responder said, our loved ones are living in a different time.  For example, my mom doesn't always remember being married to my stepdad (20 years).  She tried to shoo him out of the house one night thinking that the kids (my brother and I) would be coming home at any minute.  She also doesn't remember much about our biological dad and doesn't recognize him in pictures.  She's also started talking about a "boyfriend" that she had before going to college.  I've known of his existence, but she's never once mentioned his name until 2 weeks ago.  She was all giddy about him.

harshedbuzz

frost-

The notion that your mom is cozying up to dad after all these years because "she needs him" seems less likely to me.

For one thing, many PWD have a condition called anosognosia which precludes them being able to recognize that they are impaired in any way. Odds are, she doesn't know she "needs his help".

By the time a PWD is diagnosed, their executive function skills would be seriously impaired; this loss tends to precede memory loss IME. Executive function is the problem solving skill set- even if she did appreciate that she has dementia and needs help, she likely couldn't craft and consistently execute a "charm offensive" with a man she fought with for so many years. 

It is possible she has one of the dementias that has increased sexual desire associated with it as a symptom; but that might be accompanied with an increased interest in discussing sexual topics, indiscrete masturbation,  and flirting with others. 

She may be anxious herself and relying on your dad as a security object. It happens, although I would have expected you to be that person as you have enjoyed a better relationship with her over the years. 

It's also possible she is kind of time-traveling. Memory is typically LIFO, she may have forgotten the past hurts and is now living in a time when she got along well enough with your dad to either conceive or adopt you. My dad spent much of the later middle and late stages in the 1960s and 1970s which were a happy time in his life. It was fascinating at times to watch. The man couldn't recall where he was or what he'd had for breakfast, but he would routinely ask to wear ghastly plaid pants he'd owned in the era and once accused me of "stealing a painting of the dancing girls for myself" (the "painting" was a Degas poster that decorated their first apartment when they were young and broke; last I saw it was in the background of a picture of my sister's first birthday in 1961).

If this behavior pains you, I would suggest perhaps medication working with a mental health professional around this anxiety. Dementia is a marathon, not a sprint. Things will get very interesting going forward and for your own comfort having your anxiety managed will make things easier on you.

HB

PS this short read might help you get into your mom's head.

12 pt Understanding the Dementia Experience (dementiacarestrategies.com)

Stuck in the middle

It is not impossible that your father is being nicer to your mother than he has been for a long time.  

Regardless, your mother loving the man she lives with is not a bad thing.  I would try to be happy for her.  

frost589

Is it important she knows she has alzheimers plus i try and get her to go outside to do gardening but sometimes shes quite reluctant, im not sure that matters?

harshedbuzz

Most would agree it's best not to inform of remind of her of her Alzheimer's diagnosis. She likely has some anosognosia and is not able to recognize that she has suffered a major cognitive shift and impairments. In her mind- her reality- she may feel as sharp as ever. To insinuate otherwise will only upset her at best.

It's very common for PWD to lose interest in activities and hobbies they once enjoyed as well as to become more apathetic about things in general.

frost589

Hi all, its been a while since my last post and as we know, its not expected to be good. Mum has been on donepezil since my last post and getting her to tablets is really hard but we do ensure she takes it at night but shes declining. She has no motivation to do anything now, my dad is 80 and retired so he sits watching tv all day pretty much and i Have to work. I have tried to buy her a tablet so we can do crosswords together but she loses interest and even watching tv together she has no real enthusiasm at all.  I help her cook, well i pretty much cook as he has no concept of time.

I find it so sad, its such a cruel disease. I dont really know if theres much more I can do

ButterflyWings

Hi-  very sorry you need to be here with the rest of us on this rocky dementia caregiving ride. 

What you can do? 

- throw out everything you thought you knew. It does not apply with dementia.

- cut your parents and yourself some slack. Just going with the flow is best. 

- learn everything you can about this new reality. It only gets worse but you can survive it.

- apply proven strategies like compassionate care since mom can’t be cured (see link below)

- read the article HB posted, and this: https://www.vha.ca/2021/compassionate-care-strategies-using-the-7-as-of-dementia/

frost589

Thank you, will have a read. Today i cried lots as I have covid so im weak right now, i also suffer from anxiety and mum has a uti so shes like a zombie today, its heartbreaking but im hoping that it will clear up and we will be back to the new normal soon as the doctor has said.

Iris L.

ButterflyWings wrote:

- read.    this: https://www.vha.ca/2021/compassionate-care-strategies-using-the-7-as-of-dementia/

Butterfly Wings, this is a great educational article.  I hope you keep posting it!  It explains what Alzheimer's Disease means, not just memory loss. Caregivers need to be prepared about the realities of AD.  Thanks for posting. 

Iris

frost589

Please could someone advise? I have contracted covid on Monday and since Wednesday my mum has changed overnight, so much more distant. I cant get her to do a covid test she wont put the test up her nostrils, they also think she might have a kidney infection but we cant get her to do the urine test. With regards to Alzheimers/dementia, can it  change a person that much??

SusanB-dil

Oh yes!!    a UTI/kidney infection can definitely make things rather dicey overnight, and that is putting it nicely.  Sometimes a PWD can go back to baseline after the antibiotics start working, but the sooner the better.

so sorry you are dealing with that and your covid on top of that.  ugh!

frost589

Thank you. What scares me most right now, is if she has caught Covid from me, I googled it and its awful how they say there is evidence some damage is permanent but i am just taking each day because each case or most importantly Person is different.

MN Chickadee

Frost I am sorry things are so rough right now. Both Covid and a UTI/Kidney infection could greatly affect her cognition and ability to engage,  my mother experienced both. She had UTI often over the years of dementia and had no other sings other than weird issues, like she fell a lot and slumped over often and then we would know to check for UTI. With covid she seemed ok during the initial days but after a week she became very distant and withdrawn.  Paxlovid was not available when my mother had covid, it is now. Have you contacted your mother's doctor? She may need to be transported to the doctor's office for an examine. Otherwise you may want to see if she qualifies for hospice. They can help check for UTIs and are a great resource when a person reaches the later stage of dementia.

frost589

Hi, my mum , like expected has got worse. I have 2 questions:

1) Shes on donepezil, is there a point where they (doctors etc) think its stops working? eg immune to it perhaps?

2) Shes been diagnosed now with delerium. We have never heard of this before, anyone else have experience of their parents etc having it? She is just getting over a UTI too.

harshedbuzz

@frost589

1) Shes on donepezil, is there a point where they (doctors etc) think its stops working? eg immune to it perhaps?

Donepezil doesn't work for everyone who takes it. For those it does help, it can improve the ability to function day-to-day but doesn't slow the progression of the disease. If it seems to stop working, it is generally stopped.

2) Shes been diagnosed now with delerium. We have never heard of this before, anyone else have experience of their parents etc having it? She is just getting over a UTI too.

Delirium is pretty common under certain circumstances in the elderly-- especially in the elderly with dementia. An injury, hospitalization, surgery or infection are all things that can trigger delirium. In the case of a UTI, most seem to improve once the infection has cleared although not always to the previous baseline. It's important to make sure the specimen was not just tested for a UTI but also cultured so the appropriate antibiotic is used to clear it completely.

HB

Arrowhead

In the almost seven years since diagnosis, my wife has gone through periods of being very romantic and periods where she wanted nothing to do with me. It has changed several times.

frost589

Thanks.

Over the last few weeks we now have carers in once a day, as great as they are, mum has become teary a bit. Im not sure if its the change or just part of alzheimers.

Before the carers came too, she gets up at night and walks round the house which means my dad has hardly any sleep as he has to follow her to make sure shes ok.

Any suggestions?

harshedbuzz

Hi @frost589

Some families have the professional caregiver, or some other family member, come in for an overnight to take care of the wakeful period so the primary caregiver (dad) can get a good night's sleep. A friend whose mom developed a pattern of waking several times in the second half of the night split overnight with her son who was home for a semester before starting grad school. DF would turn in early between 8 and 9pm while her night owl son monitored the phone that was alerted by motion detectors in mom's room. When the son turned in around 2-3, DF would take over the phone. It wasn't perfect, but they got through it. DF had daily caregivers and sometimes napped when they were there.

You could also speak to her doctor about medication to help with the fragmented sleep and the tearfulness.

HB