How to respond to frequent calls?

DLBNP

My Mom is almost 98. Alzheimers started a couple years ago but rapidly deteriorated after loss of spouse of 76 years.  I call Mom daily sometimes more than once. I Have included myself on a regular schedule of visits between caregivers. recently I have changed that to drop in as I can. I am emotionally exhausted. sometines physically.  On days that I am not there, Mom calls and asks when am I coming over .  I respond with my usual daily chores and family care in my own home. My spouse is losing patience . I am the only family in town to assist her.

 It is not enough. Just today she called 3 times in 2 hours.  I live very close and she knows I can drop in easily.

what do I say? do I ignore the calls.  thank you for any hep.

Stuck in the middle

I have the same with my disabled son and my wife, who thinks I spend too much time with him.  I pick a time and day when I plan to be there next, and tell them.  Next day, they ask again, and I repeat my answer.  Choose a frequency you can live with, and stick to your guns.  Competing demands on our time will drive us crazy if we let it.

My main rule is, I go see my son on days when the produce stand near his RCF is open so I can restock on home-grown tomatoes and the like.  Somebody has to take care of me, after all.

ladyzetta

Dear DLBNP

I am sorry your souse is losing patience. Emotional support is what you need right now. You are doing a good job trying to do this all by yourself. There is no way you can do this all by yourself, I am glad you found us here. 

Is your Mom in a Care facility or does she have caregivers come into her home? If she is in a care facility then you can worry less if your trusting they are giving her good care. If she is home alone maybe you can have the caregivers stay a bit longer.

I would  not suggest ignoring your Mom she is probably scared and feeling alone. I would suggest using fiblets when needed. Search this website for fiblets they can help in many ways. 

It's hard being the only family she has close to help her so please take care of yourself. There is a lot of emotional support here so please stay with us.   Hugs Zetta 

Quilting brings calm

The phone and visit situation is a very common issue. No matter how often I call or visit it’s now enough. My mom doesn’t remember what she did this morning. So she can’t determine how long it’s been since a call or visit.  When she’s upset or I don’t answer, then she will call every few seconds or minutes until she gets me or I get her calmed down. 

Your spouse is in good company with most spouses. They feel trapped by their in/laws. Even planning  a long weekend away always comes with an asterisk of ‘if mom doesn’t need me’.  We’ve resorted to not telling my parents when we are leaving town because somehow they manufacture a crisis the day before we plan on leaving.  Even a dinner out can be ruined by constant phone calls. 

Here is the advice my spouses’ psychologist told me:  pay more attention to your spouse.  Hire caregivers for your parents if you have to, and go on vacation more often. 

DLBNP

Thank you for the reply and suggestions. It does feel like extending my family to have all of the people on this chat to talk to.

Hugs. to each of you and your journey as well.

Rescue mom

Maybe hire more caregivers and/or have them stay longer. Do you trust them to call you if there is a real problem? Many here report the same problem with constant calls, especially when mom does not remember that she just talked with you. As long as she does have somebody watching, many have said they *do* turn off their phone, trusting that a caregiver will call if truly needed. Nothing will ever be enough, when they don’t remember the call 5 minutes ago. And at this point, they are usually not able to understand you have other duties. Its not ideal, but you have to care for yourself and your family first—otherwise you will not be able to care for mom.