New Here & Feeling Overwhelmed

LP2021

Hello everyone. I'm Lori and I've reached my tipping point and I've finally decided to join this group. I'm part of the sandwich generation caring for some of my kids who still live at home and more recently, my elderly mother who moved in with us right before the COVID pandemic hit the U.S. last year. As you can imagine, our lives have experienced many ups and downs in the last year or so, not only with my mother's recent Alzheimer's dx but her lifelong struggle with mental health issues. In the last month, her symptoms have worsened to the point that we are exploring alternative care options. The latest development is the onset of delusions, particularly about food, to the point that we struggle to get her to drink and eat. I wonder if a piece of her traumatic past has gotten stuck in her head (there were periods in her life when she did starve) and now she is replaying those scenarios. Every moment feels like I'm walking through molasses. 

I feel alone in this struggle. My sister, while extremely helpful, lives several states away and my father has been dead for 8 years. I hate that I'm praying that she will go peacefully in her sleep, and I hate that I'm stuck with this burden yet again. I was my dad's caregiver for the 2 years before his death. 

Not sure what I'm looking for exactly. I guess I'm needing a safe place to vent and connect with others. 

M1

Well you've found a good place Lori, none better.  There are several folks here with either a parent or a spouse both with mental health issues and dementia.  I'm sure if you still have young children at home, they should have first right to your attention; needing to place someone in a facility is not a caregiving failure.  Until you find what you are looking for:  when someone becomes delusional, medications (frequently the atypical antipsychotics) can really help, you might want to discuss that with her docs sooner rather than later.

Good luck and welcom.

Sjodry

Welcome Lori,

You came to the right place. Your feelings are totally understandable. Most of us have those same feelings of wishing for a peaceful passing somewhere in the midst of this overwhelming journey. There will be lots of helpful posts to give you ideas of how to proceed, legal efforts that are important to think about or obtain. Placement options. Try to read as much as you can on this site.

I understand your feelings of aloneness in being the primary caregiver. I have often felt that throughout the 3.5 years I have been caring for my mom. Surprising enough..you start getting used to the craziness of the journey. As your mom moves through the stages, you will adapt to each of them (some more challenging than others). There is absolutely no one who understands this journey, more than the folks here. You will always find support here!

At some point during this experience, I decided to try to focus on all of the lessons Mom and I have learned on this journey. By trying to focus on the positives and the sweet moments, I didn’t keep myself torn up over all of the other moments. As I sit by my mom’s bed as she prepares to transition, I can honestly say I would not change a thing. I started this journey as a daughter, became her parent in the process and will be here until I love her into heaven.

Take care.

Sandy

Snappy107

Sandy - what a nice post. Inspirational! My oldest sister lives with my parents and cares for them full-time. Dad is wheelchair bound after a stroke and Mom has ALZ. The other 4 out of 5 of us care for them on the weekends. I was there this past weekend.

Your words lifted me up and reminded me to focus on the good.

Thanks!

MN Chickadee

Welcome. I understand where you are coming from. My mom was formally diagnosed with Alz when my first child was a baby. I now have a 10 year old and a 6 year old. She had symptoms of dementia my entire adult life, years before diagnosis. It is incredibly hard to handle everyone's needs. Your kids need to come first. Having to move your mom to MC is not a failure, it is doing what you have to do to meet everyone's needs. It isn't fair to your kids to suffer as a result of this disease. I made the decision not to have mom live with us. I have no regrets. She wouldn't want that for my family. And as she declined she wouldn't have enjoyed it either - the noise and chaos of family life would not have done her any favors. After an adjustment period, she thrives in MC and receives excellent care and better medical care and oversight than I could provide myself. It's the best outcome for our family. And still I have many times hoped she would just pass peacefully and leave all this behind. It's ok. 

I would get a psychiatrist on her care team. The delusions are causing a quality of life issue, and medications may help her be happier and better cared for. 

LP2021

Thanks for your message. We did have psychiatry on board but stopped going once Mom started to feel better. I may have to revisit this after we meet w/her PCP next week.

LP2021

Yes, thanks for your reply. Trust me, I've been keeping her doctors in the loop. I often feel like a pest considering how much I message and call. I'm thinking we will need to revisit the psychiatry portion of all this. She was seeing someone up until a few months ago. She was doing better so we didn't feel the need to continue.

PickledCondiment

Don't consider yourself a pest when reaching out to doctors, etc. You are keeping them informed, advocating for your LO. Those people are very busy and the squeaky wheel gets the grease.