Me again with the same topic- when you feel most family is against you

Schmail13

I'm ready to break.  I do it all and do everything to make mom happy.  No else can be bothered.  Her dementia is worse every day and she thinks I am the problem (she lives with me).  This is just a vent session for me as I was ready to explode and had to get it out. 

CAWCPA99

This is a safe space for venting.

Amymv

I am so very sorry.  I don't have any answers for you.  All you can do is your best, but it is very difficult when you face opposition and indifference from family.  It is clear that you love your mom and yet Alzheimer's is a struggle and more so when you are alone. 

I am sure it is also difficult when your mom has labeled you the problem.  Oy, my mom used to get so mad at me!  It is hard to not take it personally.  No wonder you came to vent!

Please come to vent.  We are all with you as you care for your mom.  I hope you can find answers! I know this place is full of wise listeners . 

Rae Ann

I feel your pain. I used to try to vent to my family members, who aren't here. My sister blew up at me again telling me how angry I am. She has been home about 8 days in four years. 

This is the safe place. People understand. They are angry at what is happening. They take it out on the closest person. No way it is fair. Nothing about this disease is fair. 

Logic does not apply and it hurts. I am sorry you are going through this. I am going back to an in person support group. I found it very helpful. 

chato198

I have no answers, but I just wanted to give you a virtual hug. (((hug)))

Stuck in the middle

I'm in the same boat.  I find that accepting the uselessness of others makes it easier to get on with the job.  When I expect nothing, I get just what I expected.

There are worse things than being ignored.  I know a man whose in laws keep turning him in for wife abuse because his wife can't talk and they think he's keeping her prisoner when she can't speak to them on the phone.  He has had a couple of mild strokes from the stress of the investigations.

Fad marie

I'm sorry you're going through this.  I know it, too.  My mom gets angry at me, and seems to focus most of her anger at me (although she will vent to me about my brother, too).  Started about two years ago, two years after dx, when she was mad at me for two months after Christmas because apparently I didn't tell her what dish she was supposed to bring to my brother's house on Christmas Day (she wasn't supposed to bring anything).  Most frequently, it's anger about the home health aide who she insists she doesn't need.  And lately, it's been anger about me not coming over enough and not prioritizing her over everything else (she actually asked in a recent phone call why she doesn't come first since she's my mom).  She will also get mad at me for not reminding her about all sorts of things (that, of course, I reminded her about).  She, quite kindly, asked me recently to promise to remind her of x, y, z.  Once again, I promised.  

I know it's just the Alz talking, but it does weigh on me at times.  Sometimes I can shrug off the blame, but sometimes it frustrates me that it's mostly directed at me... the child who is actually doing the most.  But I also know that's why the blame is directed at me.  I'm the one who is the most present of her children so, of course, it's easiest to communicate frustration to me.  I also am still not great with just "accepting" the blame when she's venting.  Sometimes I can still try to reason and logic with her ("Mom, I did tell you X"), but, as you know, that doesn't do much good.  I'm still learning ways to "accept" the blame so it's simply less agitating for her.  

StrayCats86

I am new here and in the same boat, the baby of 5 and 1 dead sibling and I am the only one that cares for mom and she lives with my hubby and I now, mom is in denial just like my 2 sisters who don't visit and never called so now there is no phone for them to call. I am the bad child and everything I do is wrong, I get called names, accused of stuff etc and I am at my breaking point and the stress is not good for me as I am a heart patient. My mom still knows us and is still sharp on certain things but she's not handling her bills properly and even took out a loan she didn't need. She refuses to give me control to pay her bills or even help her with them. I just don't know what to do anymore

Jo C.

This really is a difficult place to find oneself with the feelings that go with it all.  I hear you and I understand.

It is not unusual for our Loved One (LO) to blame the person closest to them, doing the most for them to be blamed for all sorts of things - that happens quite often..  It was so with my mother and it was huge with her.

I strove to do the very best and went out of my way to try and do things well and to even try to please her or delight her.  Of course it was pretty much to no avail.  I had to learn the hard way that my LOs brain was broken; that logic, reasoning and judgment were no longer what they once were, and that thinking went on emotional tangents and the thought processes were deeply flawed leading to delusional thinking (rigid false beliefs.)  Sometimes it seemed that she did things on purpose with malice; maybe that happened now and then, BUT it was the broken brain that initiated such behaviors.  No matter the reason, it still can hurt and it can be exhausting.

One thing I learned the hard way, is that there was no way to "make" my LO "happy" when in such a mode.   We can keep them safe, fed, comfortable as the disease allows, but "happy" seems for many of us to only come about far less.  Yet we continue to strive and put one foot in front of the other.  We know the difference we are making and that is what I had to learn was what had to suffice.

As for the lack of sibling or other family support, I also learned very quickly that it was best if I pretended I was an only child as there was no one who was willing to assist even every once in awhile.   I could not expect any hands on from anyone and as it was, there were hardly any visits.  It is what it is.   I think learning to let go was the most difficult lesson I had to learn, but it was freeing when I finally did so.

If you can get out even for a little while, that can be helpful.  I used to be able to get a couple of hours once in a great while with someone to be with my LO and I would drive to the ocean and just sit there, letting my shoulders come back down to their correct anatomical position from where they had been up around my ears. The sound of the ocean, the smell of the sea; the gulls playing on the air currents, the taste of salt on my lips and the feeling of the ocean breeze and the quiet, it was a wonderful respite for me even though it was short and only done once in awhile.  Even to go to a park to sit  and feel the outside.  I did not leave my car; I simply pulled up next to the sand at the ocean and rolled down all the windows and let it be.

Sometimes we need to speak to someone with a professional background. The Alzheimer's Assn. has a 24 Hour year round Helpline that can be reached at (800) 272-3900.  If you call, ask to be transferred to a Care Consultant.  There are no fees for this service. Consultants are highly educated Social Workers who specialize in dementia and family dynamics.   They are very supportive and are good listeners; they have much information and can often assist us with our problem solving.  More than anything, it is a good place to vent and be heard.

Oh yes; and I learned when my LOs behaviors or searing attitudes went higher, to have her checked for a "silent" urinary tract infection.   These are called "silent" because there are usually no physical signs of an infection, but there will be a ramping up of negative behaviors.  Do not use test strips at home; they are known for a huge percentage of false readings.  Have the doctor order a UA with culture and sensitivity for best outcome.

We are all here for support of one another and that includes you too.  Let us know how you are and how things are going, we will be thinking of you.

J.

Iris L.

StrayCats86 wrote:

, mom is in denial just like my 2 sisters who don't visit and never called 

The first thing you need to do is to understand that what you call denial is actually anosognosia, one of the characteristics of dementia.  This causes unawareness of having dementia.  The PWD (person with dementia) truly believes she is fine, and will resist all attempts to convince her otherwise.  You will have to learn work-arounds from the members.  Read the online reading material and many threads.  All of these will help you.

Iris L.