Whine, whine

Saya_G

How do you stay positive? 

My Sis is my mother’s full time companion. She is burnt out - as she says, “I didn’t sign up for this”! I know when she promised to take care of our mother, she thought it would be traveling with her, plays bingo, etc. I’m sure dementia was never in her plans.

I do a lot for both of them. But I just can’t stand the complaining any more! Seriously, my sisters unhappiness is a big issue. She has never been a positive person, but as she’s gotten older and as my mother becomes more home bound due to her limitations she complains to me as if it’s my responsibility to make her life better! 

I already handle both of there medical appointments, prepare their meds, drive them to every appointment, I’m even cleaning their house! I offered my sister to watch my mom so she can go out - she says, “what good would that do, I’d just be going out alone!” (She moved from across country when she moved in with my mom - before my mom had dementia. She has not made attempts to meet new people.) 

Now my sis is getting forgetful-so I took her to a neurologist, doc believes she has faux-dementia. He explained that he doesn’t think she has dementia, she just has some of the short term memory issue that mimic dementia. He said sister’s memory issue could be due to malnourishment (she has no teeth and her dentures hurt so bad she can’t wear them! We are working to get her a new set of dentures, but that is taking time. She eats a small meal, once a day) or maybe she is not getting enough good sleep, or maybe she has depression (I think - bingo!).

Sis told the doc that she just didn’t care enough any more to remember things! Doc suggested antidepressant - he even wrote her a prescription! At one point during the visit she turned on me and said the only reason that she was there was because I thinks she’s crazy! I have never said she was crazy. I reminded her that she had told me she was concerned about her forgetfulness and maybe needed to see a doc - she apparently forgot that!

I may sound selfish, but I can’t deal with the whining and negativity any more!

Sis and I had words afterwards we got home, I told her that I know she is with mom 24/7, and that I appreciate her efforts, but that I do not appreciate being thrown under the bus at her doctors appointment! 

Honestly it is probably time for our mom to go to a facility. But I know she will fight that tooth and nail! I also know that my sister wants me to be the dirty dog - she wants me to be the one that “sends” our mom to a home. I just don’t know that either of is ready for that fight! 

Our mom sleeps a lot (it’s the boredom that my sister complains about the most). Mom sometimes doesn’t make sense, sis says she sometimes sees people, she paranoid, she doesn’t always remember our names. But then there are days where she’s sharp. Moms doc (not the same doc as my sister’s) says she’s between moderate to severe, favoring severe.

Any advice on how to deal with the negativity?

Saya-G

Iris L.

Saya_G wrote:

Now my sis is getting forgetful-so I took her to a neurologist, doc believes she has faux-dementia. He explained that he doesn’t think she has dementia, she just has some of the short term memory issue that mimic dementia. He said sister’s memory issue could be due to malnourishment (she has no teeth and her dentures hurt so bad she can’t wear them! We are working to get her a new set of dentures, but that is taking time. She eats a small meal, once a day) or maybe she is not getting enough good sleep, or maybe she has depression (I think - bingo!).

Pseudo-dementia is a real thing.  The thing to do is to aggressively treat what can be treated--poor nutrition, poor sleep and depression all separately can  mimic dementia.  The cognitive issues can be reversed if caught in time, but might become permanent if left untreated.   

Placement is not a sign of failure.  It is a sign of providing the care the PWD needs while allowing for the well-being of the caregiver.  Tell your sister that twenty-five percent of caregivers die before their LO.  She has a chance to be a well rested daughter again.  There are many single ladies who travel and do things.  I am one of them, even though I have a diagnosis of cognitive impairment.  This week the senior center in my area reopened after the Covid shutdowns.  

The members have great ideas to enable placement.  You might start looking into a few to present to your sister.  Don't tell your mom just yet.

Iris 

HSW

Take that negativity and turn it into a cry for help. Place your Mom and have your sister move in with you for a few years because it may take her that long to recover. It is not a failure to place.

Emily 123

It’s hard to stay positive.  I imagine it’s worse for your sister. Under stress I seem to also only have so much bandwidth to remember things. Those issues resolved when Mom moved to a dementia focused AL. Her care dominated my train of thought and it was so distressing to me to see her changes every day, as well as deal with her anger and the constant repetitive interruptions while I tried to work and keep her occupied— I found it hard to balance how she was from hour to hour and treat her accordingly so that she wasn’t resentful. Mom/ daughter is a hard dynamic to flip.

 Now might be a good time to talk together about whether Mom’s needs are requiring more than was anticipated and what options you have. Try to be as objective as you can and resist older/younger sister patterns.  Can you show her some websites or go look at some AL places together? 

I would think that your sister would be amenable, now that she’s in the thick of things, to go back to being a supportive daughter, not a full time caregiver.  Tell her you would be more comfortable if you could both be in agreement.  

The care burden will increase. There’s no shame in everyone feeling overwhelmed. Caregiving is hard.

Cynbar

Your posts over the past few months indicate that this has been going on for a long time. Please consider placing your mother. This situation and this dynamic is not good for her or your sister, and the stress isn't helping you either. If you have POA, you need to make the best decision for everybody, even if they don't agree. Your sister isn't handling it well, but being a 24/7 caregiver for a person with dementia is a tough, tough job. Some of those other issues she has may resolve when the pressure is off. She may fight placement because she is afraid of change, but that's not a valid reason to keep your mother at home. I think your mother must pick up on the negativity too, and that's not a pleasant way to live. Looks to me like it's either placement or continue on the way you are. I don't think you can expect your sister to change, she's too entrenched.

Stuck in the middle

Your sister complains to you because you are the person with the power to effect change.  She is living in a situation that would depress anyone, and it sounds like she doesn't have the resources to make a change.  As the family's one functioning adult, you will have to accept the responsibility of being the "dirty dog" and rescue these women from their situation.  Your mother needs professional level of care, and your sister needs antidepressant meds and a counselor.  

Putting myself in your mother's shoes for a moment, I think I'd be a lot less unhappy in a facility than in a house with a clinically depressed woman.

Do what needs to be done and don't worry about what your mother thinks.  Life is better when you don't care what people think.