New to this world- sad and overwhelmed.

FooFightrr

Hello all,

I lost my Mom a couple months ago in her late 80s. She was tack sharp until the day we lost her. My dad and her were married over 70 years. 

He’s been forgetful, here and there, but not overtly so. However, since Mom died, he’s been declining rapidly. Extremely rapidly. I have always lived close to the family place I grew up; we have several children, and it’s always been important to me to have them grow up around my parents. In my 50 years, I never heard either of my parents curse or disagree. I have two sisters, and both were estranged from our parents until the last few years- one still is. 

The other moved into a very old trailer behind the parents house, to “care for” them. What that turned into was freeloading off of mom and dad- they pay no bills, own no assets, and never really worked much, mainly due to drug and alcohol addictions. 

Back in 2015, my mom and dad approached me about their will, and POA. I was naturally sort of reluctant to get any of this established, but afterwards we all felt better. 

I am the only child who has children, and it was my parents wish to make sure the family place was preserved, not sold, and passed on to future generations. My parents decided after a long talk with the attorney to set up a life estate, with me as the remainder  

I’ve never had to use the POA or health directive POA, but I feel like it’s inevitable soon. My dad has refused to go to his routine checkups, and isn’t eating or bathing like he should, since mom passed. I am worried about him, but he also gets around and puddles in the yard and shop every day. 

Lately, he’s been calling me and cursing me out, saying things such as I stole his farm, and calling me a GD liar, screaming, etc. The phone calls happen about four times a week, with most days he will call four or five times, always opening with the same lines- he forgets about the other times he’s called. He’s wanted to give his farm to three or four other people, at this point, and it changes. He will then call the next day and act as if all is well- and when I mention it, he tells me he would never dream of anyone but me and my children inheriting the farm.  He will also ask me to do stuff around the farm, and then gets belligerent afterwards and scream saying he never asked me to. 

My Dad has never spoken to me in a cruel or angry voice in his entire life. 

It hurts worse than I could’ve ever imagined, but I keep telling myself it’s the disease.  

Cookie1364

I am sorry that you are going through such pain and sorrow. I completely understand - been there and have done that. Those sound like the beginnings of dementia - more like Frontal Temporal - because my Mom suffers from that. Her personality completely changed and was extremely hateful towards me and accused me of poisoning her with her blood pressure medication. Your Dad sounds like he is partially angry due to the loss of your sweet Mother- sorry for your loss!  and could be signs of dementia that you may not have realized until the correct setting is there - It happened after my Dad passed and Mom went off the deep end shortly after but realized she had dementia symptoms. It took me 4 1/4 years to get her correctly diagnosed and now she has AZ along with that. Frontal Temporal Dementia affects personality, mood, language- making new memories etc. I would get him checked even if you have to drag him by his ears - saying this with love. They can be stubborn.  Hang in there - we are all fighting our battles and we are not alone.

Cookie1364

Foo Fighter- also wanted to add another small piece of advice: Do not take this personally!! 

it sounds personal and did not believe this in the beginning. I took everything personal- and could not believe that this was her condition doing this. Now we are going into our 7th year in and now on medications which have made her a nicer person. But those things do hurt - but if you can kind of take a step back and realize that this is not really your Dad talking it will save you from some hurt.  HOpe this helped if not. I am sorry - 

FooFightrr

That’s actually very nice. 

Thank you so much, I didn’t realize this disease did this, until I found this site. Thank you for letting me know I am not all alone in how I feel right now. 

Emily 123

I'm sorry for your loss.  

Your mom may have been providing more support than anyone was aware, or perhaps the loss of the daily routine with her has speeded up issues with your dad.  He should seen by his physician, as depression can mimic or exacerbate dementia, and so can a UTI, or thyroid or vitamin deficiency. It's helpful to write a note to give to his physician before the visit, noting the new behaviors.  You may have to use a fiblet to get him to the doctor. 

You're right that it's the disease, not your dad, yelling at you, but it's very hurtful. He isn't remembering your conversations about things around the house.  Since he doesn't remember the conversations, he thinks you're making stuff up or doing things on your own, and he doesn't like it.  As hard as it is, fight the urge to reason, explain, or argue that he's asked you to do something when he doesn't remember it.  You're just spinning your wheels when you try to tell him what's actually happened. 

Having him stick to a consistent daily routine and staying relaxed will help keep things on an even keel. 

This is helpful:

http://www.dementiacarestrategies.com/12_pt_Understanding_the_Dementia_Experience.pdf

M1

Welcome to the forum FF. I agree with Emily that your mother was probably providing "scaffolding" that propped him up and allowed him to function, and now that that's gone the full extent of his disability is more apparent. The accusations of stealing, etc. are a pretty late stage symptom. You may need to investigate whether he's really safe to be alone, if hes not eating or taking meds correctly. I'd check the finances sooner rather than later, also, you don't want him scammed. Sounds like you need to get help in there pretty quickly or consider moving him. You may need an attorney (certified elder care attorney or CELA) to help sort things out-regardless of what he wanted to happen to the property, if you need to sell it to care for him, that should come first.

Good luck.

LaurenB

No additional advice FF, just welcome to a group that "get's it."

Lauren

abc123

I am sorry for the loss of your mother. I agree with the others that she was probably his support system and she covered up his short comings. 

Is your sibling still living on the property? I would be very mindful of siblings. Does your Dad have long term care insurance?

I’m sorry things are so difficult. I wish you well.

rzrbaxfan

Similar situation with my Mom.  She has been known to be quite testy when she is sundowning. Meds make that a little better.  But we still have moments.  Last week, she was awake and turning on lights and banging around. I got up and kindly told her it was night time and she needed to get back to bed.  She said "I hate your guts" before slamming her bedroom door.  I cried and laid in bed awake for hours.  The next morning, I woke her for breakfast.  She said "I love you" and was very thankful for the care she gets with us.  It's a roller coaster.