Recovering from crisis week - everything feels hazy

kyronae

I'm finally home after a week of being the primary caregiver for my mother (EO, mostly non-verbal).

I mentioned in my last post that my step-dad is the primary caregiver and POA, and he has done nothing to set up assistance. He was bound and determined to be the sole pillar of support...and then he had a knee replacement surgery last week, ended up stuck there all week with low oxygen, low salt, high pain, and developing pneumonia. As my mom's only child, I was her caregiver in-stead, and my older step-brother was the primary contact for his dad. 

Because she needs 24-7, attentive care and because I normally live 2 hours away, I was unable to leave. I couldn't even sleep in a different room, or be away from her side more than 20 minutes at a time, in case she needed water or the bathroom or got distressed. No assistance had been hired and I don't have the financial resources to do that on my own (let alone the time it takes to set up in-home care).

Yesterday, my brother and I moved her into a rehab facility that also specializes in dementia care. She is currently being watched in the alzheimer wing until my step-dad is well enough to transfer over. Then they'll have a joint room. Leaving her there was one of the hardest things I've done, even if it was a relief.

I'm home for the first time in a week, and technically able to turn "off," but everything is hazy. I had to go in to work today and I'm supposed to log my activities each hour...and I'm losing time just staring or doomscrolling on social media, and I don't know how to justify my actions without losing pay. 

I lost 5 lbs from stress last week, and I'm currently trying to make sure I eat and take care of myself. I got the first good night's rest I've had in days, finally. But I'm definitely not myself yet. 

How have you all dealt with recovery and exhaustion after crisis periods? This was obviously a more stress-all-at-once situation, rather than the daily crush of caregiving for someone struggling, and it's been awhile since I've been in this position.

M1

Good for you for getting her moved on such short notice!  Rest and recover, then you can figure out a longer term plan.  I would be slow to move her home.  Having had two knee replacements, I can tell you he won't be in a position to take care of her for at least six weeks, maybe longer.

kyronae

The goal is to get him recovered, set up in-home care (she's not really wander-prone and he'll have nurses coming in to help with exercises, plus my brothers are only 10 min away from them), and then get them home together. 

I've arranged with a friend who is a nursing assistant to help out until we get hired caregivers, and my brothers will be triaging assistance as well. The social worker at the MC facility said they'd help arrange things, as well. 

My big brother and I are bound and determined not to let this happen again. This whole thing is nightmare enough without all these extra complications.

harshedbuzz

I just want to compliment you on what a terrific job you have done in terms of keeping mom safe in a very challenging situation. Strong work on your part.

Your stepdad sounds difficult under the best of circumstances. With post-TKR w/complications? OMG.

MN Chickadee

Of course you are exhausted. Taking care of her was not only physically tiring but the whole situation is the epitome of mentally taxing. You have the well being of frail, vulnerable people in your hands. So many details to work out and worry about plus the emotional toll. The grief and sadness and sense of loss makes it all so much harder. I remember the whiplash after moving my mother to MC. You would think you would let out a sigh of relief but it isn't that simple. Not only is there still work and advocacy to be done, but it is so emotional. Know that what you feel is normal. Try to rest, let yourself grieve. You have a lot on your plate. It will take time to find the new normal. It is understandable why you can't concentrate on work or the pleasure of being back home. Anyone who has had dementia touch their lives understands this.

King Boo

There will be several times that you will feel like a sledgehammer has hit you and also may be a little PTSD.  I was.

Prioritizing sleep is the biggie in recovering.  It's a pillar of health and mental wellness.  It will allow your resilience to kick in eventually.   Time helps too.

Another biggie for me was letting go of 'used to' 'should', and accepting things day by day.  I failed at 'traveling with a relaxed grasp' on things, but it would have helped me.  But I was the hyper over responsible eldest.

Get some rest, give things time.  Try to compartmentalize things when it's not a crisis - setting up a time window to work on medical bills, visiting, etc helps.

You got a lot done.  Be proud of yourself.