Disruptive behavior at church

JoyD

My mother is 91 years old and has Alzheimer's (stage 5).  She loves to attend worship services, but has trouble sitting through the sermon.  During last Sunday's service, she repeatedly asked to leave during the sermon (exhibiting anger and agitation) and I had to try to keep her quiet, with limited results.  I think part of the problem is that she cannot hear very well, but she refuses to wear her hearing aids.  Also, I  think that sermons may be too difficult for her to mentally process, as well as simply being too long. 

I am looking for ways to keep her occupied (and quiet) during the service.  She is extremely smart and does not tolerate boredom very well - needs constant enjoyable mental stimulation. She normally spends her time at home working on word-search puzzles and reading magazines; the problem is that she reads out loud, so these activities would not work for church.  She is not interested in coloring or other "childish" activities.  She really wants to be engaged with the church service rather than be distracted from it.  

I really don't want to have to stop taking her to church because of this issue.  I brought this up with her after last Sunday's service (big mistake!) and she could not remember being disruptive.  She apologized, but also got really mad.  She insists on going to church.

Any help would be appreciated.

Thanks!

Whyzit

It does sound as though actually being in church is too much for your mother to handle appropriately. It is difficult for those other church goers to benefit from the worship experience as well as yourself when you can’t control her behavior. It is wise of you to consider other options. Many churches have online services since COVID  and there are religious services on TV as well (TBN and SBN are examples).  You could even record them. That way if she wants to speak out she is not disturbing anyone and she can still participate.

dayn2nite2

Unfortunately she will have to stop going.

MN Chickadee

You are unlikely to modify the behavior. Eventually it will probably be more than the sermon that is too much for her. For now could you sit in the very back and take her outside or to another room during the sermon for a little breather? There she could do her magazines or whatever until the next part of the service. Or if they serve coffee after the service maybe there is a job she could do during the sermon like put cups and napkins out, this would be a good excuse to tell her why it's time to leave the sanctuary for a bit to do her job. Ask around; hopefully a church would want to be supportive of their elders and find ways to help if they can.

Quilting brings calm

Ask the pastor if they still do visits to shut-ins.  If so, then he or a deacon could visit her during  the week every couple of weeks  and do a short story, similar to a children’s sermon.  They could pray and sing a verse together and maybe even communion occasionally.  They did this for my grandmother years ago.

Arrowhead

I agree with MN Chickadee. I would try sitting in the back or by the door and taking her out into the hall or a nearby room where she can still hear the sermon. If she calms down you could take her back in. I would not stop taking her just yet. There are probably very few things that bring her joy any more. Don't take this away from her unless you don't have any other choice.

harshedbuzz

Joy-

I would give the back pew a shot, but wouldn't expect her to be able to follow or engage with the service from there. 

In your shoes, I might look into a visiting ministry, a less formal outdoor worship service, something online or even consider finding a Roman Catholic parish with an old fashioned "Cry Room" if she would be open to that denomination.

HB

Cynbar

This is one of the hardest parts of the dementia journey, realizing our LOs can no longer do the things they have loved and still want to do. I sadly agree with the posters who have said church attendance will probably have to end. This behavior is likely to get worse, not better ---- dementia is a progressive disease. And you likely can't reason with your mother about this, it will make her frustrated and angry. You may have hit on a key point when you guessed she can no longer process the sermon. It is likely time to start thinking up "fiblets" as to why she can't go on any given Sunday. There is no need to tell her the truth, that would only upset her and she would quickly forget anyway. Being a caregiver is one struggle after another.

abc123

There comes a time when our LO’s should stay in the safety of their home. Emotional safety as well as physical safety. I stopped going in public with my mom about a year ago. I told dad that I will no longer participate in outings with the two of them. Doctor and hair appointments only. She gets so agitated in public there is no way she is enjoying even a moment of the outing. Getting her ready to go somewhere is incredibly stressful for all three of us. Not to mention the unfortunate souls she curses and hisses at and flips the finger to.

Quilting brings calm

Abc123 -  I agree with you.  

My Mom is disruptive in public in different ways. Depending on her agitation level she either cries at the drop of a hat again and again, is agitated and wants to go home, or looks and acts pitiful. She is  a fall risk because she leaves her walker at the ASL and uses her cane. That means someone has to hold her hand/arm for support because she can’t walk in a stable manner unsupported.  

Yet my Dad takes her out daily with only her cane because he wants to go somewhere daily and he thinks it’s good for her to go and she doesn’t want to stay at the ASL ‘ by herself’.  I  take her out to the medical appointment or emergencies only.  

eaglemom

I just want to toss something else out there. Its been suggested you try to sit in the last row of pews / benches. In theory that sounds like a solution, but I fear the opposite will happen. In the back of the church she certainly won't be able to hear the sermon - something you'd mentioned. The back of the church will have more distractions, which I fear will not help your situation.

It is important to continue to attend / go places that our LO's enjoy. But when they become a distraction its time to change that plan.

eagle

bozowing

I definitely don't mean this suggestion as an insult, but is their a children's cry room.  those always have sermon piped in on a ceiling speaker.

David J

Would she be interested in “helping” at Sunday School?  There would be activity and the chance to speak out without disturbing the congregation. Depending on how it’s organized with here could even be a short sermon.

dayn2nite2

bozowing wrote:

I definitely don't mean this suggestion as an insult, but is their a children's cry room.  those always have sermon piped in on a ceiling speaker.

I also thought of that but remembered that my mom was VERY agitated around children and more so if they were crying so I wasn't sure that was going to help.