Heartbroken at end of MC Move day

Care__

First time poster long time researcher for how to make today happen. Moved my 72 year old father (late stage 5 - entering 6 AD) into MC from home where he lived alone but has been getting wake up - bedtime care by me the past 3 months and almost daily “help” from me for the past 3 years.

I know this was the best for him and for me. I am only 34 and have put my life on hold to take care of him. But I am so heartbroken right now. He handled the move much better than expected no anger or resentment just lots of tears from us both even though I sprung it on him in the car. I think he knew it was coming. I know he is scared and not understanding where he is now. I had to redirect multiple phone calls this afternoon and evening. 

I am just so heartbroken it is killing me and was hoping writing this down here would help some. Not really. This disease is so horrible. I wouldn’t wish this pain (for the person with disease and their loved ones) on anyone.

Stuck in the middle

I wish I had a daughter like you.  Your father is fortunate to have someone who cares about him and is able to arrange a safe harbor for him.  

I didn't like it when I had to place my mother.  But it was OK.  I could visit and see that she was cared for, and we still loved one another.  It gets better.

I agree with you.  I wouldn't wish this slow death on anyone.

GothicGremlin

I'm so sorry, Care_.  This disease is truly horrible.

My sister is early stage 6, and memory care is looming on the horizon, so I'm almost where you are.  Watching her, trying to make things even just a little bit better .... so hard.  My sister and I talk about memory care all the time, she too is quite fearful of it. She views it as a kind of punishment.

But - from what others tell me, memory care can work out well for people. I hope that's how it goes for your dad.  And like Stuck in the middle says, you can visit him and check on things.  I know when the day comes for my sister, that's what I plan to do. Visit and hover.

harshedbuzz

A warm welcome to you, I'm sorry you have a need to be here.

I found the time around dad's placement to be some of the most difficult parts of the dementia journey. Placing him was necessary; his care was killing my mother. Settling in could take some time, but it will happen and when it does, you will be able to find ways to just be his daughter and enjoy some time together.

MimiMinder

I know how hard it is to place a parent in care. My mother still lashes out at me since I am the one who 'put her away' but I know I made the best decision for her. She is safe and cared for by an entire staff, rather than just my husband and me. 

Hopefully you will be able to reclaim some parts of your life that have been neglected these last few years. It might take some time to adjust to the fact that you don't have to be in charge or on call 24/7. You can take that trip, or sign up for that class, or do the things that bring you joy. 

Please continue to reach out and make connections with others who truly get what you are experiencing. It is so much easier to travel on this path when we know we are not alone.

End-of-rope

I know exactly what you mean. I went through this a year ago and making the decision to place my mom in memory care was one of the hardest things I had to do in my life.  Worst of all, it happened during the pandemic and the lockdown, so I couldn't even visit her for several months afterwards.  I had been, like you, taking care of her almost daily for 3 years, as well as taking care of my own home and working a full-time job.

I understand how guilty you feel and that you might be second-guessing your decision, but rest assured it's the best one you could make for the safety and well-being of your father and your own.  Things will get better on time even though you may not see it now.  At least you didn't have to deal with his anger and resentment.  I still have to, even a year later, but that's the reason why my mom needed placement:  serious behavioral issues.

Hang in there!  We are here to help.

MN Chickadee

I was in a very similar position. Had to move my mom to MC a few years ago, I'm in my thirties. I didn't know the meaning of heartbreak until then. It was the hardest time in my life. I have never felt such sadness, grief, stress, and deep ache. It does get better. It may be two steps forward one step back for a while, but just take it one day at a time. The first 30 days are the hardest. He will adjust but it won't happen overnight. I know it's hard to not have regrets. It sucks, but it's normal to feel this way. Remember we are doing the best we can with the information and resources available. This disease is awful and it's not our fault. Keep your eye on the light at the end of the tunnel and take care of yourself. FWIW my mom adjusted and has done really well in MC. It was a good decision in hindsight, but hard to see at the time.

syrac818

You know how people say "I feel you pain"?  It's just an expression, and it's never meant to say I actually feel your pain.

I feel your pain.

I remember the day of the move for my mother.  I always will.  You are heartbroken because you love your father and we placed in an impossible situation.  Nobody should ever have to go through this.

I am so, so sorry.