Help! Selfish Family Members

bozowing

I'm 60 year old who is retired and the youngest, brother is 65 and sister 62.  I get both work and have jobs, but they hide behind that to avoid caring for my 93 year old middle stage dementia dad who is in middle stages (still not professionally assessed)

As it is now, I'm there daily to ensure he eats breakfast and had food for the evening.  Also, take him to pay bills, hear aids or glasses issues.  One problem is he's very verbally abusive and keeps hiding the calming prescription.  This past week, daily basis, threatens to call the police; been to his house 4 times last week.  Now first time he caused a scene at Wal-Mart at the greeter's stand yelling I'm trying to steal his money!  When I took him their to pay his utility bills.  Am working on legal measures to manage his finances, but not there yet.

My biggest issue, beyond my dad's dementia, is a brother, 65, thinks his job is the most important (drives food service truck),  And, it gives him relief from caring for my dad.  My sister, 62, has a major ego problem and thinks her husband (control freak) has every right to be directly involved family affair decisions (he calls shots, sis follows).  Problem with him is, he's yelled at my dad and has verbal arguments.  In fact, last week he was on way to groceries and dad had a dementia verbally abusive moment.  BIL feelings got hurt and turns car around and takes dad home without groceries.  Than, sis n BIL took dad to doctor to fill paperwork to pull my dad's Driver's License and asked if they got groceries.  Her answer, no, he wants to be stubborn and live by himself than tough love and left with NO GROCERIES!!!  Of course, next day I took dad, verbal abuse and all, and got three bags of groceries.

Any suggestions how to combat this family selfishness?  I'm getting concerned about my own mental health worrying about my dad and putting all the pressure on me to ensure his safety and health.  I'm divorced, own home and I too have a life and house to maintain by myself, just don't get this pompous family thoughts of my life is more important.

M1

Welcome to the forum.  You need power of attorney.  If he's accusing you of stealing, that's a late-stage symptom and he may not be able to give you control voluntarily; in which case you may have to pursue guardianship.  I would worry that he's not safe to live alone, but that's another discussion.  But if you get POA or guardianship (which you may have to pursue), then you get to make the decisions and it won't matter what your siblings say/do.  There are lots of threads here about sibling conflicts, you can't make then do what you want.  You are just going to have to do what is best for your dad.  Good luck.

Wilted Daughter

Alzheimer’s & Dementia enews sent a recent article on 7/14/21 on “Facing Alzheimer’s May cause family tension” You can probably locate it on the website or call ALZ Helpline 800-372-3900. 

I have learned to focus on the part that I play as a sole caregiver and do my best daily. You can look into becoming Durable POA with Medical POA language included (check state requirements). In our state there’s a simple document signed by patient and physician giving the authority to make medical decisions. Hospitals or state websites can inform better and provide the document. Share your concerns about Dementia with his PCP and request a formal evaluation (there may be some out of pocket costs). Markets in our area deliver, so when your dad is having a bad day just order online have it delivered then checkin to see he has what he needs. Local agencies (Elder Services) may be able to help with medicine management so he takes the medication to calm his angry outburst. I no longer take my mom, who’s diagnosed with moderate Vascular Dementia at 89, out when she’s in a state.

I would not concern myself with the blabbing of others. Maybe you can offer to create a schedule/plan of care where each tows the line when it’s his or her turn. Other than that do what you feel is best for your dad and you.

dayn2nite2

Is it selfish to not want to be verbally abused and accused of things when out in public?  No.

Would you want your loved one to be cared for by someone who didn't want to care for him?  Probably not.

You can only control you.  You can't force others to do what you want or care for someone.  You CAN ask that if they cannot provide direct care, if they can PAY for a service to provide that (grocery delivery, for example).

Why is he having to go to Walmart to pay bills?  This should be online.  Clears up one trip right there.

Use technology (online bill paying, grocery order/delivery) to assist in places where you need help.

Schmail13

I feel your pain as I live it daily & it gets worse daily . As it’s worsened recently I’m trying to reside myself to the fact I need to move past it or it will mentally destroy me. The hard part is that my mother thinks they are all wonderful even though they do nothing & one is just waiting for money he thinks he deserves . I have to hold in the horrible truths to her . 

We are all in this together & need to remind ourselves of all the good in our hearts to care for those we love…that’s what’s important. 

chinacat

I'm sorry that you are on this journey with no help from your siblings. I don't think there is anything you can do to "combat their selfishness", they are who they are and if they haven't recognized their own selfishness by now, they never will. I was in a similar situation for 6 years until my dad finally passed last summer. Alzheimer's not only destroys the lives of those who develop the disease, it can also take down entire families as collateral damage. Being the solo caregiver can become extremely overwhelming, especially if your loved one is in the mid/late stage of Alz. The thing that you don't want to happen is you sacrificing your life, health and well being to care for your father. There will come a time when you feel you have done all that you can for him, and decisions will need to be made regarding his long term care. You would not be a horrible person if you decide it is time to place your father in MC, especially if he is becoming aggressive - this becomes a safety issue for both you and your dad. Yes it is a tough decision to make, but you have to do what is best for both you and your dad. In MC, he will be safe, monitored and taken care of. Be prepared from backlash from the siblings - they will most likely object to moving him, but seeing how they have done nothing to help you in a productive way, they don't get to have any say in his caregiving decisions. You can be most helpful to your dad as his advocate while he is living in MC.

I hope you don't feel like I am pressuring you to move your dad; that is not my goal for this post. Having walked this path already, I am seeing some of the signs of caregiver burn out, as well as the (justified) resentment that is building towards your siblings, and I don't want you to go through what I went through (and I'm still dealing with the fallout that occurred after my dad passed). The reality is that as much as you think you can (or want to) take care of your dad, you can only do so much, and that is OK. One thing to remember - don't ever compare yourself to others and their abilities to "take better care" of their loved ones. Again, you can only do what you can do, and don't ever let yourself feel guilty about it, or let others tell you that you haven't done enough. In the end, you will be able to look at yourself in the mirror knowing that you were there for your father when he needed you most, and you will carry no regrets with you as long as you live. Keep posting on these boards, I found this forum to be a source of understanding and support, especially since most folks who, fortunately, have not had to deal with Alz really don't understand what you are going through. I was fortunate to find a therapist who also had a parent with Alz and siblings that refused to help, so she was extremely helpful in helping me deal with a lot of the emotions that are tied to having a loved one with Alz.

rzrbaxfan

Get POA and start taking control.  For me, it started with taking over paying bills from her account (did it online and setup paperless billing so she wouldn't get paper bills).  From there, I started helping her purge her house and moved her in.  I got involved on dr appointments.  After moving her in, we quickly found out her ability to prep even the most basic food was zero, so I took over meal prep.  I found that the more I did, the more she trusted me (still combative at times, but we manage), and the less my family got involved.  There is a little bit of interaction here and there, but I've found that they just don't want to get their hands dirty.  I don't tolerate anything from them.  If I get unwanted advice or any crap, I usually say "you want her to move in with you?". And that usually gets them to step back.  They know they aren't cut out for it.

I told my wife I feel like a head coach, in a tie game, time is running out and I have the ball, and I get a call from someone outside of the stadium that doesn't even follow the sport telling me what I need to do.  I hang up...don't have time for it.  

Stuck in the middle

bozowing wrote:

Any suggestions how to combat this family selfishness?  I'm getting concerned about my own mental health worrying about my dad and putting all the pressure on me to ensure his safety and health.  

I have no suggestions about motivating your sibs.  I had no luck with mine.  I will suggest the serenity prayer for your mental health.  Pray for the courage to change what you can, the patience to accept what you can't change, and the wisdom to know the difference.

If your father is paranoid, his disease is probably getting pretty advanced.  You may need to pursue guardianship and placement in the fairly near future.  Accepting the essential uselessness of your sibs will make that process less damaging to your mental health.

Cynbar

You can't make someone care.

There have been multiple threads here about this same issue, family members who won't pitch in, who don't visit, who have many excuses why they are "too busy." They put it all on one sibling, with no consideration that he/she might like to have a life too. Often, the PWD doesn't see any of this and thinks the missing siblings are just perfect. I don't know what the solution is, putting pressure or guilt on them never seems to work. All I can suggest is that you remember the Serenity Prayer and move forward with arranging your dad's care as you think best. The resentment will still be there, it's naive to think you can reason it away. But try to push it to the back burner as much as possible. You can decide later how all this will impact your relationship with your siblings  in the future.

kyronae

Caring for someone in this state is exhausting, painful, and incredibly difficult. I understand their avoidance, and 100% feel your frustration. 

Last week, while trying to get my little brother to help out, he whined that he "wasn't equipped to deal with all this" as his reason for not doing more...and I wanted to throw things. I'm not equipped either, tyvm. 

But I also understand it. I'm drowning. I know that he doesn't want to be in the same position.

No real advice, except to say that you don't have to do it alone. If you can't get family members to step up, see if you have friends of family or your own friends or church or work colleagues who are able to give you a hand. If you have the finances to set up check-ins from in-home care, that can give you a break and let someone with more training and less personal attachment look after him periodically. If that's not an easy financial option, gofundmes are a totally viable option for getting a little assistance to pay for a caregiver without having to find a full-time facility.

Look into counseling. And vent here or in other support spaces. You aren't alone. You don't have to do this alone. And while you can't change people to make them more helpful when they don't want to be, you can find people who ARE willing to be there with you. Don't give up.

bozowing

Agree Day, but that too is a argument.  Tried numerous times and he starts I'm controlling him and get the hell out of my business bla bla bla...

I 'm working on getting Guardianship and believe you me I'm online for everything to include reconciling bank accounts.

bozowing

Thanks a million China.  You're absolutely right I was heading for a mental crash myself and realized I need to get it together for my own health.

Since this post, his behaviors turned for worse, taking a shovel after social worker and Wal-Mart scene.  Guardianship is being recommended to his doctor and I'm the Trustee of their Trust, so I have no problem taking over for my dad's health.  This will actually help eliminate my good for nothing sister and brother.

star26

He made a Trust but not a financial and healthcare POA? Are the house and bank accounts in the name of the Trust? If so, you can follow the terms of the trust to have yourself named Successor Trustee. This is better than POA for handling finances and other business as long as everything is in his Trust. Usually, it says that the successor Trustee will take over if a doctor finds him to be incapacitated. If this is the case, get a letter from his physician, have the estate attorney draw up a document for your appointment and acceptance as Trustee, and then use that to put the bank accounts and house in your name as Trustee so he can no longer control any finances.

P.S. It's probably not a coincidence that your parents chose you to be Trustee and not your siblings. 

Fad marie

bozowing, I echo what the others are saying.  The more I read about sibling issues when caring for a parent with Alz, the more I see the same advice about how you can't change them and you should only focus on what you can control.  I am pretty frustrated with how little my brother helps (just like me and my H, he and his W live nearby, are in their 40s, are finally secure, and have no children).  An additional frustration for me is feeling it falls on me because I'm a woman.  My brother knows I am not the type of woman who believes I am better at or should be caring for anyone more than a man.  I fought with my brother about my perceptions of his lack of engagement a year ago.  He said he'd do better.  He didn't.  And I'm feeling frustrated once again.  I still ask him directly for things I need, but I am frustrated with how little he does without me asking.  In addition to being frustrated that he's not there for my mom with Alz, I'm frustrated that he doesn't visit my dad, who would also love to spend time with him.  But instead of fighting with him like last summer, this summer I joined this forum and it's helping me read about others going through the same thing.  I'm finding a lot of great advice here.  I hope you'll find the same and are able to get some peace when you have guardianship/POA.  

Stuck in the middle

Fad marie wrote:

An additional frustration for me is feeling it falls on me because I'm a woman.  My brother knows I am not the type of woman who believes I am better at or should be caring for anyone more than a man.  

  

If it helps, I'll tell you that I'm a man and my brothers were no help.  You're doing this because you're a responsible adult, just as I am.  It's not because you're a woman or because we're better at it, it's because we will do it.

Tauruslady511

You won’t combat their behavior; however, you can control to what your father is subjected. I suggest you get POA or guardianship ASAP. But then you might think about getting your dad signed up for all assistance available to him (some doctors will start paperwork or you may have to reach out to adult services in your area) and either round the clock care at home or a facility.  In the meantime, re-route his mail and/or get a PO Box and re-route the important mail.  This worked for me. I also had to write the motor vehicle department to ask them to revoke my mom’s license. There’s so much to being a caregiver of someone with dementia.