She's not even here and she's causing me problems!

Ginsamae

We recently relocated MIL to another state for the next year or so due to the upcoming birth of our grandchild (who will live with us) as well as to give DH and I a breather from the day-to-day duties of caring for a person with dementia.

We had already decided that MIL's bedroom would need to be relocated to the basement, where our daughter currently resides due to the larger bathroom and walk-in shower that is down there. We felt it would be a win-win because MIL is having difficulty stepping into the bathtub and our daughter will need a bathtub when her baby is old enough to begin taking baths. 

Anyway, I went into MIL's upstairs bedroom this morning to strip the sheets off her bed. I've suspected for some time that she was beginning to have some urinary incontinence so I expected to see evidence of that (and I did). What I was NOT expecting to see was a pair of her underwear under her pillow - and the underwear had a rather large amount of dried poop in it. It looked to me as though she had taken off the underwear and didn't bother to clean any of the poop out of it. I cannot for the life of me fathom she would do this. I had seen no evidence that she wasn't actually going to the bathroom so I'm not sure what caused this. 

I've notified Sib #1 and spouse and am wondering if I should notify the rest of the DH's siblings as well.

abc123

Wow! I am so sorry for you! I experienced this same behavior with my MIL when she stayed with us. It is not done intentionally. I do realize how nasty and gross this is but its part of the disease. My MIL hid her soiled panties and then the depends. I was so shocked when I found the first pair, a bad odor had me looking everywhere. My MIL was a very proud lady and she would have never done something like this in her right mind. But in her Alzheimer mind she did all sorts of crazy things. My husband was dying of cancer and she was literally losing her mind. It's a miracle I didn't lose mine. I bought gallons of bleach back in those days. She hid things in her bedroom and in her bathroom. Check her bathroom too. Look behind the towels and sheets or whatever it is you have in there. Look way in the back. They get really good at hiding stuff, especially gross stuff! I'm really sorry this happened to you too!  

I remember one night in particular, I had cooked a nice meal and had set the table. I got my husband to the table and then called for MIL to come to the table. She was a tiny little woman and very proper. As she walked towards the table little bits of poop were falling from her diaper. It broke my heart. 

I'm sooooooo happy for you that she has gone to stay elsewhere!!!!! I hope you and your husband get to enjoy every moment of being grandparents! What a happy time!

abc123

I would notify all siblings. They need a headsup on just how advanced she is now. 

Once again, I'm sorry this happened to you. It is really a shocking thing!

towhee

This is a common dementia behavior. My LO would take used pads and hide them in the closet to dry so she could reuse them. To her, not reusing things was wasteful. It did no good to try to reason with her, I just started replacing the dirty ones in the closet with clean ones, and counted myself lucky that she understood she could not wash the pads.

I would not tell the other siblings. You have passed responsibility for your MIL to another. Enjoy your coming grandchild and let MIL related things go.

dayn2nite2

Stop running interference for her.  Let them find out themselves.  You telling them softens the blow.

DETACH.  She is gone.  She isn’t coming back.

Quilting brings calm

I would not  tell them/ wouldn’t waste my breath or my time.  Not in order for you to be mean… but because they won’t listen.  They haven’t BEEN listening to you and your spouse all this time.  You’ve told the one sister. Now since she is the new caregiver, let her be the one to communicate her Moms’ condition to the rest of them.  Maybe a new voice will draw emphasis to what needs to be done.  Maybe you will then get more yes votes to a facility. 

I have a feeling that next year you will be discussing a different care level than an ASL based upon this new behavior. 

I’m glad you have  your house back for a while. Refuse to take her back. 

Cynbar

I would tell the sibling who has her now, because this behavior will likely increase as most dementia behaviors do. Sadly, it was probably to be expected. But beyond that, I wouldn't communicate the news to the others --- updates should come from the sibling caring for her. Now is the time for you to relax and detach and get ready for that wonderful grandchild's birth. You have done way more than your share of caring for your MIL. If you continue trying to be actively involved, the others will let you and MIL will be back sooner than you think. Try to let them handle things, even if it's not the way you would do it. She isn't your problem at the moment.

harshedbuzz

I would have to ask myself what your motivation for telling is.

Giving a heads up to her current caregivers is one thing; it's a behavior they may need to be alert to. They need to know. If it happens on their watch, it is their choice to share or not.

Telling the others? It kind of reminds me of the old kindergarten lesson about the difference between telling and tattling. Given that you don't enjoy a good relationship with your MIL or most of your husband's siblings, this just feels a little meanspirited. 

Should your MIL come back to you, does the basement bedroom have an egress? If it doesn't, it may not be up to code as a bedroom and could be an issue if you were ever involved with APS.

HB

Ginsamae

Thank you all for your feedback - it is much appreciated!

We did end up telling Sib #1 & spouse since she is now with them and they need to know. We opted to not say anything to any of the other siblings - DH felt it would give them a reason to say they can't take care of her anymore. We certainly can't handle the new level of care MIL needs AND handle our daughter and grandchild. DH and I have sent Sib #1 a checklist of behaviors we've noted along with dates we first discovered the behaviors for them to share with MIL's new medical professionals.

Harshbuzz - yes, the basement meets all the qualifications for being an actual bedroom. It has a full size window, a closet, and the basement is a walkout. We even have a dry bar area with a small refrigerator (not a 'dorm' size one), a microwave, a bar seating area and a small pantry for dry food storage. My only problem with the basement is that it is dark, even when the blinds are open - MIL keeps the blinds closed in her upstairs bedroom so she is continually in semi-gloom. This may present a problem if she does come back for a visit.

dayn2nite2

If you can’t handle her level of care now, she shouldn’t be coming for visits, so the blinds problem solves itself.