End is in sight so why is this worse?

MsReliable

My sister and I have made the difficult but necessary decision to move my dad to a memory care unit. I have been full-time with him for 4 months since his stroke, it's clear that he can't live alone and his GF is effectively breaking up w him, though she has not said it and he can't see it.

Over these 4 mos, I have had 2 or 3 good nights of sleep when my sister visits, no time for myself and have gained more weight than I want to think about, thanks to his ice cream cravings (an outing to Baskin Robbins is fun for him and takes up at least 30 mins...ahhh).

We'll move him a week from Wed. He does not know. I know, and I wonder why, now that the end of this difficult time is in sight, I have less patience with him than before, when I had no idea when/if this would end or how I could get back home to reclaim my life.

Has anyone else experienced this? What did you do to get through the final week? I am telling myself things like 'this is the last time I will have to take him to the doctor...this is the last Sunday I will have to be completely responsible for his health, happiness and safety...I can do this one more time...' It doesn't really seem to help. 

Frankly I am itching to get him onto the plane and into his new home, then get back here, sell his house and get on with my life. I feel guilty about it, and part of me is looking at him and thinking 'maybe he could be on his own...' which is INSANE, he can't drive, forgets to eat and take meds, shower, etc. He clearly needs help. But I think I have a mix of anxiety, guilt and a burning desire to have my life back. 

Thanks for any advice - or even anyone telling me that I am not the only one to feel this way.

This forum is a real sanity saver!

Stuck in the middle

Sounds dead normal to me.  It is completely natural to speed up when you see the light at the end of the tunnel.  A horse crossing the desert would do the same when it smells water.

It is also normal to have those thoughts that he can live alone.  I have the same sometimes.  Then they do something a ten-year old would know better than to do, and I'm back in the real world.  Hang in there, you're doing the right thing.

abc123

The feelings you have are very normal IMO. Dealing with dementia is devastating. You must do what you must do. Try to remember he is brain damaged. He will only continue to get worse. This disease has already devoured him. Do not let it take you down too.

I'm sorry. 

windyshores

All normal. I also have experienced things feeling worse when the end is in sight. I also repeatedly think I should rent a bigger apartment and live with my mother. No!

Going into memory care can be a very positive thing, even wonderful. I think too many feel guilty when it presents a potential improvement for our loved one.

Virgil61

Hi - I have much of the same feelings.   Thanks for sharing.

Lindsay22

Just chiming in on the side of normal feelings.  I look at my mother's things and think about bagging up the clothes, donating the dishes etc.  I just want us both to be out of this state of limbo.  But of course, then I feel guilty.  You are doing what needs to be done, keep going.

kyronae

My armchair psychology guess? Probably a handful of factors all colliding at once.

You've been riding an anxiety high, and now that you know an end is insight, your adrenaline levels are starting to drop. You're feeling more exhausted, more irritable, and you're starting to notice the toll that constant stress had on your body.

You're feeling relieved, and then automatically feeling guilty for being relieved because you love him...and you're also at the end of your reserves.

You're facing a transition to more unknowns after being stuck in a difficult (but constant) circumstance. It's a good unknown...but it's still unpredictable, and that's a stress all on its own.

I am facing something similar right now. We just dropped my mom off at a rehab center. It's not the same--it's temporary, and I was only primary caregiver for a week, instead of the lengths you've been dealing with, but I'm feeling all those things today, as well.

Try to be gentle with yourself. If you're a bit snippy this week, it's not the end of the world. You will still be able to have positive interactions with him at his new home, you are still a good person and loving caregiver, and you will be back to your normal temperment once you've had a chance to recover. This, too, shall pass. 

Don't be upset with yourself if you struggle for awhile after he's at the facility, too. Stress is a hell of a thing, and our bodies take time to adjust after our circumstances change. It will get better.

I'm telling myself the same thing, too.

The4thOne

Everything you have described is actually the same way that all of us who have had to do what you are doing have felt.  As a matter of fact it is not just the same, it is normal, and part of what you are supposed to feel.  We just placed my mother into her next level of care in a senior living facility, (hear the wordsmithing around guilt?),and I went through the same thing.  I actually posted about feeling what you are feeling, wondering it not-guilty was normal. Enjoy. It's the best for you, it's the best for Dad.  And know that as much as you anticipate this move, and you anticipate the freedom, the release to 'get back to your life', guilt will show up; you will talk to him some days and he will sound almost like his old self and you will doubt your decision that 'did we do this too soon'  or the big one, 'maybe if I bring him back home, it may not be as bad.'  You will have doubts later and that is normal. Don't let the Jedi mind tricks fool you - remember why you did this, for his safety and your sanity; and while he may have good days, overall he is not going to get better.  So enjoy these not-guilty days, and work on your well-care.  Nothing is abnormal about what you are feeling.

End-of-rope

MsReliable, what you are feeling is completely normal.  I've been there and felt that.  I've also asked myself:  "Why ME?!?!?" when I felt I was losing my mind.  When you see there is an end to the tunnel, you feel your strength failing and can't wait to reach the end.  I'm sorry to burst your bubble what you won't recover your normal life afterwards, at least not if you are your dad's POA.  You'll feel sad, mad, guilty, and probably responsible for your dad.

After I moved my mom to MC, problems and responsibilities just changed.  Granted, my mom has very bad behavioral issues and is very aggressive, especially to me, so dealing with her every day is exhausting.  Just recently, tired of the mistreatment, I stopped calling her daily as I'm her punching bag.  As soon as I'm recovering a little bit of emotional stability, she falls again and we may need to start all over again the process of the hospital stay, then the rehab facility, and then back to adjust again to MC.  When not working, I'm mostly taking care of my mom's issues.  Somebody has to do it.  Even if she's in a facility, someone has to be responsible and make decisions and keep up with paperwork and finances.

And sometimes I feel very resentful of what's happened to the last 4 years of my life. I feel I'm living the last years of my OWN life, and really not living them at all, if that makes sense. Is there really a way to get your life back?  I hope you are able to find it; I haven't.